I am really enjoying taking back control of my life. the klonopin has made an amazing difference in my ability to cope and have energy to do things I’ve wanted to like organize the clutter that has built up around here for years… I am looking into other ways to control my anxiety naturally so when I get off wellbutrin/klonopin in the spring I will be able to manage this aspect of my life. I think once I have a good ADD doc and am on the right meds for that, or even herbal, (lifestyle too) that will be key.
It’s really amazing how brain chemistry can effect a person’s view of life. Anxiety runs in my family, it’s not due to “the way I choose to be/think” -I’m not saying addressing negative thought patterns doesn’t help, it does and they can be changed/overcome but the tendency and returning is a constant when it is chemical and a real battle, not some simple mind over matter trick some happy-go-lucky people would have you believe. I guess what I’m saying here is that I am angry with those people because they don’t SEE what they are doing to someone with these problems who really struggles…they are pushing that person farther into the black hole, guilt over not being able to do what is so easy and sounds so simple for someone else, further lowering confidence/self-esteem. I think if you know someone who is anxious &/or depressed, the best thing you can do is listen and accept their darkness. Not as your own, but as something they have to walk through at this time, that it is not because they choose to be there.
I have fought depression (and now I know anxiety because I had no knowledge of all the signs, symptoms, & that being the reason I would keep slipping into depression) for years & years & years on my own. Thank God for my husband who understood, never judged and actually wanted me to get on meds ever since we were first married. But I believed I could do it on my own by sheer will, educating myself, reading, exercise (and these things did help) and that meds weren’t the answer. As I got older, I finally reached the point where I pooped out, adrenal burnout, whatever else…more stress… I couldn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore, in fact I didn’t even realize I was on the downhill slide: now I know that loss of interest in things is one of the first signs of falling…but the signs are so subtle! oh so subtle and gradual…until I was agoraphobic, panic attacks (that I didn’t know were panic attacks), no energy at all, retreated 80% of the time to a dark & quiet room to do artwork on the computer (possibly stimming), crying over just having to do laundry or cook or do dishes. When I started seeing things is when I finally went to see a neurologist.
Meds is what has helped me get ME back. meds have helped me again have the energy to want to live and find those things again in my life that bring me joy… I won’t have to be on them always (I hope, it’s different for different people), and the recent research shows the meds actually rewire your brain positively in permanent ways. I was very afraid to get on psychotropic drugs at first, but they were unfounded, I am still me, more me actually.
Now I can think positive, have the energy to follow through with eating right & exercise… and all that other self-help stuff.
But I won’t say these past years in the dark were of no benefit. It was a time of learning a lot about myself, about idealistic goals I placed on myself that were burdensome and really not compatible with my personality and who I AM. The world didn’t fall apart if I wasn’t in doing it all, and how to let go of thinking I had to fix everything and everybody: that it’s OK for my kids to fall themselves, make mistakes… I can’t live their lives for them. And that’s OK, it’s not my responsibility to make sure they do everything right. I just do my part, the best I can is good enough, and let go. I am not God and He might have other plans… The Dark is not evil. There are many things we don’t see & know beyond the surface: When you hear a tragic story on the news like the two children playing in the trunk of a car, couldn’t get out, died this way… you don’t know what was in their minds & hearts when they died, you don’t know that it’s not possible a Creator God wasn’t there soothing them, or that there isn’t a wonderful heaven awaiting, or reincarnation… that there isn’t an unseen/unknown reason that this event should happen this way… I came to accept death. I stopped dwelling on the tragedy of the purpose of life that only ends in death. I accepted the possibility of reincarnation, of all possibilities… but if it is the end then that must be OK too. Because we all must go. To let go of all control is peace. Just accept. Do what you are led to do and it is enough, rejoice in the beauty and magic of little things, believe in the mystery of life again.
the end
no,
the beginning
