be less fearful

FEAR…. only in my head but it feels so real.

... I applied to go on the next series of Masterchef, just for kicks and to see what happens.

I made a new friend by enquiring about dogwalking, and then actually went and met up with her rather than chickening out and making excuses. Really glad I did.

I walked through the woods alone- albeit in the daytime, but it was lovely- you so really are in a space where you can’t see anyone around you in London

Last night as I was listening to music and drawing a mandala and trying to settle myself out of a troubled state of mind, alone in a big old house with my loved ones all over some sea or other, the power tripped out completey.

For a little while I was completely frozen with fear and this would normally carry on for some time, but I knew that I was the only one there to deal with the situation and would just have to face my fear of the spooky old house (partic the downstairs) and so I fumbled around and managed to find a candle, lighter and torch (divine luck!) I set off down the stairs in a determined mode, not allowing my fears any time to manifest further, and located and flipped the switch to get the power back on.

Proud of myself :)

I’ve also become more chilled about being in the garden and just getting on with my business with all the wasps that are around at the moment- despite people close to me being stung, I’m not letting it stop me from enjoying the summer garden as it would in the past.

May seem like little things to other people but a big deal in my own personal growth.

... travelling really put me outside of my comfort zone alot. I have to say I was scared on a number of occasions but it didn’t usually stop me from doing things as it has in the past. Some scary things I got on with…

- Kayaking in really deep water- I hate not being able to see what’s beneth me in deep water.
- Spending lots of time in Malarial areas and not getting freaked about it
- Travelling alone by night train in Asia
- Heading out into the bush at night to see glowworms- so amazing!
- Crossing land borders alone in Asia
- Going to Laos- I was nervous of this
- Going up the highest chairlift I’ve ever seen, and back down
- Walking along the riverbank in Vang Vieng at night- I was with the boys so I was safe
- Handling a stallion and boisterous foals
- Riding a quad bike
- Combat rolling under electric fencing to deliver water to young bulls
- Driving a moped at night through the town and jungle in Thailand
- Riding pillion on a moped through the town and jungle in Thailand.
- Scrambling over rocky headlands in Thailand
- Staying in all kinds of gritty hostels
- Taking very long and multiphased intercontinental journeys alone
- Getting stuck in no-mans land at Melbourne airport on my own – no visa, plane gone- but I sorted it out!
- Taking a night ferry between islands in Thailand

I guess alot of these things wouldn’t present anything to fear for aloot of people but I’m not trying to compete here. This is my goal and my fears and I think I’m making really good progress.

Since I’ve been back I’ve been really continuing to put myself out there and do things, not allowing myself to shrink from the world quite so much. I feel like I’ve really grown and become bolder in many ways.

I’m getting a bit better in this respect. But still lots to be done to improve. I think travelling will help with this as it will put me outside of my comfort zone in a big way.

I was wandering round Jerez in southern Spain today, some of the streets were almost entirely empty and a few blokes hanging around which made me nervous- something I should get over to some extent, but healthy amounts of caution will serve me well.

I read a quote from Si’Da yesterday “If the diver thinks always of the shark, he will never lay hand on the pearl.”

I need to build up my confidence when I’m alone. In general I’m becoming less of a wimp but I’m still not fully relaxed in strange environments. This is fairly natural but I’d like to be a bit better at adapting. I guess it’s harder when you are on your own.

Travelling in NZ should be a good way to start- not sure how I’d deal with diving straight into Asia on my own. I think it’s normal for lone women travellers to be cautious and not push their comfort zone too far, it seems sensible. But I must also make effort to meet and trust people and thus get about a bit more.

Tonight for example I could go out in Jerez on my own, but it’s a half hour bus ride and I need to wander through the back car parks of the airport by myself which I don’t massively fancy and I don’t know the city at all well, so could end up in completely the wrong areas very easily.

Am I a wimp or is this normal healthy fear levels? hard to know.

I think I’m doing a really good job with this. A couple of things happened to test the new-found strength I have.

A blackout at my boyfriend’s dad’s big old house, when I was alone in the spooky kitchen cooking. I was confused because it was pitch black, and wierded out because I’d thought my boyfriend was in the next room and suddenly it was just silent. But I kept pretty calm and adjusted really quickly.

Had a long heated conversation ( on their parts) with my boyfriend and his brother and didn’t get distressed or freaked out by it at all. really empowering.

Went to a club in central London on a particularly rowdy night and chatted to all sorts of people I’d normally be afraid to engage with. Was almost entirely unphased by rowdy activity on the dancefloor. felt calm and comfortable and had a really good night, even when seperated from my crew.