Admit I'm a hot mess & embrace it

from the inside out, top to bottom.
Goodness I ache to darn much.

Sigh… It’s naproxen and Darvocet time.

Am I worth effort and Time?

Am I worth, devotion and honesty?

How about, giving and love?

Am I worth spending time with, laughing with, talking and smiling with?

Am I worth being nice to?

Am I worth calling, touching, pleasing, Fucking?

Am I worth diamonds and silver or just what ever is cheap and easy to find?

Am I worth the sleepless nights, the long talks?

How about showing how you feel am I worth that?

speaks so much louder than any of the pretty words that come to mean nothing.

I was talking to someone last night, I thanked him for his time. For just calling me and giving me his time, attention.

He told me to stop, that I had to stop thanking him for his time…
I explained to him that to me, giving your Time is the best way to show you care about someone. When you just from your heart give of yourself. NOT just time, but the attention, focusing on that person, letting them know that what they feel, what they are thinking is worth hearing to you.

He let me know, that it was his honor to be there for me. To listen to me talking about things, to help me feel better.

What you do speaks so much louder than words… And yet again that lessons comes flat in my face…

Isn’t that funny, to wonder about your grace.

But I do, I find myself reaching and reaching and this hardness builds inside me. {why do I reach so much}

A lot of times I feel my hand being slapped like a petulant child who needs chastisement. No, all I need is to be listened to.
I don’t know a lot of answer, I sure have a great many questions though. Like why do I reach all the time?
why do I continue to Believe when things around me says to give up, give in, let all go…

I don’t think it’s any special strength or magic. I see nothing of specialness. I just get tired at times of the constant holding my arms open, of knocking on that door.
I don’t know what I am saying really, I guess there are just times I get tired of reaching. I guess it would be so nice to be reached for. To see arms open for me to run into.
For my door to be knocked on, I guess I have no answers and a lot of my questions are just folly.

Today it begins… I am not ready. I’m really not ready.

I went to the Ocean and I got huge discovery. The SPF I was using, not enough, I needs to be 2 million one. Umm, humm.

By the time I realized {yeah imagine, ocean waves lulling you, spray of salt water all over your body, the wind a constant source of cool} that I was being cooked. It was way to late. I left quick.

I am Allergic to the sun, I don’t go into it with out a very high SPF, I wasn’t even out there for hours. How does one and half grab you. Yeah, just 1 1/2 hours in the sun and this is what happened.

OH, I’m not gonna die, I wish I were, the pain is horrid. But I am having a reaction to that much sun. Uncontrollable shaking, in my body, kind of like spasms. I see sun poisoning on my lets {oh I’m feel all pretty now}.

You know I love dark completions, I am very attracted to dark colouring. I think it’s simply beautiful, every women just looks prettier with some colour…

I have how ever come to accept that I am to forever be milky white. I don’t have a problem with it. One thing I do hate, being sunburned and it looking all nasty. If I had just known that it was not going to be enough. When I was pregnant with Sie, it was so bad that I couldn’t go out even in a car uncovered {arms, legs} the poison was so obvious that people would cringe…

I hated those looks… I hated feeling sick even more, it makes me nauseous and shaky and tired, really tired. Anyway, I took steroids and steroid creams for the poison. I’m all better, still allergic and now the flippin sun poison is on my legs.

Sigh… I really messed up, BIG… There is the picture up there. If you look close you can see the freckles on my shoulder. Don’t no one tell me my shoulder is ugly, I am sensitive today… LMFAO… look at the difference between my skin..

It was easy after all and here is the link

I am thinking it is time to reevaluate this, or add to it something.

list 100 things that make me happy.
I would find it and toss the link if I was not so darn lazy, but shoot I have nearly 600 completed things, that’s just a lot to weed through. So don’t no body ask for that link okay.

I am thinking that I would like to start listing things that just make me happy, not a list but maybe put it under my blessings thing or some thing. Just as a reminder of the small things that make me feel like me.

Like yesterday when Dre called. OH, you have no idea how much that meant to me. Houston can you believe it… A huge piece of home moved to Houston. Now that is not so far away.

I woke myself up…
I woke me up saying, “I said to stop” I was saying that during the dream.
Do you think I will ever have someone who will care if I’ve had a bad dream?

I was only asleep an hour. LOL, in a not funny way.

I’m just going to sit for a minute before I go back to bed. I’m taking some med for my head, it’s hurting really bad. I feel like crying. OH hell, I am crying.

Do you think, that when I have bad dreams and some one is laying next to me he will hold me, or tell me to hush when I cry in my sleep?

I hate these dreams, I hate them.I just hate them. My whole life, every since I can remember… I would wake up and my Dad would be sitting in the living room or standing in the hall, sometimes I would wake up outside {not often though he put locks high on the doors, and he was always there. My dad slept light, it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized I was the reason.}

I seen my dad sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands {it looked like he was sleeping}
“Daddy, whats wrong?” “nothing honey, you were screaming, I just wanted to sit up with you a while, in case you needed me…”

This one time I woke up standing on my bed trying to get out the window, my dad woke me that time. He didn’t usually wake me up, the times he did I remember him saying things like, comforting things “it’s okay baby, it’s only a dream”

I stopped having them after my divorce and rarely did they come. I don’t know why, here lately they are so strong… I would not have woke anyone though. I would have done what I’ve done my whole life. Got up and sit alone, till I could sleep again.

Do you think that someday someone will hold me when I begin to cry in the night and I won’t have to sit alone?

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. When I work many hours I am far to exhausted to dream let alone have a night terror. It’s no big deal, I just wanted to write. I’m going back to bed now. I have to get up early {I can sleep another hour}. I’ve some big decisions I need to make to day. {no turning back}...

It’s just, I had a bad dream.

Where is the wind and those Blessings.