exercise gently

My mum dragged the rebounder up from the depths of the cellar this week. It was dusty and cranky from being shut away for so long, and I sucked the dirt off it with the hoover before wiping it down with a damp cloth. The red plastic rim started to show through the brown; I wonder how long we’ve had it down there? It’s been years since my grandmother broke her leg. She used this as part of her rehabilitation and turned up one day with it saying she didn’t want it cluttering up her house, take it please.

I tried the rebounder out in front of the window in the living room. I thought the springs would be stiff and complain loudly but they bounced happily as I shifted my weight on it precariously. It’s my new muscle making machine.

At first I could manage about thirty seconds of “being brave” on it before the dizzyness came and I toppled over onto the sofa, the room swimming. (Here’s why.) I kept at it, doing it again the next day and the next and the next… Holy hallowe’en Batman, I can do almost five minutes now! That’s real progress :)

Artwork: Beach-side Stroll by Daeni Pino

I’ve changed the name of this goal from “stretch regularly” to “exercise gently.”

For the past few weeks I’ve been lifting weights, maybe lifting them ten times a go several times a day. It’s actually making a difference! It seems so novel and I’m almost kind of amused; I’ve tried this before in the past and I’ve never been able to keep it up. Now I have my foot in the door…

I went to see an alternative therapist on Monday. She turned out to be a trained psychotherapist and we talked about what I’ve tried in the past for my health and what I’m doing now. She said she didn’t think graded exercise would be a good idea at all for me, and I was actually really relived she said that. I can back off now.

Sometimes I really feel I have to go for it when I exercise, even though I know that it’s not good for me because of the M.E. I catch myself thinking how “I haven’t exercised properly in so long, maybe I should make up for it? I could do as much as I can now and then pick it up again tomorrow…”
I’ve also noticed I compare myself to others so much when it comes to fitness. I pin my worth on how much I can do and achieve, as if I have to prove I’m still a vaild person behind all the M.E..

I know, it’s the old mantra: it may not seem like much but it’s a big achievment for someone like you! It really doesn’t make me feel good.

It’s strange, but since it’s been on my mind I feel like lifting those weights has subtle ties to the “feel beautiful” goal. Not because it might make my body firmer and more sculpted, but because of what it means psychicly and emotionally. On an intuitive level it seems to really tie in.

I feel so sensitive writing that, as though I want no one to see.

I want to do a few little different exercises everyday, but if not, no problem. I’m really glad the therapist lifted this from my shoulders.

I hope writing this entry won’t jinx anything, but gentle exercising has been going quite well lately (it’s been super gentle. I’m hoping that if I just move inch by inch everyday I’ll really get somewhere.)
Sometimes it’s so hard to let up and go easy on myself but I’m getting better at it. I’m beginning to relax about doing just simple things. I think the trick is not to think about it too much, because when I do that I want to set goals and push myself.
I think there’s a part of me that’s surprised that I have M.E. still and large limitations when I exercise now. Maybe it still remembers exercise as being fun and easy and enjoyable; it’s the part of me that thinks, “go for it! You can do a lot, have fun!” when I attempt to do mild and “safe” exercise.

I haven’t done any yoga again yet, and I don’t think I will for a while because setting goals and forcing myself to do more with yoga was all too easy and it would create all kinds of conflicts in my mind and in/about my body. (It’s annoying, because I know that if I was healthy I really could go to my limits and stretch them and see myself improve.)

I’m not quite where the doodle is yet but I’m finding it easier to accept doing the easy things and that’s progress in itself.

I’ve been carefully stretching on and off, but it’s been especially slow since I had ‘flu and fell back quite a bit. I tend to over do it anyway and I think that’s made me nervous about taking this more seriously in case I hurt myself.

I’ve been doing swingy-arms-thing from tai chi (ahem) and have added some yoga and tai chi DVDs to my Amazon rental list to help me do this. It’d be so good to do this goal well.
I saw “Beat Fatigue with Yoga” was on DVD and got really excited as I have the book and its by someone who actually had ME herself, so it will be Rosa friendly.

I want to touch my toes :)