My marriage is coming to an end. Well, at least it certainly appears to be. I have caused a lot of grief & feelings of disappointment with those that I love, through my inability to focus & realize that I have not been the husband, father & man that God requires me to be. I have allowed my unseen mental struggles with Adult ADHD control my life, eventhough I didn’t know it until about a year ago. I will be 41 on November 18th. Regardless of the circumstances, I clearly was not focusing on my family in a responsible and loving way. I didn’t put together the pieces of the, not too complicated, puzzle quick enough to see the full picture. I have been so heartbroken and sad over what I am facing and losing my wife, and not being home every night to kiss my 4 girls goodnight, or seeing them in the morning to start off their day with a, “Have a great day. I love you!”. As sad as that has made me, and believe me there’s a much bigger feeling of loss, I just don’t have the time or probably space to put it all down at once.
I have been trying so hard to show my wife that we belong together, and that I am making progress, and I realize the pain that I have brought on my family, namely her for the past 13 years that we’ve been married, 16 years that we’ve been together as of yesterday. I know what I must do & I’m a better person for the going through struggles that we have. Her only response is, “Good! Then the next relationship you have will reap the rewards of my suffering.” Wow!!! That’s a hard pill to swallow, and I have refused to take that medicine. However, I am a believer & follower of Jesus Christ, and I know and trust that he wants what’s best for me. I realize that this isn’t it.
I am not a bad person by the standard definition. I have never had a problem with drinking, drugs or women. I am not violent or indifferent. I do all of the grocery shopping and almost all of the cooking. I have never so much as called her a nasty name, let alone been abusive, yet she would tell you that I have abused her far worse than any of these other things that I could have been done, by taking advantage of how much she loved me & not fulfilling the needs of my family, and breaking my promises to get a job & make things better, and by filling her with false hope. I can admit that I HAVE made bad decisions & choices. I take full responsibility for my downfalls & how I have disappointed so many that once believed in me. This is where I can now say that I just didn’t know the difference.
My wife’s view of me can’t be changed. I felt so deeply that she would truly see the man that I am & what I am capable of, now that I have focus, I’m taking medication & seeing a therapist. I have even finished my resume & applied to several jobs. I finally see that none of that matters. She is fully commited to a divorce. I can’t say that I haven’t had the courage to change the things that I can, but up until now I didn’t quite get the other two parts of acceptance and wisdom. I do now.
