find direction

I’ve been realizing that I haven’t truly been living in the moment and I think that distracts my sense of “direction”. I’ve now been trying to take in what I am involved in, learn and grow from my experiences, and cherish the time I spend with my family and friends.

I realise this is a pretty huge goal and I need to break it down. I think this is why I feel a bit unfocussed and tired a lot of the time. I’m not quite sure where to start with it, so I’ll have a ponder on it and then come back to it.

I suppose this is a goal that’s pretty typical of twenty-somethings. And yet, I feel the retarded inner turmoil I’ve experienced for the last few years should have happened in high school instead of college. But it’s the reverse. I was more sure of myself then. Or at least, I had clearer assumptions as to where I would be in five or ten years. Here and now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing next year. There are very few things I want to do anymore, which was made all the more obvious when I tried to figure out things to list here.

I couldn’t even come up with ten.

So, direction. They say to find a career in something you’re passionate about, but the problem with that comes if you don’t have anything you’re passionate about. You’re apathetic, and you don’t care. And you begin to not care about how you don’t care. And it’s a circular spiral downwards until you drown in a pit of despair.

I don’t know how one goes about finding direction. I hear classmates tell each other that they came here and saw someone doing something and suddenly had this amazing epiphany where they realize exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Draw comics, make cartoons, make games, write songs. It’s an art school, what can ya do. I’ve already changed my major three times, but every time I get knee-deep into anything, I decide that I hate it after all. I can’t do this for a living. I can’t even do enough to pass this class.

Find direction. Find passion. Find purpose. I’m tired of being a nihilist. Now I just gotta figure out how to find anything when nothing’s there. Artists create something out of nothing, supposedly. I always thought it was pretty pretentious to call oneself an artist though.

find my path

I have no idea what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, I’ll be starting uni in September and I don’t even know if I’m choosing the right uni. Theres so much I want to do, I just don’t know how I’ll do it.

A few weeks ago I realized that I make a lot of decisions based on other peoples’ expectations, or what I think their expectations of me are. I think I’ve passed on opportunities because of this. So, I have been examining what is important to me and making decisions that enhance my life and the life that my f and I are building together.

I feel pulled in too many directions and have for a while, and I feel if I could focus that I could truly give some great results. I’m afraid to give up anything though or make any sacrifices….

I now realise that I can’t pin point anything in particular and that as long as my son, partner, family and I are all happy and well I should wait and see how life pans out. So thats what I shall do!

This is a really tricky one for me. There are so many things in my life that I want to explore, and things I know I already love and want to pursue. It’s more a case of finding time for them all, and deciding which to really go for and put all my energy into. When I try to sit and think about where I want my life to be going and what I truly want to do I just get so confused and frustrated that I can’t see a clear path that I give up! Not gonna solve anything is it. So, for once in my shambolic life I have to be decisive. Not something I am good at! Wish me luck x

So what would you do with your life if you won the lottery and could dictate your own lifestyle without worry of financial obligations? I know what I would do. I would travel the country, going from university to university collecting undergrad degrees like they were comic books. I already have one in Communication & Culture and will soon have a second in Telecommunications. From here I would probabaly go for Philosophy, then Psychology, then maybe History or Sociology. Or at least that would be the plan if I had unlimited funds, but I don’t.

So what’s the next best way to stay in school forever? I figure the next best thing is to start in on Grad school with the ultimate aim of achieving a PHD, publish a few books, and of course teach as a professor in the meantime. I miss the discussions about film and social movements from my CMCL days so I will most likely be seeking admission into graduate program in Communication theory.

Here’s where I encounter my problem. Disertations are long, and I have been known to have a short attention span. I no longer believe that to be my problem so much as the question of what will be my focus. Media Theory? Production and Technique? Film Interpretation and Dissection? Postmodern thought in media? I find all these topics interesting, but no one topic sticks out as more so than the others. If only there was an easier way to force myself to choose…