Create my own reality

And the one I have gotten the most cheers for since I got into 43T. Ironic.

I am shy of turning thirty, and have spent almost the last decade working diligently on a career in human rights and academia, doing everything from being a research assistant to funding my own non-profit. While there was a vested interest in helping make an impact on the lives of others, (mixed in with the naivete and idealism that accompanies this type of pursuit, as well as with the belief that working in certain types of fields make you a better person than others), I have realized that, in my own warped way, I was also streamlining myself professionally into this field because of a sense of economic and personal security. Not that one can become wealthy on working at a non-profit, but it was a day job that provided me with a constant stream of income. And more and more, I was becoming calcified into this profession because of what it could ensure for me. Again, I did feel committed to the change I thought I was creating, and I have evidence that I did in fact help others with what I did. But it was losing that element for me, and became a way of ensuring my lifestyle (with its contradictory combination of limitations and extravagances).

It was hard for me to recognize how much this factored in into what most people viewed as a noble career. Again, this was not the only reason that moved me to work in this area, but enough to make me confront myself about it. And I sat down to be completely honest with myself a few months ago, when I became extremely ill. I think it was my body’s way of telling me I couldn’t keep this up anymore. And so, some time later, I am trying to go back to my roots, and to make a living (not just economically speaking…more like making a life) from honest work that reflects my real interests, not trying to pull one off on somebody. Those are extreme terms, but that is honestly what I felt I was doing towards the end of my “old” professional life.

I am scared. I feel vulnerable, like as if I was 18 more than 28. I was much more secure and focused at 17 though, when I left my home. Now I am struggling with the idea of coming off as stupid (I do not use another adjective because this is the term I use with myself): the young professional that all of a sudden wants to “become an artist” strikes me as terribly cliche, and I am afraid to come off as superficial. But I wanted to go to do creative writing and go to art school since I was very young. I just never told anyone about it, burying my interests deep and never letting them come to the surface. And here I am, trying to pursue a career change late into my twenties, and take myself seriously enough so others will take me seriously (those whom I tell, anyways).

I am terrified it will not work out, I am terrified I will “fail” (whatever that means), and I am mad at myself for having become so rigid, so old, in fact, of thinking I need to prepare for the future by hyper-controlling my present. I want to break away from that and really live, knowing that frugality at this stage of my life where others begin to think about settling down is actually honesty, and that material acquisition really could hamper an otherwise spontaneous and gratifying existence doing only what I really care to do. But still, its hard. Hence, here I am, trying my best to give myself the space to actually create my own reality, and release my self-made security constructs. And its all starting right here, right now, in Philadelphia, which I have come back to in a pilgrimage of sorts, to find myself and begin my new life path.

Let me just say… that was not a fun time.

I did a course with Bob Scheinfeld, see his website, www.bustingloose.com. It was a bit out there, but great!

This has alot of pros and cons.

with a little help from synchronicity… just a little though,

I want to have free Rollo’s dispencers on every street corner. --Oh, and a fleet of 19 year old Elvis’s following me everywhere I go.

I’ve begun making “Declarations to the Universe,” and I’m telling you… it packs a punch!!!

I recently declared that I wanted a job that would give me plenty of money and yet also plenty of free time. Less than a week later, I had an appointment for a job interview for freelance work. I’m now making twice what I make in my day job. I know that I will eventually be doing freelance work as my primary source of income…enough money to support myself and enough time to really LIVE.

So, all I can say is… make declarations! Figure out what you want… what it will look like, feel like, smell like… and put it out there. Be specific enough that you get exactly what you want, and yet open-ended enough that the Universe has the wiggle-room to work things around.

Anything is possible. Really.

I am currently reading Deepak Chopra’s “The Book of Secrets”. It’s very thought provoking. The premise of the book, and the secret of the “Secrets” is that we each create our own reality, with our intentions, our thoughts and our actions.

My goal is to create the reality I want by paying attention to my intentions, my thoughts and my actions and doing what I need to do to create the reality I want.