Practice "And How Am I Like This?" when judgementalism, impatience or annoyance raise their smug heads

• Instead of telling yourself that your emotion is bad, ask it what it has to tell you. Every emotion exists for a reason and the reason is always to help you.
• Instead of pushing an emotion away, tell it you want to have a closer look. Ask it to reveal itself from behind its mask. Very often you will find that emotions are layered. Anger masks fear; fear masks hurt. Getting past an emotion means getting through its layers to the root.
• If a feeling is overwhelming, say to yourself,”I want to ride this out first before I look at it.” Realize that the overwhelming feeling isn’t the real you; it’s something you’re going through.
• If you recognize that certain situations always bring the same reaction, ask what you need to learn in order for that reaction to change. Repetition is like a knock on the door—it stops when you open the door and greet what’s on the other side.

From The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra

I spend way too much energy being frustrated with other people. I tried this exercise from The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra:
Make a list of three people whom you intensely dislike, disapprove of, or have had strong conflicts with. Put down four qualities for each that you find the most offensive.
For each trait say “I acted like this when I…”
Of course what we hate most in others is what you most strongly deny in yourself. And my “detested qualities in other people” ran along a trend: selfish, defensive, self-absorbed, loud, egocentric.
Hrm.!

Whenever I feel the need to vent about a personal situation. I’ll write about what annoyed me, and once I have that down, I’ll end up looking at things from the other person’s point of view.

When it comes to the “and how am I like this?” part of the goal ~ I may not always find a way in which I act in the same manner that annoyed me, but I can usually find something else about the person that I can relate to, that I know annoys others.

I was the difficult person today.

Sometimes, it is hard for me to practice this goal, because I truly go out of my way to be as thoughtful and kind as I can to others, and I get judgemental when others don’t make the same efforts at thoughtfulness and kindness.

Today, though, I was not myself: I was a bit rude to a colleague, and certainly not helpful to her or thoughtful in my actions.

So the next time someone is unkind or unthoughtful with me, I need to remember that everyone, even super-swell me, can have an off-day.

I spoke with a friend today; both of us have transracial families through adoption. My friend mentioned an acquaintance of ours who is currently in the process of adopting a child. However, this acquaintance, despite facing a very long and troubling wait in the adoption process, is not willing to adopt transracially. She and her husband are Caucasian, and they are only willing to adopt a Caucasian child.

I am having a really hard time not being judgmental about this.

On the one hand, I know that transracial adoption is not easy, and shouldn’t be undertaken if the potential parent is not completely enthusiastic about it. I also believe that there is no one right way to form your family: what’s right for one person is not right for another, and furthermore, forming a family isn’t about “doing a good deed” but about making the right choice for you and the baby.

On the other hand, fuck you and your precious Caucasian skin. Yes, there are challenges in becoming a transracial family. There are challenges in adopting someone of the same race as well, though, and frankly, if you’re so invested in having a child that “looks like you”, I very much doubt that you are prepared to deal with those adoption challenges.

Of course, someone could say the same thing about adopting a physically or mentally disabled child- and I would in no way be nearly as judgmental about someone who did not wish to adopt a “special-needs” child. I understand that not everyone feels prepared to take on the parenting of a disabled child, and that adoptive parents shouldn’t feel pressured into doing it if they aren’t ready. Of course, there are no guarantees with any child, adopted or not, but I could understand the desire to TRY to avoid some of the challenges inherent in parenting someone with special needs.

So either race is very different than disability, or I am a pompous and hypocritical ass who is being unduly judgmental.

inquiry on my thoughts about others, using the method Byron Katie wrote about in her book Loving What Is. I just finished A Thousand Names for Joy and it’s brought me back to her way of investigating projections, which I find quite useful.

Imagine being a 60 year old woman, just retired, with grown but still living at home difficult children and a not so great husband, longing to feel useful and important like she used to feel at work.

Imagine being driven and passionate about your field, but also having difficulties your entire life staying organized and efficient (ADHD?), and knowing that your increasing age is making these difficulties more obvious and severe.

Now imagine some (relatively) young whippersnapper, hired to work in an organization that you’ve been part of for over 25 years, an organization that you’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears, without compensation of any kind except for feeling important. This young whippersnapper, not so young really, 38 years old, is shaking things up, and is not dutifully respectful of your seniority and knowledge. She’s on a fast track to success, that whippersnapper is, sure, but you’ve got a few tricks on her yet, experience and talents that she doesn’t seem to recognize. She’s a threat.
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When I imagine that, I can be a little less judgemental, a little less catty about P’s failings, a little more sympathetic to her, and less annoyed by her.

Someday, I may be the one who is obsolete. Someday, I may be the one who has trouble with a younger one’s changes to a tradition, and my own feelings about my usefulness after retirement. I hope that the younger one will take the time to imagine life in my shoes as I am doing now.

Impatience: yes, I unfortunately can be. I try to be patient, I am working on that. I know I can be very anxious at times. I am trying to work on this. Truthfully, I tend to notice more impatience and anxiety in myself than I do in others.

Annoyance: Everyone can be annoying, and I guess that would include myself. I can think of annoying things I do, or have done, but in general, I really don’t think I’m that annoying of a person.

Judgementalism: This one is rather misleading. I mean, really I see people saying they want to be “non-judgemental”, And to me being non-judgemental, means being inactive. I mean let’s examine the concept truthfully, shall we? If a person says, “I was non-judgemental today”. Then that means what exactly? They layed around and vegged out all day? I mean if a person says they were “non-judgemental”, then didn’t they just make a judgement about how they are? Isn’t not wanting to be judgemental, making a judgement, and therefore being judgemental? “I was not judgemental all day!”, oh, really!, well then name one thing you did that didn’t require making a judgement.

Do you think you’re not judgemental? See, you did it again! You made a judgement, you were judgemental.

And you’ve been judging every damn word I’ve typed in this post, and you’re lying through your teeth if you say you haven’t, so there!!!!!

So, why don’t we all just say, “I want to not be so harsh in my judgements”, and “I want to be less prejudice”. Because, really human nature is such that being judgemental, and being prejudice are charachteristics that everybody shares.

I’m reminded of an exhibit I heard about dealing with prejudice, where there were two doors, one to enter if you are prejudice, and another if you aren’t. But the “non-prejudice door” was locked, and no one could enter it. Why? because we are all prejudice!

And even wanting to be less harsh in our judgements, is making a judgement. Now, giving people the benefit of the doubt is fine sometimes. But gut feelings and intuitions should be listened to.

Sometimes being judgemental, even if done so negatively, can serve as a defense mechanism and/or as a means of survival. So there are times when negative judgements really aren’t that bad of a thing. Maybe only seldom, but still enough to sometimes be true.

How am I like this?: I’ve seen pieces of myself in the people I’ve been critical of more so at this point in my life, then I ever have before. But that’s good, it means I’m learning, it means I’m growing, it means I’m maturing. It means I’m a multi-faceted versatile person. So, see I’m being judgemental! But I’m judging myself in a positive way. :-) “How am I like this”, has almost become automatic for me as of late, if I don’t verbalize it, I at least think it.

So, I’m going to do what I set out to do with this, type this up, and mark it as done. Hey, I made another judgement!, how about that!

I had a job interview today. The interview had been set up between the temp agency where I am (obviously) temporarily employed and the regional manager of an apartment complex. The regional manager wanted to interview me for an assistant manager position based solely upon good words she’s heard about me. My agency rep, Laura, said she faxed the regional manager, Melissa, reference letters from the other apartment complexes where I’ve filled in.

Today’s interview was a circus. When I arrived (half an hour early) they knew nothing about me. Melissa said she didn’t have my name on her list of people to interview, but the property manager interviewed me anyway. The property is 80% occupied by Spanish-speaking residents, so the interviewer was particularly interested to know I speak Spanish as none of the other candidates do.

At the conclusion of the interview, I saw the piece of scrap paper upon which the interviewer wrote notes. She wrote three words: my first name, Spanish, and punctual.

When I got home, I called Laura and asked her to explain what happened today. Why was I not expected? What happened to the references she supposedly faxed to Melissa? Why didn’t Melissa interview me? What’s going on here?

She said there was some confusion and that she would call me back in a few minutes. I called Laura again in two hours and left a message. I called Laura again two hours after that and left another message.

Me judges her a liar.

Me judges myself impatient and highly annoyed.

“And how am I like this?”

i put this on my list because of personal (anger) issues i was having a few months ago. i guess that is the ultimate test, when experiencing an extreme emotion, but i feel like i easily and oft recognize my strengths alongside my weaknesses.

i tend to try to say how i am like someone before i criticize them (in most instances). so i think this just really isnt something to strive towards at least in an assertive manner. i have more important things to deal with, i think.