learn to say no without feeling guilty

Wow so Im not the only person who struggles with this.
I find I have trouble saying no to my boss because I dont want him dissaproving of me.

In the past I have said yes to everything he requests but I ve relized I only did that to not make waves,later I come home and complain that I didnt want to do that task anyway.
Ive relised by being a people pleaser I have made a web for myself that I have felt stuck in until now

I am learning that people don’t like hearing the word no. One friend even commented, days later, that I was acting weird on the particular day that I said no to her, bordering on being rude, she said. I wasn’t rude when I said no, I clearly remember doing it, but she is so used to me always saying yes and getting her own way, that it threw her for a loop.

Ah well .. here’s to NO!!

i was absolutely delighted to find this messageboard that im not alone in this. i never even knew i had a problem here until i met a particular extreme type of person. they moved in my house a few weeks ago. im naturally a very generous person and it works wonderfully with other generous people however as a housemate i was being questioned, asked of, requested of on a daily basis for just about everything.. can i do this.. can i use your.. can i have your.. can you do this for me… etc etc etc..

im still wondering whether the altruistic way is to always give and is that possible to live by… but by that philosophy.. this world would take everything you have.. i wonder what would Jesus do?

one thing i have learnt is that people either go about their lives primarily with an attitude of “what can i do for other people” or … “what can other people do for me”. its a shame that some people will actually abuse the generousity of others and emotionally bleed them dry to a point where they actually no longer feel like being generous anymore but this is the world in which we live. some people will happily take from those who give freely … but .. always want more… then they will expect it… then they will actually get mad at you without it..

other people if you show generosity to even just once will show thankfulness for the rest of their lives.. i personally believe we have to learn to give as well as receive… it has to be both or you will always ultimately be out of balance..

the moral of the story is to start off with each person saying “what can i do for you” ..... but … once you’ve determined which sort of person they are… continue with the “what can i do for you” approach… or absolutely say no to every single thing they “request” or more likely – demand.. a leech is selfish.. not a person who refuses to feed a leech… theres nothing charitable or generous in feeding leeches… actually its quite the opposite… the time and energy instead of going in a black hole could be reaching someone genuine..

my biggest problem now is that with this extreme type of personality .. setting the boundary of saying “no” works… i can learn that and totally get the logic of NO GUILT.. trouble is that it seems to be about saying no without guilt and WITH patience perseverance and endurance… after you say no to something these leeches will always try asking for something else…. or … they will always try pushing the boundary to the smallest possible compromise that saying no to that seems petty and ridiculous…

i think this situation is perhaps more difficult than some others because in the outside world you can choose the situations you enter into… this is my house where i rent a room but share the rest of the house with others renting rooms too… i cant be avoiding this person in times when im feeling strong and resolute and in times when its been a long day … so as much as id like to conquer this its definitely difficult.. can anyone keep their “say no” guard up 24/7?

Perhaps I should have had this as a Thing all along, but for the first time in my life, I told someone “no” and didn’t spend a day feeling guilty over it. My aunt called me last week and asked if I could dogsit again…it’s not a job I terribly enjoy, but it’s not that I mind it either…I had to work that day and had plans with Lauren that night, so very simply, that’s what I told her.

Later, she told my Mom that she had to stay home because I couldn’t sit for her dogs, but still, I refuse the guilt. She could have found someone, I’m sure—a grandchild, a friend from church, etc. Simply, I had other obligations and had to attend to them.

Now, if I can keep this up, we’ll be in business.

I used to feel guilty saying no… i always equated the word no with I can’t. Now I associate it with I won’t. And I really don’t care who thinks I’m a bitch because I’m not interested in doing whatever it is that they think that I should do. It’s like some button went off in my head once I hit 25. Suddenly, I realised that no was a mode of self preservation, of setting boundaries, and that anyone that didn’t respect those boundaries was probably someone that I didn’t need to know. In some ways it is being selfish. In other ways, it totally isn’t. I love saying no. Totally and absolutely love it.

It’s inevitable: When you tell someone “No”, they will at least wonder to themselves about why you can’t. Some even feel it is within their right to ask this aloud to your face.

It can irritate people to no end, but responding with a simple “Because” can do wonders.

And if they ask “Because why?”... give them the most obvious of answers, like “Because I’m not going” or “Because I’m not doing it”.

Or another alternative to the “Because why?”, or if they continue to prod after telling them the obvious answer, you can politely smile and ask “Why do you need to know?”

It will piss people off. It will irritate them. It will make them think you are selfish or secretive.

1. They’re probably already annoyed with the fact that you’ve said “No” to begin with, and
2. Aren’t they bringing it on themselves to some degree by being overtly nosey?

I struggle with this constantly. Constantly. This is the best solution I have come up with, as of yet, and would love to here more suggestions.

improvement!:)

I have a huge issue with becoming emotionally involved and attached to people where I always want to help them and make them feel better even when I know they are purposefully being destructive and do not take any steps to change their attitude, outlook, or actions. I become so frusturated and then feel guilty that either I cannot help them, they do not want my help, or I feel so exasperated that they take my help but only make changes that make them dependent on me that I end up not offering my help anymore and then feel guilty about not helping. But not helping is for my own sanity. I have plenty of issues on my own and am still helping/working with/listening/being there/etc. with so many others. It is exhausting. But, I have made a pact with myself now, to pick and choose the battles I want to fight for others. I am just to tired to do it all. And even for that statement I feel guilty. But somehow I am slowly able to erase the guilt with logic.

I don’t know what to do..i’m usually the “giver” type of person. Over the last few months however, I was the one being “given”...it was a much needed help …but i fear that this person has some hidden agendas of needing me later on.

Just as I thought this person later on asked for financial assistance. I’m a student and couldn’t help. Out of my kindness however, and being “stuck in the middle.” I lent her the money…

How can i avoid situation like this? Should i just not attach myself to people?