Feel good about my body

I know my body is in great shape, I just can’t seem to agree with myself.

Whether it means I’ll lose some weight, get into decent athletic shape, or just have a change of heart, I want to feel good about my body. Not just for my piece of mind, but for my girlfriend’s as well.

I feel like I am very close to being a size 8, but I have gained a few pounds, so now I have consistently weighed in at 147. My clothes don’t fit differently, and I actually seem to have less fat. I’m in a gym class at school (yes, I go to a school that requires P.E.) and my cellulite has decreased. It isn’t embarrassing to wear shorts anymore.

I’m going to Hawaii on Friday and I am going to look awesome in a bathing suit.

I’ve sort of set a goal in the back of my mind: I want to reach 140. Again, there’s no timeline for this, and I’m eating what I want to eat.

I haven’t weighed myself in about a month and I felt like I had gained weight. I just weighed myself (at the end of the day, after eating) and I’m at 143.

Additionally, I haven’t thought about my weight except maybe once or twice a week.

once I’m in the 130’s I’m going to feel good about my body all the time. I swear.

I made a short term goal for myself: drop my weight down to 145. I gave myself no deadline, I didn’t exercise more, I didn’t restrict my calorie-intake.

I just worked. I ate wisely. And now, after two months of steady loss, I am at 145 and have been for two or three weeks now. I am very proud of myself!

Haven’t been to kickboxing in FOREVER. And I weigh the same, I think, but I’ve started working a lot more, and it’s retail, which means I never sit down. My pants are starting to get a bit looser- I have to pull them up constantly, even while wearing a belt.

I joined a kickboxing gym, but for the last two weeks, I haven’t been able to get through a full hour’s workout with getting dizzy and/or throwing up.

Now I’m sick with the same symptoms, so here’s hoping the two are related. I’ll just have to start running again or something so I can get my stamina up.

Today, though, I feel like shit.

:(

I think that feeling good about my body and beating depression are linked. I have felt less depressed lately because I’ve been busy and active, walking through my neighborhood and on errands. Not using my car is glorious- I used to feel trapped without a car, but having the option not to use it is the most freeing thing ever.

I’ve noticed my thighs are firming up a lot. I haven’t been running in a week, which is affecting my stamina. On Saturday, Ben and I hiked Stone Mountain and that winded me. I just need to do it more.

I have felt shitty lately, though, so tonight I hate my body. I see pictures all over the internet of the women from America’s Next Top Model and the women are so thin, it embarasses me that I am so thick. I hate my body when I look at theirs, though I don’t find most of them particularly attractive. Most of them seem to have my body type, but have starved themselves down, something I could never ever do, despite, this past week, “forgetting” to eat and occasionally forcing myself to purge excess calories.

Clearly, though I don’t find these emaciated women attractive, I wish I looked like them enough to resort to occasional vomiting.