Improve my self-esteem

Jordan’s been gone for months. My decision.
He left me with a drug addiction that I’m not proud of, but have finally kicked. I don’t speak of it.

Hate to admit it, but
I am so low.
Like, I-haven’t-smiled-in-weeks-low.

Anti-depressants confuse me. I am depressed, I know this. I’ve been here before, it’s like an old friend.
But I know WHY I am depressed, for the most part. I just can’t find the power in me to fix it.

What the fuck does a pill do??
I’ve neeever considered doing this any way but on my own… but this time, it’s seriously NOT working. And I hate therapy.
I want to try a prescription, no matter how much it scares me.

I realize that this goal will never be accomplished if I don’t shape up. I won’t ever feel truly great about myself until I can look in the mirror and not see fat. I wish I could be one of those people who could see past the fat and live a lovely life but I know better. I know that my weight tells the world that I have issues with food; that I abuse it. I know that I am not healthy and that I could feel so much better. I also know that no matter how cute I dress or how gorgeous my face is… it doesn’t mean shit if all I see is the layer of fat in the mirror.

I hate to say that this goal is all about looks but I know my weight is really the biggest, if not the only, contributer to my unhappiness and self-loathing. I know I’m the whole kit and caboodle but I’m ready to upgrade the packaging!!

You can and you will. And you deserve it.

Today I went shopping for some new clothes. My wardrobe has been looking pretty rough and I haven’t put a lot of effort into it lately because I keep hoping to get back to my high school size. Today, I decided that’s probably not going to happen. After all, I didn’t have boobs in high school and I certainly didn’t have two kids! It was so liberating to buy things and not worry about them not being a size zero. I feel good about the things I bought and will probably go back again soon. :)

I’ve been using a positive mantra to stop the negative things I say to myself in my head. It’s been helping. Ultimately I know I have to find it within myself to realize I’m a worthwhile person. I can’t draw my self worth from what other people think of me or how they treat me. Right now I think my self worth is dependent on others and it’s not working!

This is probably the most important goal on my list. I think a lot of my problems stem from low self-esteem. My relationship suffers because of it. I constantly feel judged even though people probably aren’t judging me. I feel ugly and worthless. I just signed up for an e-mail course to help improve self-esteem. I will probably seek out counseling. I have been struggling with this problem since adolescence and I am tired of it! I am ready to change how I look at my self and in turn how I look at the world.

I’m again putting myself down. I feel that I am not good enough. Pretty enough. Nothing enough. It’s nonsense. I know.

I better go to school now…

I am so much better than I used to be, but sometimes I still make myself sad about how low I can feel about myself!

Who knew that leaving my entire life as I knew it behind and moving to a strange city alone would be just what my self-esteem needed?

Since I’ve been in Portland, my self-confidence has sky-rocketed. From day one, I realized that all I have is me here and nothing will work out if I don’t believe in myself. Every single day I am put in some sort of new situation, whether it’s a new place or meeting new people or talking about a new subject and I am proud of the fact that I have yet to shy away from anything. Instead of sitting quietly, I offer my opinion. Instead of freezing in fear, I forge on. Instead of going up to my room, I stick around and mingle.

The other day, at that job interview, there must have been 200 people. My initial reaction was to turn around and go home. Too much competition- what chance do I have? But, I went in. And then instead of finding some loner seat in the corner, I pulled up a seat at a table with some interesting looking people and cracked a joke. Good thing because we wound up entertaining each other for over 3 hours! And, I met a super cool chick who will be coming to my Super Bowl party!! The interview itself? Well, I think I’ll be called back but, even if I’m not, it was a huge opportunity for me to see the progress I’ve made in such a small amount of time!!

i got over the first step of self improvement: quieting the nasty voice in my head that says I suck, turns out he was completely irrational and made my life worse. But i still have a lot more to learn. I need to not only be OK with myself, but see my own self-worth and act on it. I dont want to just live I want to love.