Improve my self-esteem

I’m really over excited because the theatre group I contacted have just emailed me back to say auditions are on Sunday!

This is to
a) Join the group and
b) Be in their summer play – which is called chorus line.

I am sick to the stomach with nerves over what piece I would chose for my audition – I think I have to dance too! But even worse would be the feeling of regret if I didn’t go, just all the ‘what if’s.’

The guy who emailed me about auditions said ‘don’t worry – if I, at 53 and 15 stone, can get in anyone can !’

SO SCARED!!! But its a good scared if that makes sense?!

Have decided that what my self esteem/ confidence needs is some extra hobby, so after much searching have finally come across a really awesome looking musical theatre group near me.

I used to do this loads at school, and I know it would give me such a boost to get back into it.

I emailled about membership and everything! I really should join, I hope I’m good enough – you have to audition to get it, but the shows they put on are exactly what I want to do!

xxx

My self-esteem needs to stop relying on him.

If one week, I convince my self that he is ignoring me, I feel worthless and that I should just kill myself.

And another, he shows that he loves me, I feel on top of the world and think his love is the only thing I live for.
Maybe it’s true.

There have been lots of tears! I don’t know whats wrong with me, but I am convinced noone likes me and everyone finds me really boring.

You know how sometimes you can be in a room full of people but feel really alone? I’m feeling quite empty I think – like my life is work, eat, TV, sleep…

I really want to join a musical theater group or something – I used to do LOADS of this stuff at school but have done nothing in probably 7 years now – only I cant find a decent group in my local area! I’m sure this would be a boost to my self esteem. Ho Hum.

Maybe I will start an art class or something – I don’t know why this would help particularly. Just feel like doing something like this by myself would give me a boost!

xxx

i love to anaylize everyone else. i try to take in all the factors: personality, emotion, setting, environmental influences. then i offer a well considered opinion that i do not expect to be accepted, but one that i hope will give insight and/or open up dialogue. on the other hand, when it comes to myself, i tend to be cutthroat and judgemental. i know why i’m doing the dumb sh*t i’m doing, i just can’t seem to stop myself. or maybe i don’t want to. it kind of feels like pennance. and it kind of feels like crap.

It’s not as bad as it was, so I probably have done this. I think we all have times when our self-esteem isn’t that great, we all have bad pictures, but I can look at some pictures and think I look good. I do generally think I look good, I’m not perfect, I have flaws, but hey we all do and I don’t need to be perfect. I’m not skinny, but you don’t need to be to be attractive. I have some spots, but again, what does it matter? I don’t suppose I’ll ever be perfect at it, but I think I remember when I was younger and I had more spots, I did used to just think I was ugly. I mean, I can look at pictures of me from even then and think I look alright. I was slimmer back then but again, that DOESN’T matter. This probably is done, I mean the goal isn’t make my self-esteem the best in the world, it’s just to improve it, and as I got older I think it just happened. If people put me down it’d still upset me, and I don’t want to compare myself to anyone because that could bother me… but at the end of the day looks aren’t that important, and hey, I’m a nice person (again, not perfect!). ALSO, I know I’m worth happiness, love etc. Sometimes if I’m not happy or I don’t feel love, I’ll feel bad about it, but I know I’m worth it. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone else, so that proves my self-esteem isn’t too high! I’d say I’m average, like everyone, so why should my self-esteem be any worse? Surely, also, the most natural thing is to have alright self-esteem (despite it being hard sometimes), and yes; I do love myself. I have in the past felt like I hated myself, but I don’t – and I have to be there for myself, because I’m all I have ALL the time! Oh, also – just because I’m not that good at some things it doesn’t matter. For example, playing pool. Although to be honest I’ve been told I’m getting better, I do pot some balls and have won some games! I’ve played it a lot, so it’s no wonder I suppose. Also I’m getting better at Wii fitness on Wii sports, the more I’ve done it – first time I was around age 60, now I’m 30-something! Besides, if I find something fun I don’t have to be the best at it. Also, if anyone did make me feel bad about myself if I know in myself that I’m worth being happy then it doesn’t matter what they think! I hope I can stick at this way of thinking, but at least I do feel my self-esteem has improved, as I said!

How can I feel good about myself? I had to take pictures of myself for my son’s class project and I couldn’t take one decent picture of me. I looked ridiculous in every picture. I hate it.

I don’t think it’s difficult to see from my other ‘things’ that my self-esteem isn’t quite up to par. I really need to figure out how to fix that. I feel like people have been telling me my whole life I’m not good enough, and I’ve gotten to the point where I believe them. I need to try and get out of that way of thinking. How? I researched online. Make a list of what I like about myself? Well, first, I’d have to know what I like about myself, and second, just because I write it, doesn’t mean I believe it. So, I need to work on it. A lot.

I cut for the first time in months today. It didn’t make anything better. I feel sick. I don’t even know why I did it. Its like my mind wasn’t even working. I just did it.
I need some sleep. My words aren’t even coming out right.

Today someone in a position of power tried to get me to make a decision to do something I know in my heart was not right for me. Often time when your self-esteem is low you tend to do what ever you think will make other happy, assuming it rude to think of you rude happiness first.

I know, deep down that it was not the right thing for me, but tried it their way anyway. I even spent the afternoon fretting about it until I came to this page to review my goals. It was right their. What I had done by sticking to my gut feeling was improve my self-esteem. And now I am so happy I did.