Look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

Today I decided to not sweat to death in the swelting heat with a shrug. Today I decided to try and go outside, meet up with my friend in a short sleeved top and not get paranoid about my arms.

Never had this paranoia before I got ill. Pills, operations and depression changed my body to the point that I did not recognise the person reflecting back at me; working on my health has improved my body but the mind is still stuck in ‘huge’ girl mode and thus, my arms have not felt the sun for six years – how stupid!

It took a lot of umming and ah-ing but eventually i got out the door. Oh yes, the unkind twin appeared, telling me I was nuts, that i did not look right and it was not the thing to do, cover up and cover up now! I told my twin to piss off, after a lot of arguing back and forth and a big moment when I actually stopped and contemplated taking the shrug out my bag (alas, I did carry it with me – the comfort blanket action)and putting it on; but i kept going and after a while I actually stop thinking about my arms. I had a great day,felt fine and the shrug never saw the light of day.

last night that this goal is going to be impossible to achieve because as I stood infront of the mirror, nothing fit right, nothing looked right, I was fault finding. I realised that loosing weight, getting fit, etc helps but I realised that even if I achieved all that I still be unhappy because when I look in the mirror I see with my head (read emotions) and not with my eyes. I have to get right with myself before I achieve being happy with what I see, afterall, there are days I look and I am in love with what I see, so the point is not my body but my mind. What causes me to have a fat day, when I weigh exactly the same as I did the day before.

Hence, I am not giving up on this goal, just have to change my approach.

just recently
i’ve been having better days and realised that i’m not ugly.
without sounding too vain;
i have naturally rosy cheeks and full lips.

HECK ! i’m finally happy !
(:

I was brushing my teeth last night, suddenly it hit me: I have a really beautiful mouth, sensual and perfectly formed lips. I know it sounds like I’m all up myself but I never noticed before, never saw what friends and family have complimented me on for years; but there I stood just looking and realising how little I look at myself. How much I have avoided looking at myself, especially when I got ill and the meds began to alter my body, I at some point just stopped looking.

It was nice. I feel really beautiful, pretty and what was better was I didn’t hear that voice, the one that points out a negative everytime I state a positive.

This has been an odd one. I have always liked my hair just wished it was a little thicker like my siblings. I viewed my hair as something I did what ever I took a fancy to: colour, cut, braid, perm, straighten and loc. Then I got sick, had the chemo, watched it fall out until I took control and had what was left shaved off. I was bald for so long, then they lowered the dose, it began to grow back, just flat against my head, then they changed the meds and lo and behold it is growing back. It has come back thicker, with curls which is weird as it has always been thin, light and straight. It has got some getting used to as the old products and shampoo don’t work. However, I have grown to love this new hair and through this process I have grown to respect my hair and not take it for granted.

I love my eyes. They are beautiful. The are oval, large with dark lashes. I like the way they light up when I laugh or see my children (read as god-children, neices & nephews)and I am grateful that I can see.

...my tanned skin and my new haircut.
I think my new look is very cool!
But I really really need to see my hips reduced more!!

...and a lot of weight to lose.
But great changes have happened.
I’m not ready to put this item in the “I’ve done list” yet, anyway, now, watching the mirror I can see a beautiful woman.
A big, imperfect beautiful woman…
Just need more time ;-)

I like my feet, they are really beautiful and I am thankful for them as they are my foundation.

I am so sick of the way I look and the way I feel. I use to be so pretty and so skinny, but that all changed. I dont know what happened to me, but I was 122lb in a size 5 with a flatt, tight little tummy and I gained 23lb in a year. I thought maybe it was the birth controll because thats the only thing I could think of. My eating habbits and my active lifestyle didnt change. So I stoped taking them and now another year later I am 175lb and I miss feeling beautiful. I miss wearing clothes I like. I hate dreading to go clothes shoping. The probleams I see on the outside are now effecting me on the inside. I feel depressed, I feel unatractive, and I feel alone. I have become bitter… hating others because I hate myself. OH AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE STRECH MARKS!!!

I need to loose this weight! I need to feel like me again.