well I don’t think I would be surprising anybody to say that this hurts like a bitch. Especially when it is sort of my own fault. Sort of. Well, you can’t choose who you fall in love with can you? One day at a time. I know one day I won’t feel like this. I don’t know what is meant to happen. Time will tell. I was too scared to love because of a lot of things. Things werent right in my life, I had a lot going on, the age difference was too much, he is from a different culture and I was pretty sure they wouldnt accept me. It went on and on, I had every excuse, and intended to deal with it when everything was perfect and of course everything will never be perfect and I was self sabotaging and he finally moved on with someone else. Trying to get over being replaced by a stick insect 11 years younger than me. Still a bit in shock about it because he didnt move on for so long and things just changed so drasticly. Angry and upset at myself for missing out on something that could have brought me some happiness. Have real wonderings on destiny, and what is meant to be and I really don’t know what is meant to be. Grief over the loss of someone who really cared about me, life feels very lonely now. Jealous he can move on and create the life he wants and I am scared and don’t, and it wont be easy for me. Angry I let low self esteem let me not confront some serious issues in regards to culture etc a long time ago when it would not have hurt nearly so bad as it does now. I hate that loving people seems to have brought me way more pain so far than happiness, and this doesnt just go for romantic love. I hate that he pointed out to me just how broken I was/am. I hate I hurt him, I hate he hurt me. I hate we couldnt be friends. I hate he is giving someone else what he could have given me and I hate someone else is giving him what I could have if I had the balls to face my fears, given him. So much disappointment in myself. I go back and forth from being angry to being sorry. I don’t really want to accept this is the end. 14 months ago
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