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rosewilderA warning dream if ever there was one.

I dreamed that I had written a reply to an email, in which I had criticized the two co-chairs of my regional professional organization, calling them bitter and incompetent. I accidentally hit “reply all”, sending this mean criticism to everyone in the organization, including the two co-chairs.

I felt awful, and tried to get the person who sent the email to delete it, but of course she couldn’t, and I was horrified. There was no way to fix this.
One of the co-chairs threatened to take away my funding and give it to the other people in our organization. Even though I knew she couldn’t actually do that, I felt awful about what I had done. It was so unkind.

I lied and told her I was being sarcastic, that I didn’t really feel that way at all, but the opposite, but it didn’t come through well in written form. Even if she believed this, though, I felt bad about not telling the truth. I should own up (tactfully) to the feeling I had that prompted the email and apologize for it, not try to make it okay by lying.

I think the warning here is not only being extremely careful about what I put in writing, but also in being truthful. I think that I engage in a lot of deception to my colleagues and bosses, pretending to like people that I don’t, not always speaking up as I feel. I need to look at how and why I do that- is it for people pleasing? Must I do that as much as I do? Because while it may be sometimes necessary, it isn’t good for me to hide my true feelings too much. 8 months ago

rosewilderYuck. Nightmares.

I was me, my real age, and talking to my mom, who was worried about a pet frog that I had in the dream [one like the tiny ones that my cousin and I used to catch all the time in the late 70s/early 80s and have not seen since]. We had a vet examine the frog, and the vet said that there were many tiny holes in one of the frog’s tiny front feet that were not able to be seen without a microscope, and wasn’t in good health. So I said that maybe the frog would be happier/healthier if we let it go in a nearby pond. The pond was man-made, which wasn’t ideal, but it may be better for the frog than keeping it in captivity.

Then I came across a very large fish, flopping about on the street. I rushed to pour my bottle of water over it, and dug as much of a hole in what was now sand as I could to pour water in and make a small puddle that the fish could at least stick its head and gills in. I came back as soon as I could with the plastic bathtub my mother used to bathe me in as a baby, and put the fish in it. It wasn’t really big enough for the fish, some of its tail was still flopping out, but it would do for a short while to let the fish breathe. [I remember feeling that unlike all the other fish I endanger in nightmares with not enough water, at least this one wasn’t my fault- I didn’t own this fish and put it in danger in the first place.]

I thought I could put both the frog and the fish in this pond. We let the frog out first, and I was worried, because instead of hopping into the water, it was hopping away from the pond. I tried to make it go back. Then, Tadpole [not a real tadpole, my daughter I call Tadpole here, although I am laughing now even though these dreams were sad and scary thinking about the obvious symbolism of frogs in peril when I call my husband Frog and my daughters Frogette and Tadpole on 43 things] fell into the pond. Which I found out, as I jumped in the water immediately after her, was very deep.

As Tadpole sunk to the bottom of the pond, I was terrified. The bottom of the water was very murky, I couldn’t see her clearly, and I knew I couldn’t dive that low to get to the bottom. Fortunately, she started to kick her legs and swim upward before I even had the chance to scream out for help. I was able to swim down somewhat and grab her as she came up towards me.

I woke up from this dream, but was able to fall asleep after a while, and then I had another bad dream. I was [now not my real age, much younger as I often am in dreams, good or bad] 20 years younger and getting married that day, but as I looked in my closet for a pretty dress to wear, I realized I didn’t have anything suitable. My mother was upset with me that I didn’t have anything nice to wear- she and my grandmother were very dressed up, and it would have looked bad if I wasn’t, so I went to a nearby mall to find a dress. I couldn’t find a store with fancy dresses at first, and when I finally did find one, the sizing of the dresses they had were all different, so it was hard to know which dress I should even take to try on. All the dresses were mixed up- there were a lot of casual ones mixed in with the fancy ones, and no store clerk was free to help me. Then I looked at my watch, and I saw that it was time for my wedding to start. I was late to my own wedding, and I knew my family would be furious at me. [Hah- funny that I wasn’t at all worried about the groom, just my parents and family.] 10 months ago

rosewilderWish fulfillment dreams

[It’s annoying me as I write this that I still want these people to like me. Some people have wish fulfillment dreams about being millionaires or finding true love- I dream about getting my in-laws to talk to me. Pathetic. Maybe I need to revisit my goal about coming to peace with the poor relationships with my in-laws.]

The details aren’t all coming back to me like they usually do, but what I do remember is this: I was sitting with Frog’s brother G, talking with him about a plane trip I had coming up. It was a very shallow conversation, but I didn’t care- I was just so thrilled that he was talking to me, actually asking me questions about anything, not just giving me answers as short as possible when I tried to ask him questions.
It was such a nice feeling that we were being friendly beyond his forced hello to me that I usually get from him. I was so happy in the dream that we were sitting down and talking.

Then I was in my mother-in-law’s car, which had pumpkin guts all over the front. [?] I started scooping out the pumpkin from the car, cleaning it. Her S.O. and she saw what I was doing, and they were grateful- they noticed I was doing something nice- and they thanked me. I was so thrilled that they had acknowledged something nice I had tried to do. [Oh my goodness. This is really so pathetic.] 11 months ago

rosewilderIn-laws insecurity again.

I was in one of my three-day meetings with my boss S., and I was going to miss Tadpole’s 1st grade concert. My mother-in-law was going to be there, and she came to stay at my house with my sister-in-laws’ parents before the concert. I felt bad that my mother-in-law was going and I wasn’t, I felt bad that she came to stay at my house without asking, and I felt bad that she brought my sister-in-laws’ parents, who really have nothing to do with my kid.

We took a scheduled break at the meeting, which was now in Tadpole’s school instead of my office, and I went to the auditorium where the conference was. I walked in just as they were walking off stage, and I decided to go to Tadpole’s classroom so she could see that I was there. My mother-in-law was also going to Tadpole’s classroom, but I didn’t want to wait for her. I did this thing I do in dreams that isn’t flying, but a continuous leaping that takes me in the air and lands me on the ground about 10 feet away- an almost flying if you will. It would have gotten me there fast, but I wasn’t sure which way her classroom was, and I went the wrong way.

Then Frog and I were in my mother-in-law’s house [not her real one- this one was much nicer]. We wanted to have sex, but I knew she would be coming back soon and catch us in the act. When she did come back, Frog made it obvious what we had wanted to do, which made me embarrassed. I was also embarrassed because she noticed that a salad dressing bottle that had been full when I opened it was now only half-full. I offered to replace the bottle, and she agreed.

Then I was telling all my in-laws about a great place I love to hike [ha- like they would ever be interested in anything I wanted to talk about!]. It was a trail along the N. River with all kinds of animals that you don’t usually see, and it led to a place I’ve dreamed of before, a small beach off the Pacific Ocean with high cliffs and huge waves that was close to my house. [I dreamed of this place for the first time when I lived an hour and a half drive from the Pacific Ocean, now I live a 6 hour plane ride from it, but in my wish-fulfillment dream, there is a short cut to it that makes it very close to me.] My in-laws decided to take the hike with me, and we all started down the trail, seeing beautiful animals. I was so happy to be walking on this glorious hike, leading to the warm, wonderful Pacific Ocean.

I realized that I had gone the wrong way at one point, and I had to backtrack us in the right direction. I was worried that they would be angry that we had gone the wrong way and had to walk extra. Then my mother-in-law said she wanted to give a speech/say a prayer. I felt funny about this, because I was the leader of this expedition, not her.

Hm. Just noticed- twice, concerns about going the wrong way.12 months ago

rosewilderIt really annoys me when I have these dreams with heaven or hell imagery,

since I don’t even believe in that. Yet obviously, that piece of common narrative has gotten into my brain enough that I’ve had repeated dreams with it.

It was the end of the world, and people were getting in very long lines to try to get into heaven. But there were some people that decided not to try- they would just go on the line that led to hell. They thought that maybe just for believing, maybe just for trying, they could go to heaven after all- that the real hell was not trying to get into heaven.
[Cue deep meaning of dream here!]

So a male friend [not someone I know in real life] and I decided to leave the hell line and try to get into heaven. But the police weren’t allowing anymore switches, apparently, and we had to run towards my house. I decided to sacrifice myself so my friend could get to heaven. I urged him to run up the stairs, now apparently, just going as far up as possible would get you there, while I got arrested so he could make a getaway. I also tried to get my cat to run up the stairs. Of course, being a cat, she didn’t comply, and I was tremendously sad to think that my cat wouldn’t be in heaven. It wasn’t her fault, really.

The dream changed after that- I was wandering in a museum that showed how life used to be on earth. In one section about adoption there were these fake babies on display. I wanted them to be real babies; I would take one if they were real, even though I surely wasn’t supposed to just take a baby. Then I was in some sort of high school [ha ha! That surely must have been hell, indeed! ha ha] in the lobby of the high school, looking at the posters and decorations in the lobby- it looked more like college than high school in the lobby, but when I started to walk down the halls, it was clearly high school. I was afraid I wouldn’t remember where to go, because I didn’t have my schedule, but I did know where my first class was, and I went to it.

Inside the class, people were eating a delicious breakfast with chocolate cake in it. I had not gotten breakfast, and two nice older men offered to share their breakfasts with me, but there was really no time. A test was announced. We would need our syllabuses for the test and I didn’t have mine. I saw a classmate’s syllabus on her desk near me, and I thought of stealing hers, but was afraid to get caught.

Then my alarm went off. And now I can’t shake the dream from my head. Not fully sure what all of this means- open to any interpretations. 12 months ago

rosewilderI was having a party at my parents' house.

At first it was just K and several of his friends coming over. I was so glad to be with K and I really liked his friends. Interestingly, the feeling for K wasn’t the romantic one of my usual dreams- it was more of a really good friendship. In fact, I tried to set him up with one of the other guests of the party as more people came- past friends of mine this time, friends from elementary school to high school.

My parents were with us, and we went in their pool [which they don’t really have], which was very fancy and had multiple chairs and tables around like a resort or a pool club. K and his friends and I were talking with them, and we were having a good conversation.

More and more people came, now people from my hometown that I didn’t particularly care for, and it was getting very late. The party lost that great intimate atmosphere of just K and his friends. Although I knew it would make me seem really uncool, I shut down the party. I felt bad that my parents had to deal with this raucous activity in their house so late at night, and I wasn’t having so much fun anymore.

The only thing that comes to mind about this dream is that it’s kind of like my attitude about facebook. It was fun when it was just a small circle of my real friends, and a few people from my hometown that I was glad to connect with again, but once everyone and their brothers started friending me, including my in-laws, I stopped participating. 13 months ago

rosewilder2 weird dreams during a nap,

and the first one is still making me sad. It hit home emotionally in many ways.

I had moved my family to another county in my state. The first night in the new apartment, I was very anxious and lonely, even though I was glad to have moved there.
[This happened to me in real life when I moved to my current house only 2 miles away from the rental we’d been living in- I was panicky and miserable that first night, even though I loved the house, even though I was in the same town which I loved living in, and even though I was with Frog and my kids— and I think the misery was due to delayed/replayed trauma from my last big move all the way across the country.]
In the dream, my parents came by to drop something off at my new apartment, and I asked them to stay because I was so lonely. They said no, and it was clear that my mother was very upset with me. She was angry at me for moving away from her. I tried to tell her that we were only another 40 minutes away from her than we were before, but she was very angry and sad.
[In the dream, her being upset didn’t make sense, but it does in real life. When we moved all the way across the country, my mother had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. We’ve never really spoken about it, but I wonder if she felt abandoned and betrayed by me. I didn’t really deal with the whole cancer thing fully, helped by the way my parents never really discuss anything upsetting. I suspect that even if my mom hadn’t had cancer, my parents would have been upset by my moving far away. They’ve never spoken to me about this (no big surprise), and I hadn’t really thought about it much, but this dream made me realize that I’ve been/I’m being just as repressive and avoidance-prone as they are about emotionally laden subjects.]
Then my mother-in-law and brother-in-law stopped by, and I was so lonely and miserable that I actually asked them to stay for longer!
[Okay, that part is kind of funny.}

I am so sad thinking about all of this. 14 months ago

rosewilderCollege and JG

I was in a lounge in my old college dorm. We were on the couches, talking. I was on a couch with HC, and she was laying on my lap, and many of our mutual friends were on other couches.
Then JG from my hometown came in, and I invited him to join us. I told him that if he wanted a blanket or pillow, he could go to my dorm room and grab one. He expressed surprise that the door would be unlocked, and I bragged that there was no need to lock doors, as we were all as close as family here.

He sat with us, and I was showing off for him, making it obvious how many friends I had here and how much I loved college. I was saying how much I was going to miss this place and all the people when we weren’t here next year, except for Frog of course, since I was married to him. At one point, JG wanted to go get a cup of coffee, and I didn’t want him to leave. I scrambled around to find a coffee pot so he would stay.

I have no idea what any of this was about, but it occurs to me that I have not remembered any nghtmares of the sort that had previously plagued me for some time. My dreams are much more benign now- thank goodness. Some are even pleasant, like this one. 14 months ago

rosewilderI almost forgot. Two nights ago,

I had a very poignant dream that I had fallen in love with a 15-year-old boy. (ew). I had thought he was 20 when I met him, and the 23 year age difference would have been scandalous enough. When I found out he was 15, (ew) I was horrified, but I was already deeply in love with him. I couldn’t let him go. We were (ew) soul mates. 14 months ago

rosewilderAfter what seems like months of not remembering dreams,

(probably because I slept later and woke without the alarm clock most of the summer),
I had three vividly recollected, fun, positive, wish-fulfillment dreams last night.

1. I was meeting a man for a possible semi-arranged marriage to see if we were compatible. I hadn’t been very excited about this prior, but when I met the man, I felt instant attraction and a deep connection. I felt that I had to confess to him- I wasn’t really Orthodox, not what I seemed; I broke the rules sometimes. He smiled and said that wasn’t such a big problem for him. I was so happy that what I thought was going to be a restrictive element of my life was going to be a place where I could be myself.

2. I had one of my “forgot to go to my college class, forgot to do the work” dreams with a HUGE twist-
I was my real age, taking the class not for my undergraduate degree but as a professional development requirement, and I remembered the class when only three weeks had passed, so it wasn’t necessarily such a disaster. It was a writing class. (!) I went to the classroom and met the professor. She was welcoming and warm, and told me not to worry about the missed work. She was teaching the class very casually, and we could turn in finished stories as we wished, so it was no problem. I was so relieved! As we talked, other people from the class were working on crochet projects. There was a great deal of wool about, and I gathered some in my fingers. It was so soft and comforting.

3. I was with I.S. from elementary school [both our current ages], but we were in a car being driven by Mr. H., [my high school teacher who I simultaneously had a crush on in h.s. and had some fairness/emotional issues with]. He sat with some other serious authority figures in the front of the car, and I.S. and I sat in the back. I.S. and I were catching up, very glad to see each other, and talking and laughing. At one point, she showed me a comic strip. I told her that it was just like my husband, (and here I was showing off for the benefit of Mr. H.), and that when I had been in the student senate in college, we had a poster printer, and I made a door-sized poster of the comic for him. She thought that was really funny, and asked me about being a student senator, and I told her how I had been elected, glad that Mr. H. was hearing this. After a while, Mr. H. turned around, and said, “I, it is very rude the way you keep laughing so loudly when I’m trying to drive.” We spent the rest of the car ride giggling silently and making faces at Mr. H. behind his back.

Some big issues for me couched in happy, comforting dreams. Love it! 15 months ago

rosewilderOddly few remembered dreams lately,

but this morning I slept so long that I remembered this one, clearly based on the conversation I had with T about my career and what I wanted to be doing:

I was in I. district, and I was asked a question about SUTW. I started answering, and to illustrate a point, I took over the white board and showed all kinds of aspects of how the program worked. I also made sure to show the cons of SUTW as well as the pros, and that was very appreciated by the audience. I felt very in control and was enjoying myself.

Then, the superintendent brought me to her office and gave me a contract to sign to do SUTW workshops for her. She paid a little less than I had hoped, but there was a lot of work, so I was very pleased at both the opportunity to branch out and the acknowledgement of being really good at this. 17 months ago

rosewilderNew vistas

I was in EM [my childhood hometown] again, walking on C. Ln. where R who I used to babysit lived. I was walking north past C. Dr. which led to M. Ave. when three girls in burqas came down C. Dr. behind me onto C. Ln. I felt bad for them that they were all covered up on such a warm day.
They walked to their mother, who was tending a fire on the curb, and she said a prayer with them and gave them something to drink. I realized it was Ramadan.

As I walked past their house, I saw that the street was covered in thick sheets of duct tape, multiple bright colors with beautifully intricate mosaic-like designs. It was lovely. As I walked on north, [the street was longer and narrower than actual], the houses on the street dramatically changed.

I walked past a few Jerusalem stone, big and beautiful buildings. One of them had a stone patio with walls and a roof, long rectangles cut out for big windows and no glass. [Like the entryway to the kibbutz school]. I walked in, and it was the “lobby” of a multi-story house and what seemed like a smaller apartment, although I couldn’t tell the size from the outside. I went up the stone stairs from the open lobby to look at the house. Rather than being the typical suburban house with a flat lawn, this house was three stories, but narrow, made of that white/gold gorgeous Jerusalem stone, and each floor had small outdoor spaces, like terraces but with solid ground, dirt and flowers and plants, little nooks and crannies all over to sit in. I was entranced, in love. I wanted to live there so badly, and although I knew I probably couldn’t afford it, I thought that maybe I could afford the apartment, if it were ever for rent or sale.

I walked back south on the street, and saw, to my surprise, an open- air bar, made of the same Jerusalem stone, rectangles cut out for windows, and I walked into the bar and leaned out of one of the windows. The bar looked out onto a lake [where Ch. St. should have been], and I was delighted- I would come to this bar every day if I could. As I leaned out farther, peering around the corner [looking where M. Ave. should have been], I saw that the lake led into a larger bay or sound of some sort. There were all sorts of boats on the sound, and then I saw the area around the sound. There were wide roads, where throngs of people walked, and large, architecturally beautiful buildings. It looked like Europe! I was amazed that all of this was right here, in EM.

[Hm- more discovering amazing, expanded living areas in formerly known places. Hm. I couldn’t shake this dream from my thoughts when I woke up. Not sure if it’s just a wish fulfillment dream or a message of some sort of psychic growth trying to happen.] 19 months ago

rosewilderThis one keeps staying with me.

I dreamed of JR again last night. Being with him again was like coming home.

Then I dreamed that Frog was with me, and I almost told him about JR. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t know if I could live with that secret.

Throughout the day, I keep remembering the feeling- the ahhhhhhhh- the poignancy of being with JR again. It’s bittersweet. Of course, this has nothing to do with the real JR, just like it has nothing to do with the real BL or the real K. They’re just stand-ins for some emotional need I’m expressing in these dreams.

I’m just not sure what that need is, though. Friendship? Romance? Love? I’ve got those with Frog in real life, so that’s not it. Returning to the past? Some sense of loss for what I had? Not really, since the dreams are far better than the reality. Something to ponder. 20 months ago

rosewilderAfter all the research I did,

it’s not surprising I dreamed of BL and A last night. The first dream I’ve had about BL in some time, and it was definitely an insecurity dream.

I was standing in a line of people waiting to pass the headquarters of the corporation of which BL is [really] the CEO. There was some sort of border /security check going on in front of the building.

He came out of his building and saw me standing at the end of the line, and at first I didn’t want him to see me -would he think I was stalking him?. Obviously he did see me, so I waved. He came over and seemed very glad to see me, so I greeted him back with matched excitement and told him that every time I saw his advertisements, I thought of him.

I told him that I was passing this way to visit A, and asked if he would like to come with me. I knew A wouldn’t be crazy about seeing him, but I wanted to keep being with him now that I had seen him again. We happily walked along together, talking, talking, talking, and I was having a great time. It was so wonderful to be with him again.

When we got to the hotel in which A was staying, BL grabbed the paper with the room number and ran ahead to her room. He opened the door without knocking, and this made A near hysterical. She cried and yelled. I was so upset at BL- how could he have done that? I was also upset that now he would have to leave, and I wouldn’t get to be with him anymore.

A was furious at him and clearly felt betrayed by me because I brought him there. She threatened to get an early flight and go back home immediately. I begged her not to do that, trying to calm her, explaining that I didn’t know he was going to burst in like that. I was so disappointed. I knew she wouldn’t have been thrilled to see BL, but I was hoping that she would have been okay with it since it had been over 20 years. But his startling her like that clearly ruined that plan.

As I tried to calm A down, BL didn’t really seem to care that he had upset her so. He saw one of his coworkers, and left the hotel with her. [That made me laugh to write- dream obviousness.] I was very jealous, sad to see him go, and upset that A was so upset. 20 months ago

rosewilderA play and ex-friend K.

I was given the chance to be in a large production of a play. I was very excited about this, because I wanted to act, and liked the idea of having everyone see me be funny on stage. I was, though, nervous about memorizing my lines- there was only a short rehearsal period.

A bunch of people were using ex-friend K’s house for a party. When K and E came home, I decided to help K get them out of the house, even though a)I had been one of the people enjoying her house and b)her betrayal of me still stung deeply. We worked together, and I can tell that we were reconciling, even though we didn’t directly talk about it.

[It is not surprising to me that I had a dream about ex-friend K again, since one of the characters in the story I recently finished was loosely based on her.] 20 months ago


I wonder if I’m not getting enough sleep. Last night was the first time I had a dream I remembered in almost a month.

This one was about writing and getting published- not surprising given my focus on it the last few weeks.

I had submitted my story to the contest, and I met in person with the magazine publisher. He wanted to know what kind of writer I was, whether I was really dedicated to it. I made up some kind of answer about writing for the rest of my life even if I never had anything published ever that satisfied him, and he asked if I had anything else ready to show his partners tomorrow. I decided to spend the whole night writing to have something else ready for tomorrow. He was a small man, (both small in stature and small as in petty) who was trying to act big, I could tell, and when he hit on me, I was repulsed. I thought how much I hated small men like him in authority. 20 months ago

rosewilderYou don't need to be a psychiatrist to figure this dream out.

This was really sad when I was asleep, but I laughed a lot when I woke up from the sheer obviousness of the dream.

Frog moved us to Indianapolis in order to take a job. I didn’t want to move to Indianapolis, but we did it for the job. [Cough- cough- Trickleside.] Then, once we were there, he decided he wouldn’t actually work where he was going to! [Cough- cough- not finishing his Ph.D.]

I was very alarmed- how would we get by without a salary? I cried and yelled at him, but he wouldn’t do the job. Finally, he said to me, “Why don’t you worry about your own career?”

I decided he was right, and went to explore downtown. I started feeling optimistic about my opportunity to find a new job and do something different with my life. As I walked downtown towards a job fair, Frog grabbed onto my legs, and wouldn’t let go. I tried to get him off, but I couldn’t. He kept grabbing me, and I couldn’t move. I told him, “I can’t go forward! Stop holding me back!” but he wouldn’t let go.

I woke up crying, and then started laughing. The more I think about it, the funnier it gets. I guess my brain is tired of me not getting its dream messages, so it made this one nice and clear. 22 months ago

rosewilderVague but empowering

Snippets of an important dream…

I told my mother that I wanted a professional to do my hair for my wedding, which hurt her feelings, but was authentically how I felt. I was proud of myself for being willing to disappoint her in order to do what I wanted.

Then I wasn’t satisfied with the hairdresser’s results- some sort of weird, stiff up-do, so I brushed my hair out and let it fall naturally and said the hell with it and walked proudly down the aisle, just as I was. 22 months ago

rosewilderCherry Ames and JR

This entry will make mo sense to anyone reading; it makes little sense to myself.

I was in a student nursing hospital in the 1940s, [a la the set of Cherry Ames books I used to devour as a child that my aunt gave me from her childhood library]. One of the student nurses, not Cherry Ames, had been asked to leave, and we were protesting. Her probationary period wasn’t over yet, and she should get more time to fix her deficiencies. We made signs to protest and wrote letters to the administrators.

Then was packing up from college to go home, but I wasn’t college age. I had something to do with the nursing school? There were boxes of medications that I had to go through to take home from the college, and I didn’t have a lot of time to do it. Then JR from (past) college was there, and we were talking as I tried to pack up. He told me that he still had feelings for me, and regretted the painful way we had ended. I tried to act disinterested, but of course I liked hearing that, even if my attraction to him had waned. That wasn’t only because he was in his 40s now, as my relationship with him had never been primarily about the physical, it was the way he was talking about himself and what he had done with his life.

He had been engaged twice, he said, once to a ballerina and once to a model, but neither time got married. He was a successful doctor, and had gone to Haiti to volunteer with doctors without borders, which I was very interested in, but he talked about that as if it were another way to achieve status, which turned me off. We talked as I packed up, and he helped me walk out of the college/hospital with my bags just as a loudspeaker was telling us that we had to leave the premises immediately.

Even though my attraction to him had waned, it wasn’t dead, and I felt unhappy about seeing him for such a short while just when we were making peace with the past that had haunted me. But I had to get into my car and drive back home now- we couldn’t stay on the campus anymore. The car ride would take 10 hours, which I wasn’t crazy about either. JR tried to convince me to let him drive me home in my car, and he could go to Chicago from there. I didn’t want to hurt Frog again, and this, of all betrayals, would be the worst. But I didn’t want to leave him and go alone in the car either.

I woke up before I could make the decision. 22 months ago

rosewilderI've lost diversity in my dream adultery.

Ever since I started to realize that First Boy was representing an aspect of me in my dreams, he’s gone away. I haven’t dreamed of him or of Jonathan Frakes in quite some time.

I realized this when I had two more dreams of K two nights in a row. It seems to be all K now, all the time. If First Boy dreams had come to be about insecurity (hiding my feelings for him to avoid rejection), K dreams seem to be all about my ego: he is passionately hungry for me.

He adores me so in these dreams that I felt a bit sad when I woke up, a bit lonely, as if I had lost a love. Which is ridiculous, because a) the real K doesn’t love me and b) I have a delightful husband who does love me. But I guess the K dreams are a way of adoring myself, which I could stand to do a bit in real life. 23 months ago

rosewilderI almost laughed at this one when I woke up

because it took lots of different repetitive dream imagery/fears and rolled it all into one wacky dream. But it was really too unpleasant to laugh at.

I was on a large boat, as big as a cruise ship, but not glamorous- rather run down, in fact. I wasn’t there by choice; a large number of people were all trapped on the boat, somehow related to the end of society due to natural disaster or nuclear war or both. The boat was all we had, our only way of surviving.

In the chaos of this attempt of mass survival, some criminals had taken over, and were abusing their power. I was hiding from them on the lowest deck under a musty pool table, but I had to come out every once in a while for food and bathroom use and be subject to their tyranny. Then I would hide from them again.

At one point when I had to come out, I was warily emerging from my hiding place, and then the lights on the boat all went out. Now there was no more power, and we all worried that we would soon be very cold.

We were told to go to the front deck of the boat, where they would arrange some sort of heat. (?) Everyone started to walk towards the front deck, but a friend and I shuffled slowly in the back, not wanting to go where the criminals were, even though it would be warmer, but we couldn’t openly defy them.

From the back of the crowd, still in the interior of the boat, I could see that a massive wave hundreds of feet tall was about to crash onto the deck. I grabbed my friend’s hand and ran as far back into the interior of the boat, worrying I would be trampled by other people running away from the wave. Water rushed into the interior of the boat, but we got far enough away that it didn’t fill up the inside too deep. I guiltily thought that the scores of people standing on the deck that were killed by the impact of the wave would leave more food for those that survived.

Blech. 23 months ago

rosewilderYuck. Another escaping hell dream.

They are so EXHAUSTING. Luckily, I’ve only had this dream about three or four times, but each time I do, I wake up mentally and emotionally wiped out. There’s so much planning and running and hiding and avoiding in the dream, and the mental frenzy from the dream stays with me most of the day.

This time I seemed to be a teenager. Apparently, the devils/demons/evil overlords were tricking my siblings and I in our house by luring us down a ramped walkway, which led us down to hell. [Yesterday, I walked up to the third floor of the building in my office via the ramped walkway for the first time- I don’t know if this means that hell= work or if ramps were just on my mind]. There was the whole usual running, hiding, trying to get up from underground mishegoss.

This dream was also different from the others in that a whole slew of people managed to escape when I did. We re-emerged on earth and tried to restart our society. We had a little impromptu school and I did a presentation on an African American singer named Mae Mae [mei mei is Chinese for little sister; I wonder if that is significant]. I was reading notes from a computer screen to help me with my presentation, and no one seemed to know what a computer was except one other older woman- we thought it was strange that everyone had forgotten except us. It must have been something that the demons did to us.

The other woman and I went to the library, and the librarian didn’t know what a computer was either. She showed us this “strange new machine” she had found, and the two videos that it played. I urged her to shut off the video as soon as it started, because it was clearly a trick to allow the evil overlords to trap us back into hell. She shut it off, but started to play the other one, not understanding why I wanted it off, and I had to run out of the room to home.

At home, I tried to make my siblings understand that they couldn’t look the devils, who had somehow come up to earth now, and were much more dangerous again, in the eye, because they would be brought back to hell. Despite my warnings, a few of them were tricked into looking, and they popped out of existence on earth.

So- is hell work? School? Being a teenager? My brain? Right now, I have a hell of a headache. 2 years ago

rosewilderRecurring motifs: spiders, houses, Trickleside.

[This dream occurred after I had experienced annoyance at my sister from a disappointing phone call, and a forced reminder of my infertility and related issues due to a gynecology appointment coming up.]

I was moving back to Trickleside, but my parents and my sister were with me. I was looking at a house to buy on a street that I had been to before and loved. The house was very small, but I didn’t mind because I loved the neighborhood so much. If I had to live in Trickleside, I wanted to live on this street. My mother pointed out that the house had these heavy curtains, and the seller told me that they were to block out the light and noise from the shopping center across the way. I knew I couldn’t buy the house, and I told my mother that if it was only 5 or 6 houses down on the street, it would be far enough from the shopping center, but this one was too close.

Leaving the house, I talked to a friendly blonde woman who asked if I was moving to Trickleside. I explained that I had lived there before for a period, moved back home, but now needed to move back because the cost of living was cheaper. She showed me her house, 5 or 6 houses down the street. It was stunning. Big rooms, lots of light through windows, and although the architecture and decor was in a style not to my personal liking, it was very new and bright. She invited me and my parents and sister to stay there for the night. I was trying to calculate how much I could afford to pay for this large, new house on my favorite street if she would sell it.

This was the saddest part:
I was with Frog and my family in the living room of the lovely house, and we were looking at a timeline of my pregnancy on the living room wall. Apparently I was over 4 months along. I was amazed that I was pregnant again and hadn’t known for so long again, and hadn’t miscarried. I told Frog that I’d better not go with him to an event we had planned, since we had been planning to drink alcohol, and he quickly and loudly said, “No, you have to go!” I realized that he had some sort of surprise for me that night. Was it a surprise party? I thought maybe he had known I was pregnant all along and it was a surprise sonogram. My sister was disappointed/angry that I hadn’t told her I was pregnant, but how could I have when I hadn’t even known until now?

And a scary part:
My family and I were settled in one of the rooms on the floor to go to sleep, but then I started to notice several spiders slightly suspended in their webs traversing the house just above the floor. At first it didn’t matter to me, but then I remembered that I had to be afraid of spiders in Trickleside because they could kill you here. I pointed them out to my sister, and we agreed we couldn’t sleep in the house with so many spiders nearby. We went to a nearby CVS and I asked to use the bathroom. Inside, I saw that there were almost 20 small spiders on my arm. The floor of the bathroom was flooded, so I dipped my arm in the water to get rid of the spiders.

Hmm. Why am I going back to Trickleside? Fear of moving backwards? Undoing the progress I had done? Was the house my uterus? Not a hospitable place? Or am I still looking for a home? A home that seems good, but then has serious flaws? Very disturbing dream. 2 years ago

rosewilderYes. This is exactly why I have this goal.

It is through writing and analyzing my repetitive dreams that I am able to make breakthroughs. I think that I knew this about myself intellectually before, but now I really know it emotionally, and can start to act on it.

I had a dream last night with the same old hiding and pretending/passing theme:
I was a man in Iran, and some religious men invited me to a party. I went, and unnoticed by me, the woman I was with was asked to leave because she was a woman. Another non-Iranian then said that he wanted to leave and they shot him right in front of me. I pretended to convert and be one of them so I wouldn’t be killed. I had to keep pretending because they were watching me carefully.

As I was writing down this dream, and thinking about the many times that I’ve had this dream in different circumstances but with the same theme, that I felt I needed to dissemble in order to survive, I suddenly had insight:
Whether I know it or not, no matter how far I think I’ve come in living authentically, I am still hiding a part of myself and passing as other than I truly am in some way. I am not telling/living the truth about some aspect of myself.
[some of you might be thinking “duh! obviously”, but I didn’t fully realize that these dreams are trying to tell me this until right now.

Here’s the thing, though. I have no idea what on earth it can be that I’m hiding! What could I be keeping back?
I wonder if it has something to do with writing. That maybe I hold back from writing for fear of being too open? Too exposed? This is big stuff, and I’m going to have to really spend some time meditating/thinking about this. 2 years ago

rosewilderThe usual, with a twist:

Once again, I forgot to attend the college classes in which I was enrolled after the beginning weeks. There was no way to make up the work or take a withdrawal- it was too near the end of the course. I would have to pay more college tuition next semester and take the courses over before I could graduate, not to mention what it would do to my transcript.

The twist:
I was doing housework as I worried about all this, and thought to myself: if I can’t even get my act together when I’m not attending classes or doing work, how will I manage when I take the classes next semester?

Then I realized that I’ve had a parallel real-life worry in the back of my head for some time now: if I can’t get my act together when I’m only working freelance part-time, how will I manage when I start working full-time again? 2 years ago

rosewilderAnother adultery dream

About KS.
No actual sex, just the longing and the deep need for his friendship/love We hugged each other tightly, grasping on and not letting go. I didn’t feel guilty at all for cheating on Frog. 2 years ago

rosewilderMean mother-in-law.

In my dream, I was sitting at a table with her and one of her cousins. She was making passive-agressive remarks about me, and I called her on them. She denied hostility in the remarks, but finally, her own cousin said took my side, saying that it was obvious.

For some reason, her being unkind to me was devastating. I was sobbing, and felt absolutely miserable. Way out of proportion to what I should have felt. I wasn’t even angry at her back- just terribly sad.

Interestingly, when we woke up this morning, Frog told me about something unpleasant from his childhood and his parents that he had been thinking about. I guess I was tuned in to his emotions (or it was a tremendous coincidence.) 2 years ago

rosewilderJail, gender, school?

I was in jail with a bunch of young boys. The jail cells were very small, and we had to sleep on the concrete floors. At one point, they let us out for a recreation period, and the boys started playing kickball.

I knew I wasn’t really supposed to play with them, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Since I was a prisoner, I didn’t feel that I could just walk away and join the girls’ game either.

Then I a woman that knew me called me over and gave me a great hug. I didn’t remember who she was at first, but I could tell by her conversation that she was a teacher I had in one of my classes or workshops. When the principal of the school (not really a jail anymore) heard the woman praising me, she asked me to come with her to her office and help her with some education-related matter. I was happy to go and do something important rather than be in jail, but I was worried that I would get in trouble for leaving the recreation area. I walked over to the two male guards and quickly mumbled, “I’m going to the principal’s office now,” hoping it was better to ask forgiveness than permission. 2 years ago

rosewilderThe only thing I really remember about my dreams last night

was that I was getting married to the big guy from How I Met Your Mother. He was very strong and protective of me. Everything else was fuzzy. 2 years ago

rosewilderAnother unpleasant dream.

Come on, subconscious, give me a break!

My parents were gently letting me know that I needed to find a way to move out of their house and figure out a way to financially support myself. [Apparently in this dream, I didn’t have a husband or children.] They would give me a little seed money to get started, but I had to have a plan.

I brainstormed multiple plans: Could I afford to go to college? Should I try to get a full time job? I was worried that any job I could get would be very low paying. I didn’t see how I was going to be able to make it. I needed a degree, but didn’t see how I could get one without my parents’ financial support.

I was looking at apartments, and I saw a complex in a part of Manhattan I’ve dreamed of before. The neighborhood was not the best, but it was near the bridge, which would make travel easy if I could ever afford a car. They were having an open house, and I was being shown around by a sales agent. She offered to show me several models, and I told her I needed the one with the cheapest price. They were co-ops, and the sales price was surprisingly cheap, although the monthly maintenance charge was rather high.

The apartment was quite spacious and new-looking, and my father seemed to be willing to help me pay for the initial sale. However, I was concerned about feeling safe walking around the neighborhood at night, and I was also concerned about the location of the apartment within the complex: the playground was located right next to it. Now my Aunt M. was there, and she tried to tell me it would be great to have the playground so near for the girls (apparently, suddenly I had children again), but I told her that I would have to go around and out the front to get to it anyway, and the noise coming from the playground would probably be bad.

I looked at the sales agent’s paperwork, and she had a code for my trustworthiness on it. Apparently she had me down as telling her one lie so far on the tour. I was shocked- I had told a white lie, but I was annoyed at being judged for it. It was such a minor one!

This dream wasn’t much of a surprise, since I have some serious financial concerns right now. However, I would like a little relief from my real life worries and my dreams. 2 years ago

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