pretty confident right about now. 4 years ago

about all these changes happening at once.

New apartment.
New room mates (strangers).
Hosting a stranger for a few days in same apt.
New job.
Whole new location.

Seems like different everything. (Heck, I don’t even know where the grocery store is!)
I don’t deal well with change, especially when I can’t control it.

I know it’ll work out and I’ll learn a lot, but it’s going to be a hard first week or so. I’m apprehensive about it, is all.

Right now, I’m feeling anxious about all the things that need to be done, once I first arrive. My work boss was telling me all the things she’ll need me to do while I’ll be living in NH- things to get ready for their trade show in October- and I’m thinking- will I have enough time? Can I do it? She’s asking about my schedule, and I’m thinking I have no idea what my schedule is going to be like. Other folks are asking if I can help them with such and such on specific dates right after I move in. I have no idea what training will be like. I don’t know if it’s weekends or just weekdays, I don’t know if it goes late into the night. I don’t know what my room mates are going to be like and how we’ll adjust to living together. I don’t know if there’ll be conflicts or if I’ll be expected to be around the apartment often. I don’t know if my lifestyle is too different from my room mates that it could cause problems. I don’t know how I’m going to get the time off to get my braces tightened every 5 weeks, and I don’t quite know if I’ll be able to get home so easy for it either. I don’t know if I’ll be too busy and always doing too much, as seems to be a problem with me, during my time in NH.

But…. at least I’ll be following my heart.

(and I know everything will work out eventually, it’s just a lot of questions right now). 4 years ago

I am scared of a lot more then I let on. I used to play the hardcore, “Im an independent bad ass girl card alot”. Now that I have sufficiently fallen in love and gone and gotten all soft…haha…. I realize that there are a lot more things that I am willing to admit that I am afraid of. I believe this is a good thing. It allows me to be more vulnerable as well as gives me something to work towards over coming. It lets my man have something to do for me as well, as I tend to be very self sufficient…just ask him lol. 4 years ago

about myself lately. I don’t finish things. I leave things at about 90% completion. I think that I am afraid that if I finish it will show my incompetence. Crazy right? Considering that I look pretty incompetent with all of this half finished projects around me. But honestly, if its not done I can say “oh yep, its crappy because its not finished”. But if its done and still crappy then its a true reflection of my inability. Plus I think I have a slight case of ADD. So, my intention this week is to be very observant of this and really complete some of my projects and realize that failure is not something to be afraid of. Its to be embraced so that you can move forward. 5 years ago

I’m not really sure what this City Year opportunity entails- I mean, I haven’t dealt a heckofalot with youth and I was never a kid person. So I’ve been nervous about that. What do I do? How do I do it? How can I make a difference? Can I make a difference? Do I know what I’m doing? Is this the right decision? Should I have picked a path where I’m more knowledgeable?

But here and now (in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping, for certain) I am confident that things will work out. I may not be a kid person. I may not know how I can help just yet. I may not have the experience. But I do have the motivation. I have the will. I know things will work out. I’m confident that they will. Whatever I don’t know, I can learn. (Learning’s cool, for sure.)

Doubts erased. 5 years ago

So…

Every few days it’ll hit me.

That I’ll be graduating soon. Less than a hundred days.

And the whole world-that whole college network, whole life I’ve spent so much time adjusting to, it’s all…....moved on.

I’m not positive what I’ll be doing afterwards.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll be and whether I’ll see my friends and family.
I don’t know where I’ll live or if I’ll be able to pay the bills.
I don’t know if I’ll be effective at my work- heck, I don’t even know what my work will be for sure.

There are just so many questions.

I’m leaving the world of the familiar.
Even moving out of the home I grew up in.

I’m scared of the unfamiliar. I like to know what to expect. Like…. need?

I know it will all be fine once I’m acquainted with it

but right now…

there are just so many questions
so many blanks 5 years ago

That interview wasn’t bad at all.

I felt prepared and I gave thoughtful responses. (It also helped that I had written out my responses to common interview questions, and he did ask several, so I said what I wanted to say because it was in my mind already).

I had thought it would have been much worse.
In my mind it was.
Luckily, it didn’t turn out to be.

It helped soooooo much that I got to meet the interviewer and the whole City Year team and spend most of the day with them before having the actual interview.

If I had done the interview first thing in the morning,
that wouldn’t have been good. I wasn’t comfortable then. I didn’t know him. I didn’t understand how City Year worked as well.

Glad it went well.

Now what to tackle next….. 5 years ago

Time to conquer another fear in the morning.

Fear of interviews. 5 years ago

So I submitted my City Year application today, and that’s no longer looming over my head.

But… now…. I have to deal with…. two interviews… for it.

I haven’t had an interview since 2003 when I got my graphic design job, and I was in high school then, and they pretty much had given me the job beforehand. So I’m a bit rusty. (A bit??)

One is 15 minutes long, and the other is an hour.

I know right now the 15 minute one will be exponentially harder for me.

It’s via phone.

At least it’s with Ted who I’ve been in contact with prior.

But still… especially on interviews…

I rely so much on nonverbal communication- and that just isn’t visible on the phone!

I am nervous about it. I guess I’ll find some commonly asked interview questions and make sure I have answers for them? I know sometimes my mind goes a little blank when I’m put on the spot.

What could he ask in fifteen minutes…. They already asked why I was interested in City Year in the application.

I just don’t know what to expect. And I wish I did. 5 years ago

I realized today
that I still have anxiety about using the phone.

I was about to call someone I hadn’t met yet and I only talked to once or twice via e-mail

and I wasn’t positive what I wanted to say.

It took me ten minutes of figuring out exactly the questions I wanted to ask (sometimes my mind goes blank when put on the spot) and how to word it.

I’m fine once I get talking, and I’m also fine calling them after the first time.

It’s just that first time…. is difficult for me.

At least I’m aware of it, I guess, right? 5 years ago

The former prisoners- when I went to see them last week- were really genuine people, I found. They were socialable and interested in who I was. Not intimidating at all. =)

There was a blood drive at school today.
But I’m not able to give blood until March.
I asked the lady when they’d be back.
April, she said.
So that’s where I’ll be. Got it? Good. 5 years ago

i’ve got to admit,

i am a bit nervous about my independent study this semester.

i will be interviewing former prisoners, fresh out jail- just talking to them, listening to them mostly, hearing their stories, hearing what they want to share (because we all have stories to share).

but i’m nervous- what if they don’t want to talk to me, what if they think i’m invading their space, how do i deal with them if they’re angry and i’m totally not, what if, what if, what if…

it was my idea.
i’m the only one there.
new things are usually stressful for me
until i get the hang of it. 5 years ago

Remember all those fears I had of my mission trip? Well, I lived. ;)

The first night we were there, I was very anxious. The Sisters had made us dinner. There were two dishes. When I heard that they were both pasta, I breathed a sigh of relief. Phew. Then I found out that one had meat sauce and the other had pesto (read: cheese) sauce. And my heart started racing. So which do I go against? Do I take the meat pasta and pick out the meat, do I take the pesto sauce and hope it doesn’t have much dairy? Do I tell them that I’m vegan and can’t eat either? However, the pesto was not covering all of the pasta (just most of it) and I was able to scoop some out that didn’t have pesto on it. One of the nights I had Cheerios and soy milk (I was glad they had soy milk- one of the Sisters is lactose intolerant).

I was able to help some of the students, despite not having much experience tutoring. We colored and did word games and worked on math and spelling and played tag.

Most of what we did with the addicts was in the form of “accompaniment.” We were there for support. We also partook in group activities- dealing with conflict resolutions and alternatives to violence. I could do that. 5 years ago

In the morning I’m leaving for another mission trip.

I have a few anxieties about it.

This will be my first volunteer trip as a vegan. I’ll be living in community the whole time. We’ll be dining in community. I’m not worried about eating. That’ll be fine. I’m worried about social relations. About feeling ungrateful rejecting non-vegan food made with love. About alienating myself somehow being the only veg. About perhaps being asked to cook food that may not be vegan. I will cook with dairy- I can do that- but I get so worked up around meat. I think they’ll understand that. I brought protein bars and fruit cups and dried fruit, worst case scenario. PB&J probs.

This will also be my first mission trip involving people struggling with addictions. I’m not positive how we will be interacting, but I do know that I have no experience in that field. I don’t know how I- a single young’n from a private school- can possibly help them. I guess I’ll find out. I want to learn. Show me how. I’ll do it. Teach me, I want to learn.

All else will be fine.

PS- I had another orthodontist appointment yesterday. All went very well. I didn’t flinch or gag or anything. I joked around with them. And used breathing exercises and stayed calm while they were tightening my braces. I think this is a new Jackie emerging with the positive dentistry air about it. And I like that. Lots.

PPS- I saw my grandparents today. They’re getting older, and this time they didn’t seem to have that sparkle in their eyes. I know they have a lot of health issues and their bodies are starting to shut down, and it scares me. I’m afraid of losing them. They’ve been around all my life. My grampa- he’s always telling stories and keeping everyone in line, always with a twinkle in his eye. I guess I’ll just have to take extra time to appreciate them while they are around. I am thankful for a close tight knit family on that side. I know there will be support and help when it is needed. 5 years ago

I used to get so incredibly anxious with simple dentist visits. I never dealt well with that sort of thing. I’d gag and cry and things would just be really unpleasant. But after my recent bouts with orthodontics, dentistry is a piece o’ cake. I only gagged once my whole time there yesterday. They were able to take X-rays easily.

It’s also getting easier to deal with the orthodontist visits.

Hm. Cool. 5 years ago

So I don’t like speaking in front of groups.

I also don’t like to sing in front of groups. That is, perhaps, even worse to me. I’m not a fantastic singer and I get really bashful/nervous.

My friend invited me to go caroling the other day. I’d never been. The thought of it is a mix between exhilarating and well, nervous-begetting. I said yes, of course. And then I remembered- oh no, I don’t actually know the words to these songs! Sure they’ll be Christmas carols, but I usually ignore Christmas songs on the radio and song. I was afraid I’d mess up the words.

It was okay. We had print outs of the lyrics. My friend helped us with the tune of the songs we didn’t know. And it got easier.

I had a blast. :) 5 years ago

I went through it and I am alive!

Actually, I don’t remember much of it. I remember being nervous en route. I remember filling out lots of paperwork. I remember taking off my coat. She took my blood pressure (and said it couldn’t have been better!) and then they gave me some shots… and bam. I woke up en route home. Lots of blood. A little pain. That wasn’t so bad. Feeling so weak and tired. But it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It didn’t hurt much. And everything worked out. Woo. 5 years ago

Okay, less than one day away.

I’m getting anxious- I wonder if it’ll hurt. I wonder what it’s like to be knocked out. I wonder if I’ll be all out of it (like my mother was when she had teeth out). I wonder if I’ll be able to study for my last final afterwards. I wonder if I’ll be well enough to travel back to school to take my last final.

I know it will be fine, but I’m still anxious. 5 years ago

So next Monday I get four of my teeth removed. I’ve been thinking of it a lot lately. I get really anxious thinking about it. I’m tremendously frightened. I’ve never dealt well with dental work, and that’s why I waited so long to get braces. I just couldn’t handle it. Even now it takes an awful lot of breathing exercises to deal with. But at least I’m dealing with it.

I am curious how the experience and the pain will feel- because I have no idea. I have never been knocked out before and I have never had teeth pulled either.

I am excited to conquer a new fear, and such a large one at that. I think getting that over with will help me get past my other fear-goals. 5 years ago

So this was on my mind on and off all time. I tried not thinking about it, but every hour or so thoughts would creep into my mind. I planned on going after my 4 o clock class, because the drive was going on until 7pm.

So after class I walked to the campus center, took a few sips from my cup o’ tea, and inhaled a few deep breaths to calm myself down. This was something I’d wanted to do for a long time (however, something always came up- a cold, weight limit, etc) and I started feeling a little faint whenever I thought about it. Sure I was nervous, but I was happy and eager to help when I walked into the drive. I talked to the lady- and found out that since I was in Honduras, a malaria ridden country in a rural area, that I would need to wait until March in order to give blood.

I was disappointed, but I had been concerned that that might be an issue before.

Although I wasn’t able to give blood this evening, I’m going to call that experience a success because I did confront my fears. I went into the room bent on giving blood and I wasn’t turning back due to fears. This gives me courage to deal with other things I’ve been fearing (i.e. having my teeth pulled in a couple weeks).

Come March, I’m running around town trying to find a way to donate blood! You have my word.

Woo! 5 years ago

I am going to try to donate blood tomorrow.

Very nervous. I don’t deal with blood and needles and blood-taking very well.

But what better time to try.

I would love to donate blood. I’ve wanted to for quite awhile, but there have always been excuses. EXCUSES NO MORE! I’m ready to face my fears!

I’ll go after class.

PS- They may turn me away because I was in a country where malaria is prevalent this year. Hm. But we’ll see tomorrow. 5 years ago

sometimes i get really self conscious eating

now that i have braces

eating is much more of a chore. there are certain things i can’t eat, certain things that are difficult to eat, and sometimes food gets stuck in my braces.

i don ‘t like that. but, well. it could be worse. i just feel self conscious more than i used to. 5 years ago

my biggest concrete fear? up-side down roller coasters

my largest thought-derived fear? not living up to my own expectations

my largest frustration? feeling overwhelmed- too much is going on to handle at once; others not keeping up their half of the bargain (undependability)

my greatest source of anxiety? speaking in front of large groups of people, especially if i don’t know exactly to a T what i am going to say

my greatest challenge in relationships? being comfortable talking to the other person when troubles arise

my greatest life challenge thus far? timidness. shyness. 5 years ago

I will not run. I will not hide. I will not flee.

Though I am tempted to. It’s easier than facing fears.

I will stick to it until the end. I will brave it. I will confront. I will not run. 5 years ago

Sometimes I find myself thinking of relationships. I mean, I’d really like to be involved in a relationship someday with someone special.

But the thought of starting one now- it makes me anxious. It’s been a little over a year since my last one… and I just get… scared.

I wonder what’s going to come of my current friendships- will the dynamics change if I get involved with someone? Will I have enough time to devote to both a boyfriend and my close friends, along with everyone else?

Will they be receptive of my moving to Washington next fall? Will they support it, or will it always be at the back of our minds and prevent us from becoming really close?

Is it even a good idea if I am nearly sure that I’ll be leaving next year? Maybe I should stay away from the dating scene altogether until then? Would it be too hard on both of us?

Am I at a place in my life where I can be a good girlfriend? What is a good girlfriend anyways- do I even know?

If I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them, I wouldn’t be dating them anyways. And since I would be able to talk to them, I could just share my fears. If they were understanding, we could work things out…. 5 years ago

I fear speaking in front of groups. I have to do it all the time, running different groups, but it’s still something I struggle with.

I fear not meeting my own expectations, which are often much too high.

I fear being in a place where I know no one and I need assistance but have no where to go. I don’t know how to fix car problems or how to live on my own.

I fear losing my connections/ closeness when I move away after graduation.

I fear getting into a relationship right now, especially since I’m leaving next summer and I don’t want to start a relationship already thinking of the end.

I fear losing my relatives, some of which aren’t doing too well health-wise. I love them and I want them to understand that, but I’m afraid of life without them there, as they’ve always been.

I’m scared of the future; I am a senior in college, graduating soon, and I don’t know what the future will bring. It’s always been a given- go to school everyday, and during the summer, go to work. Now what? 5 years ago

Well, I made it through the experience of getting braces. I had been nervous, much of it was uncomfortable, and I did cry a little from gagging, but it wasn’t all that bad. It didn’t hurt.

When I go back next month to get the bottoms finished, it wont be as bad. I don’t think I’ll be nervous, just wanting to get it over with and the worst is already done.

I have to admit, though, it is terribly difficult to eat. Ah well. I’m sure I’ll get used to it…. 5 years ago

So tomorrow I get braces.

I’m nervous about it.

I wonder if it’ll hurt. I wonder how long I’ll have them on. I wonder how they’ll look. I wonder if my teeth will be as sore as they were with the spacers. I wonder if I’ll be able to speak clearly. I wonder if they’ll do upper or lower, or both tomorrow.

I’m more anxious about the teeth pulling, though. Four teeth, all at once. I use those teeth! Every day!

I will be calm. I will not gag. I will concentrate on breathing. It will go well. <3 5 years ago

Today I had my first step of treatment at the orthodontist’s office. They put spacers in between my teeth. En route there, I have to admit, I was kind of nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or if it would hurt or if I would gag or any of that.

It was quick and painless though. I had been prepared to focus on my breathing in case things were nerve-wracking. But the doctor greeted me by name with a smile and put the spacers on in just a few minutes. No gagging, no tears, no problems.

Next week it will probably be more intense since I think they’re putting on the actual braces. Eep! But I will go there confidently and deal with whatever is put in front of me. 5 years ago

I’ve got to honest, the thought of no hugs for a month or two or three kept me up last night. It felt like such a lonely thing to do- move somewhere where you don’t know anyone, and the closest person you know is a thousand miles away. Hugs mean a lot to me and so I was saddened thinking of that last night.

But today- TODAY!- I got an e-mail. Some regular old mailing list e-mail for something or other… but I click links. And I found myself at this website: couchsurfing.com and I got more and more excited the more I looked around it. Couchsurfing is a site that allows users to find people in different world cities who are interested in meeting friendly travelers or have a couch they’re willing to let someone spend the night on. It’s a really neat concept and there are sooooo many people on the site!

Naturally, I looked up Bellingham, WA- the city I’m interested in moving to… and there were over 100 matches! Over 100 people, can you believe that?! So I looked through them and most of them looked happy to be alive and interested in fun and exciting things- people I could get along with. And nearly all were interested in meeting people and going out for coffee, etc. I am totally going to contact these people, and who knows- maybe I can stay at their place while exploring the city if I go out there to visit.

I’m not going to be friendless at all there! Woo hoo! Renewed spirits once again. No longer afraid of being alone there. 5 years ago