don't take things personally

According to Myers-Briggs, I am an INFP and am prone to not taking criticism well. I think this is certainly true of me – I always seem to be perceiving things in a way that they weren’t intended. I’m not sure why – people ask me why I am inclined to think the worst from them, but I don’t see it that way at the time. For me, if I see even the faintest trace of a negative emotion, I start thinking I’ve done something wrong or I’ve really annoyed this person. I don’t blame them for thinking that (well, if it’s a stranger, I tend to get irritated if I think they’re judging on the tiny bit of me they’ve seen, but nothing major); I just feel bad for having caused it.

It’s not healthy, because it makes me feel guilty for things that the other person didn’t really have that big an issue with in the first place, if at all; and eventually, I end up being resentful of the fact that I can’t seem to make people happy.

This is completely ridiculous, because firstly, I’m expecting that if anyone is unhappy around me, I’m the cause; secondly, I’m assuming that when they are engaged in conversation with me, I can be the only cause of their unhappiness, when they may very well be thinking of something else or a number of things, of which I may be a tiny factor; thirdly, people’s happiness is to a large extent, their own responsibility, and there should be a balance between my intentions to do good, and being gracious enough to apologise for any damage done, even if I did have good intentions or feel that blame is not clearly one way or the other. Better this than being sullen or argumentative.

I sound like a real grouch now, but I feel that my personality is at best complex, and at worst, a mess! I tend to be a pendulum between different states, rather than equanimous. I wouldn’t say that I have extreme mood swings or anything; but I can change mood quite drastically with little stimulus, and I would really like to get this under control. Little mood swings will be fine – I don’t want to be the same all the time! :)

[I was trying to come up with an image for this goal, and just remembered Joe Pesci from Goodfellas, and how touchy he was! :) Don’t worry – I’m not that bad! But I did think it was amusing :)]

I wish i didnt take things personally …....and i dont think its something I’ll ever be able to master completely cos thats what makes me (guess its all in the genes!!!) However my main goal is to take stuff on the chin a lil more .I dont want to let stupid things eat me up ….especially comments from people that have no direct impact on me or my life. If you are someone i care for you’ll understand and if you dont understand you’ll at least try too.

I’m a little thin-skinned sometimes, and a few specific behaviors from some others are still challenging to me.

However, this is no longer a major issue in the way that it has been, so I’m counting it done.

The best approach for me was to do my very best to understand why someone might have been hurtful in that way. When I understand – even if I don’t agree – it’s a lot easier to bracket it out and get some distance.

Also, I’m not nearly as fragile as I was when I was writing the dissertation or looking for a job. Things in my life are fairly stable and good right now; that means more confidence in myself, less vulnerability and self-absorption. When you’re depressed and a bit insecure – as I had been – it takes less to throw you into emotional turmoil anyway.

Since i was very young i had a weird way of reading what people were saying,and i really should learn to just let comments go. And no care so much.

I have discovered that when I give to much weight to the thoughts or the actions of someone else, I am neglecting myself in some area. Usually the fault,( If I should even call it that) lies in the fact that I am focusing my energies in the wrong place and it’s time to go within. Truth is in the stillness and I often have the tendency to distract myself with the mindless busywork of worrying. So I am focusing my energies on Lovin the Skin I’m In. This leaves no room for worrying because loving yourself takes alot of work. You really don’t have the time or the energy to worry about the other stuff. I am not talking about the superfical stuff. Bur the unconditional stuff that breeds truth and healing.

I have always been a sensitive person. When I was little I would cry when I heard a fire engine because I knew someone somewhere was hurting. Since that time I have learned that I am empathic. I have also learned that I don’t have to accept other people’s opinions just because I understand their feelings and their energy.
Since making this goal I have learned that life is far too valuable to clutter with someone’s expectations of you. Everyone else is just doing the best they can with what they have and that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. I have also learned that I am or was a terrible enabler. No one can save anyone else, especially from themself. When I was younger my mother used to tell me to consider the source when I was internalizing someone’s misconception of me or my intentions. It has taken decades but I have finally internalized that statement. I am the one true source I need to consider. Spending time connecting with my true self keeps me from misinterpreting the actions of the outside world. In order for me to stop taking things personally, I have to do what’s needed to take care of me, the complete triad: spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I now see that when I am too concerned with what’s going on outside, it’s time for me to go within.

this is one of those goals that is never-ending. it is an attitude and a decision rather than a “do it and be done with it” goal.

i’ll consider this goal met when i’ve had and documented 10 instances of not taking something personally that i normally would.

if anyone has any recommendations for articles or books that have helped them with this goal, would you let me know? i’ll also post anything i find. i know this is one of the toltec “four agreements,” and it’s certainly the most difficult one for me to internalize.

But I very seldom take shit personally…well, unless it’s MEANT personally…or I’m on my period…tired…or pouty for some reason…or early in the morning when I’m not awake yet…or unless it comes from my soontobeexwife…or a muslim…or some other whacked out religious asshole, like christians telling me how to live my life…and what to believe and not believe…and whom I can love and have sex with and not…

Otherwise, what’s to take personally?

It is very hard not to wonder what I said to upset somebody to make them unsubscribe from me. I know that people close accounts, they move on, they adjust subscribers, it may not be that I did anything at all. It could be that what I say just doesn’t interest them. It could be they hate my foul language. But in the end, really, I shouldn’t take it personally.

I am certainly confused as to why I have as many subscribers as I do. And yet, I lost 6 subscribers this week and I have to say that it does bother me. I think it’s the not knowing who or why that makes me sad. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my subscriber count so’s as to not know. Ignorance… bliss? Maybe not.

So, goodbye you mystery 6. I hope you fare well. You’re welcome back anytime you like, but you’re free to go any time.

Those of you still around and interested in the verbose ramblings of an aging programmer, you’re crazy, but I love you.

I tend to do this a lot, even though I know I shouldn’t. So I had a look for some resources to help me, maybe they will help you too.

Read Taking it personally – do let me know if you find it useful.

Kx