face any and all fears directly

pretty confident right about now.

about all these changes happening at once.

New apartment.
New room mates (strangers).
Hosting a stranger for a few days in same apt.
New job.
Whole new location.

Seems like different everything. (Heck, I don’t even know where the grocery store is!)
I don’t deal well with change, especially when I can’t control it.

I know it’ll work out and I’ll learn a lot, but it’s going to be a hard first week or so. I’m apprehensive about it, is all.

Right now, I’m feeling anxious about all the things that need to be done, once I first arrive. My work boss was telling me all the things she’ll need me to do while I’ll be living in NH- things to get ready for their trade show in October- and I’m thinking- will I have enough time? Can I do it? She’s asking about my schedule, and I’m thinking I have no idea what my schedule is going to be like. Other folks are asking if I can help them with such and such on specific dates right after I move in. I have no idea what training will be like. I don’t know if it’s weekends or just weekdays, I don’t know if it goes late into the night. I don’t know what my room mates are going to be like and how we’ll adjust to living together. I don’t know if there’ll be conflicts or if I’ll be expected to be around the apartment often. I don’t know if my lifestyle is too different from my room mates that it could cause problems. I don’t know how I’m going to get the time off to get my braces tightened every 5 weeks, and I don’t quite know if I’ll be able to get home so easy for it either. I don’t know if I’ll be too busy and always doing too much, as seems to be a problem with me, during my time in NH.

But…. at least I’ll be following my heart.

(and I know everything will work out eventually, it’s just a lot of questions right now).

I am scared of a lot more then I let on. I used to play the hardcore, “Im an independent bad ass girl card alot”. Now that I have sufficiently fallen in love and gone and gotten all soft…haha…. I realize that there are a lot more things that I am willing to admit that I am afraid of. I believe this is a good thing. It allows me to be more vulnerable as well as gives me something to work towards over coming. It lets my man have something to do for me as well, as I tend to be very self sufficient…just ask him lol.

about myself lately. I don’t finish things. I leave things at about 90% completion. I think that I am afraid that if I finish it will show my incompetence. Crazy right? Considering that I look pretty incompetent with all of this half finished projects around me. But honestly, if its not done I can say “oh yep, its crappy because its not finished”. But if its done and still crappy then its a true reflection of my inability. Plus I think I have a slight case of ADD. So, my intention this week is to be very observant of this and really complete some of my projects and realize that failure is not something to be afraid of. Its to be embraced so that you can move forward.

I’m not really sure what this City Year opportunity entails- I mean, I haven’t dealt a heckofalot with youth and I was never a kid person. So I’ve been nervous about that. What do I do? How do I do it? How can I make a difference? Can I make a difference? Do I know what I’m doing? Is this the right decision? Should I have picked a path where I’m more knowledgeable?

But here and now (in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping, for certain) I am confident that things will work out. I may not be a kid person. I may not know how I can help just yet. I may not have the experience. But I do have the motivation. I have the will. I know things will work out. I’m confident that they will. Whatever I don’t know, I can learn. (Learning’s cool, for sure.)

Doubts erased.

So…

Every few days it’ll hit me.

That I’ll be graduating soon. Less than a hundred days.

And the whole world-that whole college network, whole life I’ve spent so much time adjusting to, it’s all…....moved on.

I’m not positive what I’ll be doing afterwards.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll be and whether I’ll see my friends and family.
I don’t know where I’ll live or if I’ll be able to pay the bills.
I don’t know if I’ll be effective at my work- heck, I don’t even know what my work will be for sure.

There are just so many questions.

I’m leaving the world of the familiar.
Even moving out of the home I grew up in.

I’m scared of the unfamiliar. I like to know what to expect. Like…. need?

I know it will all be fine once I’m acquainted with it

but right now…

there are just so many questions
so many blanks

That interview wasn’t bad at all.

I felt prepared and I gave thoughtful responses. (It also helped that I had written out my responses to common interview questions, and he did ask several, so I said what I wanted to say because it was in my mind already).

I had thought it would have been much worse.
In my mind it was.
Luckily, it didn’t turn out to be.

It helped soooooo much that I got to meet the interviewer and the whole City Year team and spend most of the day with them before having the actual interview.

If I had done the interview first thing in the morning,
that wouldn’t have been good. I wasn’t comfortable then. I didn’t know him. I didn’t understand how City Year worked as well.

Glad it went well.

Now what to tackle next…..

Time to conquer another fear in the morning.

Fear of interviews.

So I submitted my City Year application today, and that’s no longer looming over my head.

But… now…. I have to deal with…. two interviews… for it.

I haven’t had an interview since 2003 when I got my graphic design job, and I was in high school then, and they pretty much had given me the job beforehand. So I’m a bit rusty. (A bit??)

One is 15 minutes long, and the other is an hour.

I know right now the 15 minute one will be exponentially harder for me.

It’s via phone.

At least it’s with Ted who I’ve been in contact with prior.

But still… especially on interviews…

I rely so much on nonverbal communication- and that just isn’t visible on the phone!

I am nervous about it. I guess I’ll find some commonly asked interview questions and make sure I have answers for them? I know sometimes my mind goes a little blank when I’m put on the spot.

What could he ask in fifteen minutes…. They already asked why I was interested in City Year in the application.

I just don’t know what to expect. And I wish I did.

I realized today
that I still have anxiety about using the phone.

I was about to call someone I hadn’t met yet and I only talked to once or twice via e-mail

and I wasn’t positive what I wanted to say.

It took me ten minutes of figuring out exactly the questions I wanted to ask (sometimes my mind goes blank when put on the spot) and how to word it.

I’m fine once I get talking, and I’m also fine calling them after the first time.

It’s just that first time…. is difficult for me.

At least I’m aware of it, I guess, right?