hurt myself

How I did it: it all started this time last year, everything began to go downhill, i lost the one person i loved, now i can never have her back, then i went through hard times of loosing alot of money, having to move to the city on my own at 19, my family live far away, it just feels like no ones there when i need them, i feel so alone, soo many things have happened, and i really dont want to mention any of them in details, they just being back the memories....but everyday it hurts to be alone, i think about her everyday, im still trying to get over most of the other problems, as time goes by im sure they will get better.But everyday i begin to feel like this...it was getting bad, but then one day when doing the ioning i accendently burnt myself, it stung for quite a while, for days i had this large mark on my arm, every time i was feeling this way and i looked at this mark, it made a slight difference, and thats when the thoughts of hurting myself began, i never thought id ever end up like this.About a week later i gave in, i went downstairs and turned on the ion, left it to warm up, grabbed it by the handle, looked at it...then pressed it as hard as i could on my arm....it burnt alot, it was painful all day, but it took my mind of the horrible feelings i was living with for soo long, some how it worked, i felt better, it was like all them pains were there...visible...on my arm, they seemed to had vanished from my mind and was kept on my arm, it meant i could control them, keep them away from my mind and on my arm.Thats when it all began, from that day on i did the same thing over and over again, about 4 times a day.my arm was a mess, this went on for months, until i realised what i was doing and i needed to stop....but i had no one to talk to.This dreadful feeling of being alone and not being able to explain to someone how i was feeling, this just made it worse, so i did it even more.Eventually a friend of mine at work noticed...i was soo careful to not let people see, but she did.I was ashamed of what i was doing, but yet it was the only way i could cope with these feelings, and yes i carried on doing it.A few weeks later i realised again that i needed to stop this, so i took a week off work to try and sort this problem myself.I tried meditation, i did sports, i even went mountain biking in the forest, which is one of the things i love the most.By the end of the week i had stopped, the marks remained on my arm, and are still there now.I went back to work feeling different, i was refreshed, i felt ready to attempt life again.I was doing really well...until right now, i havnt burnt myself yet, but i found this site, these feelings are coming back, i want to do it again...but on the other hand i dont....the marks are still there on my arm, i need to do it, but im trying to stop myself.I dont no what to do no more, im now begining to worry, if these feelings are coming back now...will they ever go away and stay gone....will i always be doing this, will i always have to burn my self just to live life.No one but my work mate knows about this, but i find out today that shes leaving in a month.Now im not sure what im going to do....atleast i could speak to her every now and then, she knew when i was feeling bad, and knew how to keep my mind of it, but what am i going to do now....i cant just go telling anyone.Im affraid if my boss finds out then il loose my job, but my job is my life, its the only thing that keeps me going....my family have no idea...my friends dont no....i dont want to tell anyone...but i want to stop i really do, but deep down i no its the only way these thoughts will be pulled away from my mind.Please has someone ever been like this.....will it ever go away????

Dec 03, 2008, 02:13PM PST | 2 comments