Improve my self-esteem

I feel like I’m stealing energy from people by making them fall in love with me, trying to compensate for my lack of self esteem. It doesn’t make me feel any better, though, as I’m incapable of loving someone back, and in general I find it hard to have close relationships to anyone. I don’t know why it’s like this, and I don’t really know how to fix it.

1 – Make a list of my good qualities and 2 – Stop hanging out with toxic people

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If I could make any kind of progress on this goal, I think it would help me beyond measure.

My husband is taking his first ever psychology class right now (which is about the most annoying thing someone close to you can do because they constantly try to analyze you).

Anyway, they reached the self-esteem chapter and he let me have it. I’ve always known I don’t have the greatest self-esteem… but it really hit home when he was pointing out all the characteristics that give me away.

-self dissatisfaction
-problems accepting imperfections
-lack of intimacy
-a need to be constantly busy
-procrastination

I’ve gotten much better over the years (okay, a little)... but I’ve still got a long road to travel. I have a really hard time letting people get close to me because I’m afraid of what they’ll see. I always have to be doing something – and when I’m not I totally crash. Sometimes I put things off because I’m afraid to fall on my face. And if anything goes wrong in my little world I gladly blame every iota on myself.

I love my husband so much, I even love the annoying things because he wouldn’t be him without them. Why can’t I love and accept myself like that? And trust other people to love and accept me as is?

I’m tired of feeling like damaged goods. It’s time to grow up, put on my big girl panties, and stop punishing myself.

I think I still have lots of work to do in this.

I have made a lot of progress loving myself. At least now I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. But sometimes when I face difficult situations I tend to return to my old negative thoughts. I need to love myself unconditionally.

I feel like dirt. There’s is learning to be had here though, if I look for it. I am a good person though I feel the opposite right now. Good people don’t always do good things and they don’t always say good things. That’s not an excuse, it’s a fact of life. I’m going to push myself back up, though. I won’t let the negative voice tell me that I’m fat or stupid or ugly or unlovable or ridiculous. I am none of those things; I am incredibly smart. I am beautiful. I have a great personality that is still maturing. People do love me. I have a room full of people that will love me madly. Life moves forward and I am going to move forward with it. I will.

I am going to climb for myself and I am going to finish what I started.

In the community of yoga practitioners, my former friends were there… I’ve read a post that was addressed to all my colleagues except me.

I’ve felt it. Could this be karma (since I was honest about my comment about the venue)? Sometimes social networking sites make me lonelier. Things become more transparent and people are too.

So if I feel more alone in this world, I shouldn’t change the way I am. I want to do more good. If they don’t like me, I can’t help it.

Wow….I can really recommend one of these workshops for building confidence!

It’s also a great way to release lots of stored up negative emotions and release them in a powerful, creative and safe way.

It was a weekend workshop and I’m still aching now…3 days later!!

One of my biggest fears and insecurities is that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was quite lonely child (even though I have siblings, but they were older than me) and I was lonely teenager. I don’t want to be lonely as adult. This insecurity pops up it’s head every now and then. Even though I now have friends in my life and a boyfriend, I sometimes questioning them; what they want from me and how they can and why they like me. And I am afraid that someday they just say; that’s it, enough! and I will be alone again. I don’t mind being alone sometimes. But being totally alone in this big world, scares the hell out of me. I’ve been wondering do I determine myself trough other people, and I think that I do. Everyone who I interact with, affects me somehow. I could never be a hermit. It would drive me insane.

Last night I found this notebook I planed to use as my journal where I write feelings and thoughts about this subject. I had totally forgotten it, but last night I wrote something there. And I think I try to make it a habit to write there more often.