get my act together

Now I thought finding mistakes in my last report was rock bottom.

The love of my life dumped me. Now THAT is rock bottom.

It’s been two weeks. I’ve cried, I’ve begged, I’ve lived through anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, cried, panicked, questioned, reevaluated, missed him terribly…

I miss him now.

I’m afraid that my “neuroticism” cost me the love of my life… I might have driven him away and lost him for good…

He did, however, allude to a glimmer of hope.

Negativity pretty much ruined me so I choose to be hopeful that when the time is right, we’ll find our way back to each other. And if that doesn’t happen, I’ll still be happier than I am now.

For the next year, I must…

- Mend my broken heart
- Make peace with my family
- Forgive myself for my part the relationship’s failure
- Settle my work issues
- Cultivate my interests
- Cultivate my friendships
- Be happy
- Travel
- Believe in myself
- Keep the faith
- Flourish

Be strong be strong be strong…

I waste toooooo much time and by doing so wasting my potential. God gave me a functioning brain and limbs, which I feel are rotting away!!!!

I start college in September doing a masters in research methodology and politics which is the first part of a PhD. I’m going part-time at work from 01-09-08 and hope to eventually get a research related post by the end of my masters. I can’t begin to describe how relieved I am that I’ve managed to get this far thanks to a little help from my friends and a lot from Big T who put up with alot last year…

MY LIFE OR SHOULD I SAY QUALITY OF IT DEPENDS ON IT, NOT TO MENTION MY BOYS AND THE LEGACY THAT I LEAVE. AT LEAST I FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT.

MY LIFE OR SHOULD I SAY QUALITY OF IT DEPENDS ON IT, NOT TO MENTION MY BOYS AND THE LEGACY THAT I LEAVE. AT LEAST I FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT.

...the job is deal-able with, money is coming in, my driving is fine, I am working on myself using a few self help books, I will also be going to a weekend Shaman workshop in April which is something I’ve wanted to do for years, my confidence is growing but needs more work, as does the whole self-esteem thing, I am contemplating going into therapy for a short period to talk about my relationship and my feelings about it, I am eating healthily, practising gratitude daily, doing yoga a few times a week and swimming three times a week. It’s hard work keeping everything going but so, so worth it.

Now, I need to find some sense of community and voluntary service. I’ve realised that I feel lonely from time to time, which is strange considering the friends and people I have around me. I think community will come from starting college part-time, in October, and I am getting to know people at work, going to a meditation group regularly will help too.

Service will come from volunteering either for The Samaritans, an animal shelter, or the Lesbian and Gay organisation in this area. I used to do helpline work so mebbe I’ll go for that? Who knew that Susan Jeffers would turn it all around for me. Yay for Soooz! I can’t recommend “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway” highly enough people – it works.

lately ive been doing this, dont know what prompted it, but things have been coming together, one thing affecting another, the social part of my act still needs work i guess but, when my friends come around so will i.. they just gotta get over themselves, it sucks when everyone you called a friend lets you down…thats how it happened livin life by the drop. i guess thats why theres 6 billion people here, you can literally fuck shit up a million times and not even put a dent in your possibilities…;)if you want help doing this i do kinda know how i turned things around, and i started out pretty far down the downward spiral, let me know, you dont even have to tell me whats wrong i got the advice that pulled me out i can give you and its generalized.

This is happening slowly. After a year of behaving like a fool and nearly pissing everyone who cares for me off, along with acting like an unstable, reclusive basket case, runaway asshole, I think things are finally coming together. I am driving confidently, I am about to start a well paid job so can pay off some of those debts and am also formulating an escape plan from that job in 12 months so I can retrain as something else. I am involved in something creative: music, which people seem to like and feel that I am moving out of that slough like, negative, de-energised space into something that at least has some semblance of forward motion.

{{Relief}}

this sort of goal is so vague, you’ll never know if you’ve ever accomplished it. So onto more definable things, yo.

My act is in the process of getting together.

Check this one as done…