There’s another free gig coming up, so I called for my sister to ask if she wanted to come with me. My dad took the phone and I really did NOT feel like talking to him, so I just asked for my sister and didn’t talk with dad. He didn’t even mind, he didn’t even ask how I’m doing, I just asked for my sis and he gave her to me…. he didnt even mention the card I sent.

He’ll probably bring her to my place for the gig. I wonder what that meeting will be like. Will he be interested? Or will he take off quickly?

2 weeks.. let’s see 6 years ago

I sent dad & stepmom a ‘happy easter card’. It’ll arrive next friday. So the waiting can start again.

Why does my dad not care at all about his own daughter!! My 2 sisters (real sisters, not step-) also found that dad’s not really into the father-daughter-relationship kinda stuff. That doesn’t matter, I think I wouldn’t even WANT him to come over often, but he could at least give me a ring (or send a card or e-mail) every now and then, or AT LEAST in response to my attempts to contact him!

Sometimes I tell myself not to send him anything anymore, he can just forget it. But I can’t, everytime I’m sending cards (I always do them all at the same time, when I send 1 to a friend, I send 1 to all my friends and family, just because I like to send cards and I know they like to receive cards :)) I just send him one too. I know I shouldn’t, but I also know that if I don’t, we have no contact at all.

OK, by this, I officially promise that the easter card was the last 1 I sent to my dad and my stepmom. I won’t contact them any more, not until they’ve contacted me.

This is hard…. Now I have to wait… probably for nothing.

My sister has a burn-out. I sent her a package with all ‘happy goodies’, like tea, seeds for flowers and plants, figs (she loves those) and home made chocolates. When she received the package, she was so happy and immediately called me to say thank you. It was so sweet that she called me :) but then I realised: that’s how normal family members react. My dad just isn’t normal. He’s stupid. 6 years ago

I sent her some more tea a couple of weeks ago. No reaction. No ‘thank you’. No card. No e-mail. I did not send her a birthday card, but i did send a christmas card. No reaction again. Last week they were at my work, they just dropped by, out of the blue. So yesterday I sent her the birthday gift (a little book about nature) by post. I also asked in the letter if she’d tell me whether she did or did not like the gift. So now I wait. If I get no reaction again….. well I don’t know what to do then. I’m doing my very best to be kind and to stay in touch, but what do I get? I don’t see her as an evil bad bitch anymore, but why does all the contact have to come from MY side? 6 years ago

I invited her and my dad over for my birthday. they came and told me they appreciated it that i had invited them. they behaved, except some stupid jokes of my dad, but i’m used to that. besides, nobody laughed when he said someting ‘funny’. but they were there, i had expected that they wouldn’t come because they hadn’t come last year either. but they came.

last week my stepsister (stepmom’s daughter, she’s ok but a bit of a nitwit) stayed at my place, because there was a free gig in town. we went together and the next day we went shopping and also to a photo gallery which was quite cool. we had a good time. when dad&stepmom brought her to my place, they had also brought some stuff for me: apples, cookies, drinks & so on, very sweet&thoughtful. I had been ages since the last time they gave me food and other student-stuff, so i was very surprised. i also had some things for them, like soup with meat (i had just become veggie 2 days earlier) and stuff like taht. they liked it.

i also had this tea called ‘tension tamer’. it has a great taste so i gave it to my stepmom and told her to try it because it tastes so good. I wasn’t even thinking of the name of teh tea…. she took it with a joke, in a way in which i could feel that she’s starting to realise how terribly explosive she’s been sometimes. we laughed together about it. I didn’t really care about it when it was happening, but now i’m writing it down the tears are coming… it’s stupid.

i used to listen to dimmu borgir, they thought i was a satanist and bad and evil and a potential killer. now stepsister is listening to it and they respect it. she hated me for listening to metal, but now her own daughter likes it, it’s ok all of a sudden. i said it’s hypocrite and tehy know it. now my stepsister is starting to become like the girl i was back then, all of a sudden they start to be able to accept me more the way i am somehow. the hypocrites….

...but it’s better to have care that has come late and that’s based on hypocrisy, than the hate she has given me for so many years. 6 years ago

last saturday she told me she has breast cancer. I didn’t feel shockd, I didn’t feel sad and I didn’t feel happy either. I took the information emotionless.

For the people who are curious: don’t worry, she’s not gonna die. She discovered it in an early stage and is getting an operation in 2 weeks. But those are just facts, I’m worried about my (lack of) feelings.

On the 1 hand, cancer is terrible. On the other hand, so is my stepmom (or actually, she used to be). I had expected a mixture of all kinds of feelings, but instead I feel nothing. It’s so weird.

She also asked me if I wanted to stay in her house (or actually, the house of her and my dad) in the summer holidays for a week, so they could go on holidays. Something inside me says it would be fair to do that, because if I wouldn’t do it, they wouldn’t be able to go away on holidays at all. But I still can’t forget about all those times she was SO EVIL to me, that I actually couldn’t care less about her holidays. I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to let them go on holidays, it was her very own decision to have so many pets so that they always have to stay at home. Besides, the village they live in is BORING, in the middle of nowhere.

pro’s:
they can have their holidays
contra’s:
the village is boring
I’m not gonna wake up every morning at 9 to let the dogs out
I can’t go to work for a week
she’s ruined 4 years of my life
they can ask other ppl to do it, I don’t owe them anything

Conclusion: they can stick those holidays where the sun doesn’t shine, breast cancer or no breast cancer. 7 years ago

I’ve been having nightmares lately. About her and me in a fight, in which she was overscreaming me with unreasonable arguments. In the dreams I just couldn’t win from her. This saturday we have a family meeting. I’m scared. Will she be there? What will she say? She’ll probably act very kind and say she should visit me someday. And then never do it because she hates me anyway. The hypocrite. I think maybe one day i should talk with her about this, about how her tiranny is still affecting my daily life. Would that make it better for me? It would probably end in another fight, which I am really trying to avoid. I wish my dad never married her. I wish my mom never married my dad, cause he can be very stupid as well. Oh hell, I wish I could just forget about everything and go on with my life. And most of the time I can. But these nightmares make it terrible, even if it’s only for a few days, maybe 4 or 5 times a year. But they make me sick. They make me insecure. And they stil make me cry. I hate my stepmom. I’m hoping for the day she’ll die. Is that harsh to say? Such little things in every-day life can remember me of fights I’ve had with her. I wish the thoughts of her would end. I wish she could fully see what her arrogance, her lack of reason and her lies have done to me. How her tiranny is still affecting my life. I’ll never be able to forget what a bitch she’s been to me. I hope she’ll understand that one day. But she probably just thinks it’s all my fault. I hate her 7 years ago

it’s hard to think of her… lately we’re going on really well. it’s hard to see her as just a terrible woman, because nowadays, everytime we meet, she isn’t that bitchy at all. now I’ve come to the point where I might be able to accept that she has also taught me many good and right things, she knows what i’m like and what my strengths and weaknesses are. but i can never forget about all those times when she hated me so openly. and maybe one day i should forgive her for that…. but only when she fully realises that i can never think of her without crying about all those fights we had. i want her to realise what she’s done. but how, without starting a new fight?

I sent her a card this week, invited her over for dinner. i hope we’ll be doing well this time. 7 years ago

you know the song in south park the movie?

she’s a big fat bitch she’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, traalalalalaaa

that one yeah 7 years ago