get over my social phobia

This is the biggest goal of all, if i could do this, then i could probably do all the other things on my list!

really are so much better to me than i previously gave them credit for.
sometimes, they get preoccupied too.
but then they do something that makes me cry, not because i’m sad, but because i realize how lucky i am to have them.

My friends basically go out of there way to make me feel like shit.
No wonder I always am so afraid to go out places.
Seriously, I wish people I knew weren’t so selfish.

Seriously, it’s mind blowing.
Like, I still have my awkward in my skin moments, but they’re getting less and less frequent.

I performed in a bellydance show in front of a packed auditorium…without even feeling nervous, or wanting to kill myself when I messed up a turn..

This is like some kinda crazy high for me, because either I’m usually so nervous I wanna puke, or I feel so bad if I screw up..

For the first time, I feel like that’s really progress.

I’ve been putting myself out there lately, which is absolutely terrifying.
Usually, I just freeze up and have trouble responding to things…or I’ll go polar opposite with nervous chatter that makes me sound like an idiot.

But, it’s Spring Break, and today’s the first day I’ve actually put aside to get stuff done and have _{me time}.

I’ve been so uncomfortable all week, hah.

Hopefully, I’ll just get used to it, or something.
Because my comfort levels have not changed one bit.

sigh After class i would deliberately isolate myself. I would go up to an empty classroom and write. I love the solitude but i have it all the time!!Sometimes i feel as if i can’t even speak! I have this fear of people. People scare me!! I rather be alone and away from people. It just makes me feel so much better to know that i’m not alone!
I need to deal with this problem. Why are we socialphobes? The last time i actually socialized was and i’m not joking…last summer. For me it’s class then home. It’s so sad because after class i’d walk away from everyone.
On facebook if someone writes a comment or starts up a conversation on my wall..that’s the worst thing ever! lol it scares me..especially when it requires a long sentence haha it sounds crazy. Sometimes i find myself reading it over and over again to make sure it’s perfect or it’s the right answer.
p.s people are sooo scary

i hardly ever leave the house except to see my ex boyfriend and to go to therapy.. right now i’m hiding in a back room at my mom’s birthday party in mass and the rise and fall of voices and all the small talk and these two kids running around playing hide and seek and channing “1,2,3,4, i wanna thumb wrestle!” it’s all too much right now. my sister and i were supposed to leave at like 430, then it got moved to 5 and then 530. it sucks that while planning for her party my mom had to make sure there was a place for me to excape to and i had to make sure i had people to call if i had a panic attack. i wanna just be able to go to parties with out worrying about that stuff. plus being a recluse is giving me wicked computer back…

Being social is a real problem for me right now. Not only am I, as always, scared of people, I also find it really hard and, well, boring to be around them. I avoid parties, invitations and usually don’t answer the phone. It doesn’t feel like so much of a deal… I’m just “not in the mood” for company. Being alone is so much easier.

But I don’t want to give in to this anymore. I want to be really ALIVE, to try new things, make new friends and maybe find people, that I can be interested in without trying. Soulmates. And people who are just really fun to be around.
Anyway – life doesn’t happen in my bedroom, in front of the computer or studying. Life doesn’t happen while making plans ( what I am doing right now – let’s hope not for too long )
We need to get out there to be social, because we are social beings, and CANNOT exist just inside our heads.

Fine. So I have some ideas about how to start.
One thing I’ve always wanted to do is getting into martial arts. So I will start taking classes, and that is one way of being around people, maybe even making friends ( I’m not to hopeful about the latter, but well..at least I AM beating social phobia, I am going to an appointment regularly, even to an appointment, where I have to PROVE MY ABILITIES, when I would much rather lock up at home and..let’s not even think about it, because I hate myself for it ).

I also want to do something really..adventurous. I’m not sure I actually WILL.. but here is the plan:
I want to go to a club/bar playing “special interest music”. On my own. Without knowing anyone there. I also cannot dance, which doesn’t help much with socializing.
I may be just sitting there and watching people, because I doubt I will find someone to join me. But it will still be a step, a really scary step actually.
Is this a good idea??
I really don’t know. While it seems really ridiculous and pointless, I know, that this is what I really WANT to do. I want to be daring, I want to meet people, especially people, who share my interests.

Another similar goal will be to attend concerts and actually find people to accompany me.

The easiest but also most steady improvement I have to make, is however to maintain contact with friends, regularly write them messages, invite them, go to parties every now and then, and just CARE about people. I cannot expect to have any kind of relationship without doing something for it. If I don’t show interest, noone is going to force me, noone is going to try, to care…if I continue making excuses, avoiding everyone, not answering messages I destroy every chance of getting a social life.

I want to remind myself, everytime I look at this goal, that it really MEANS A LOT to me. I want and need to do this. I need people, no matter how much easier it feels to be on my own.
Even the most superficial relationship can be fun, can feel good. And every other, really meaningful and important relationship, can only be developed if I try.
Not even looking for it, will not make it magically appear.
People are not going to find ME, if I hide from them. I need to get outside, to get myself in the limelight, be allocatable, to have people happen to me.

But it isn’t healthy. Alcohol makes me more social.

My phobia isn’t any better yet. I’m trying, and I do get out more, but it’s… kind of painful and embarrassing. Painful because I feel dizzy, weak, breathless, and ill around people who make me anxious; embarrassing because it’s obvious how bad I feel; and more painful because it’s so damn embarrassing.

When I was dating Daniel it was getting better; he was so outgoing himself… But now that we’re over, it’s just twice as panicking to be around Daniel or anyone who reminds me of him. Seeing him sends jolts of electricity through me. Not the good kind that energizes and excites you, but the angry sort of electricity that singes your innards and leaves you feeling empty and hopeless.

I’m wondering if maybe it did help to be on the Cymbalta and/or Prozac. It’s like medication made my brain organize itself differently. Not better or worse, just differently. I can see that affecting this stupid panic disorder.