take control

the year is nearly over,
and i feel i have achieved this now.

i am a philosopher, whose taken into account the wisdom of others, which has made me realise what i can do.

i have taken control, and long may it last.
i never want to hold myself back again.

its coll

My main new years resolution 2009.

Today I think I made a good step in a positive direction for this goal by simply opening this account. By getting your goals out in the open it’s easier to progress to achieving them.

I also think I made good progress by finishing everything I intended on doing at work today. I didn’t leave until I was at a point that I literally could get nothing else done. I’m really proud of that.

Tomorrow I’ll focus on priming (morning)
on my research (afternoon)
exercising and meditation (evening)
Possibly I could go to the party (gotta sort that out, I’ve gotta understand what I really really want)

Sunday: at my parents’, priming, exercising and relax
Monday: doctor1, post office, doctor2, work/research
Tuesday: work, luggage

I was doing so well!! And then, a moment of distraction and everything seems to fall apart. I feel back in my cage, where life is a meaningless alienating routine. This is because I lost control again. I’ve gotta stick to my plans, damn it! otherwise I lose control and everything goes spiraling down. That’s not the way it is supposed to be. I feel lonely.

I don’t know why, I really don’t…but these last few days have been getting worse and worse. For no apparent reason I’ve become weaker and weaker (you can also see that from my morale-o-meter).
I wonder why.
Let’s make some assuptions. I’ve lost control and energy because:

1. I’ve started working again after the summer break?
2. I let MC and MF humiliate and disrespect me?
3. I’m worried of what consequences there might be in my having being involved with these abusive guys? (Actually I am terrified at the thought of how they could damage my public image, and I really regret having trusted them so foolishly and immaturely)
4. I’ve eaten a lot of junk food when all I needed was rest?
5. My social life is shutting down again?
6. I feel overwhelmed by all my various engagements?

I think assumption no. 2 and 3 are responsible for my sudden setback. Letting these two cowards treat me so bad is not good for me, it damages my self-esteem in a very deep if subtle way. These are the relationships that have hurt me most in all my life, and the emotional scars are still painful.
How do you recover from humilation and abuse?
This is the key to my misery. My life has been so generous to me, I have everything, yet these bastards manage to make me miserable and I don’t seem to be able to defend myself. I despise myself for that.
I believe I need to forgive myself for my silly silly mistakes. Please, raincheck, let this be the very last time you make this same mistake again. I hate myself for that. I’ve gotta forgive and find peace with myself and be faithful to my believes and values. Enough with sabotaging my otherwise wonderful life!

I was doing just fine, with a mild setback due to MF treating me like s—t again (his shame, not mine!!). Than this is what happened: I accepted to go out on a date with a guy met on skype. He arrived late when I was already tired and ready to go to sleep. Anyway, the evening was pleasant enough even though he was not at all my type. When he took me home he kissed me and wanted to come upstairs to my apartment. I didn’t like kissing him at all. I felt somehow violated. I should have said no…that was very disgusting. As a consequence, I sought comfort in MP. So as soon as I was safely home, I started chatting with him and we ended up having phone sex up until 3 a.m. This is how I lost control, because the following day I was a wreck and all my beautiful plans went to hell and MC was ready to help me alienating myself with sexual fantasies shared over the phone….another day gone awry…
I now realize that quite strangely every time I make a mistake or someone treats me bad, I feel this compulsion to make things worse. MF mistreated me, so I went on a blind (and potentially dangerous) date with a stranger who disrespected me, so I turned to evil MC to become completely oblivious and let him crush my self esteem under the weight of his perversion.
This behavioral pattern is something which I was not aware of, which I have just discovered. I find it to be a rather dangerous and self-demeaning behavior. I know it now, therefore I can fight it. This is not the person I want to be. I still intend to live a happy life. A life I can be proud of. Right now, there are a few things of which I am ashamed. I will move on, and forge a life of honesty and well-being.

I keep procrastinating, or maybe it is not me, it’s just bad luck. I was OK 3 weeks ago, really trying hard to be in control (of my meals above all, which is my biggest problem), then I met an asshole who shamelessly lied to me, and that was not very nice. Result: my self esteem lowered a bit, and so did my power to control myself. The following week, my ex-ex-boyfriend wrote me an email: that was utterly unexpected and excruciating since in my mind I’ve always believed he was the one. Well, soon after we bitterly quarrelled and I sent him to hell. Result: my self-esteem disappeared, I started eating like crazy and living on impulse. It’s not over yet. Last week, my ex-boyfriend called me on the phone. Same story: a few words, and then bitter words and an even more bitter “get out of my life” goodbye. Now, I’m in deep chaos, to put it mildly, wondering whether it is my fault. Must be me, right? There are 3 of them against me, three horrible relationships which did me very very bad, each in its own special way. I know it looks like t is my fault, but it isn’t. I’m just being unlucky. Yeah, bad luck. I feel very lucky healthwise, moneywise, and even workwise, but when it comes to human contacts, I’m cursed, yes: I’m just cursed. So it’s not my fault, and I’ll stand by me, in spite of all this self-hatred that I display in my daily habits. It’s not me. So, I’ve gotta gain control. Again. I don’t know when, ‘cause next week I’ll go on holiday with my parents, and the mere thought of it makes me sick. I’ll be busy figuring out how to survive the madness, let alone being in control!!!
So, this is the plan: try to make the most of my holiday, not to worry about my weight, appearance and general misery, and, once I’m back, make August my “back on track” month. Next August I will devote all my energies to forging a new me. I’m gonna be born again, stronger and healthier. It may be just wishful thinking, yet I have no choice but to believe I can do it. Just do it.

i think i’ve gotten much, much better at this. and i’ve also come to terms with no matter how “in control” or assertive i am, it doesn’t necessarily mean that everything will work out because of it or that we’re meant to be.