learn to say no without feeling guilty

I am still having a huge problem with this. I don’t know what to do.

It’s a life skill, I don’t particularly like when strangers tell me right off the bat after meeting me that I’m a doormat, or spineless, so I make up some quip’ about “Yeah..but..wouldn’t listening to you now, make me seem even more gullible and unable to think for myself?” I can be generous to a fault, some people do not deserve the side of me that will do anything you want on a whim, I think it’s an integral part of my being to be a little humanitarian but maybe I oughta focus on who I’m being so nice to, just incase they might not be as reciprocative as I am, it’s better to give than to receive, but sometimes it is kinda nice to receive as well.

I’ve nearly accomplished this, but I still need to work on it. Getting better at it has come with the fact that I worry less about what other people are going to think about me.

I have a very hard time telling people no when they ask me for things. If I do say no then I always feel guilty and beat myself up over it. Sometimes I even go back and do what they asked due to the guilt. Ugh, I would really like to learn how to say no without feeling guilty.

I am not good to say NO. I will say NO without gilty and don’t make him/her hurt.

Wow so Im not the only person who struggles with this.
I find I have trouble saying no to my boss because I dont want him dissaproving of me.

In the past I have said yes to everything he requests but I ve relized I only did that to not make waves,later I come home and complain that I didnt want to do that task anyway.
Ive relised by being a people pleaser I have made a web for myself that I have felt stuck in until now

I am learning that people don’t like hearing the word no. One friend even commented, days later, that I was acting weird on the particular day that I said no to her, bordering on being rude, she said. I wasn’t rude when I said no, I clearly remember doing it, but she is so used to me always saying yes and getting her own way, that it threw her for a loop.

Ah well .. here’s to NO!!

i was absolutely delighted to find this messageboard that im not alone in this. i never even knew i had a problem here until i met a particular extreme type of person. they moved in my house a few weeks ago. im naturally a very generous person and it works wonderfully with other generous people however as a housemate i was being questioned, asked of, requested of on a daily basis for just about everything.. can i do this.. can i use your.. can i have your.. can you do this for me… etc etc etc..

im still wondering whether the altruistic way is to always give and is that possible to live by… but by that philosophy.. this world would take everything you have.. i wonder what would Jesus do?

one thing i have learnt is that people either go about their lives primarily with an attitude of “what can i do for other people” or … “what can other people do for me”. its a shame that some people will actually abuse the generousity of others and emotionally bleed them dry to a point where they actually no longer feel like being generous anymore but this is the world in which we live. some people will happily take from those who give freely … but .. always want more… then they will expect it… then they will actually get mad at you without it..

other people if you show generosity to even just once will show thankfulness for the rest of their lives.. i personally believe we have to learn to give as well as receive… it has to be both or you will always ultimately be out of balance..

the moral of the story is to start off with each person saying “what can i do for you” ..... but … once you’ve determined which sort of person they are… continue with the “what can i do for you” approach… or absolutely say no to every single thing they “request” or more likely – demand.. a leech is selfish.. not a person who refuses to feed a leech… theres nothing charitable or generous in feeding leeches… actually its quite the opposite… the time and energy instead of going in a black hole could be reaching someone genuine..

my biggest problem now is that with this extreme type of personality .. setting the boundary of saying “no” works… i can learn that and totally get the logic of NO GUILT.. trouble is that it seems to be about saying no without guilt and WITH patience perseverance and endurance… after you say no to something these leeches will always try asking for something else…. or … they will always try pushing the boundary to the smallest possible compromise that saying no to that seems petty and ridiculous…

i think this situation is perhaps more difficult than some others because in the outside world you can choose the situations you enter into… this is my house where i rent a room but share the rest of the house with others renting rooms too… i cant be avoiding this person in times when im feeling strong and resolute and in times when its been a long day … so as much as id like to conquer this its definitely difficult.. can anyone keep their “say no” guard up 24/7?

Perhaps I should have had this as a Thing all along, but for the first time in my life, I told someone “no” and didn’t spend a day feeling guilty over it. My aunt called me last week and asked if I could dogsit again…it’s not a job I terribly enjoy, but it’s not that I mind it either…I had to work that day and had plans with Lauren that night, so very simply, that’s what I told her.

Later, she told my Mom that she had to stay home because I couldn’t sit for her dogs, but still, I refuse the guilt. She could have found someone, I’m sure—a grandchild, a friend from church, etc. Simply, I had other obligations and had to attend to them.

Now, if I can keep this up, we’ll be in business.

I used to feel guilty saying no… i always equated the word no with I can’t. Now I associate it with I won’t. And I really don’t care who thinks I’m a bitch because I’m not interested in doing whatever it is that they think that I should do. It’s like some button went off in my head once I hit 25. Suddenly, I realised that no was a mode of self preservation, of setting boundaries, and that anyone that didn’t respect those boundaries was probably someone that I didn’t need to know. In some ways it is being selfish. In other ways, it totally isn’t. I love saying no. Totally and absolutely love it.