Have more self discipline

Critias of Athen:
^{If you will discipline yourself to make your mind self-sufficient you will thereby be least vulnerable to injury from the outside.}

main aim is to be a discipline thinker.. think god 1st than me…

• not before work unless work-related
• not after 9pm, except max. 30 mins between 9pm and 10pm if the computer has been off all day before 9pm.

is about
use time well rather than waste it,
act rather than procratinate,
focus

I am far from being 100% full power on the asskick meter, but at least I can finally see the bar! Each week, I do just a little better than I did the previous. The elf has been mostly reasonable (after a few failed ignitions). The ferret has been thinking outside the box and working more fun into the dull things. Like watching movies while doing the dishes.

The more willpower I take back, the greater the temperature of my…. uh, temper. If I can harness it again, amazing and potentially crazy things can and will happen. I like this and have been missing it terribly.

I recognize veins of self discipline again, they’re faint and minuscule, but they’re definitely there. The goal is coming along rather nicely, I think, although there are good days and then there are the ones where I play sushi no suki and drink beer all night. This week was definitely a success, a few Coronas were downed and a few records broken on mindjolt, but I actually got through a number of paper wads on my desk and the house is smelling quite clean. I’m really working on the punctuality thing, since I loathe other people being late, especially when it’s time-specific thing and people show up an hour late. That’s just disrespectful, you know what I mean? If you don’t know when, then just say that. Losers. That’s why when you go to symphonies and shows they make you stand outside until intermission. Flaky, enraging rudeness.

Working the follow-through also. I’ve decided that part of the problem is that the adult elf in my head likes to chime in when people are offering up time-shacklers and torturous commitments. Then the evil ferret decides that, no, I don’t want to do that and what the hell were you thinking, you stuffy loser? I think a role reversal here would be a fabulous thing. Actually, it would be more of a reversal of the role reversal because I used to be less punchy on committing and a little more hardass in follow through. I can handle that – things work much better this way.

It’s been about three months since I logged on to 43T and it’s interesting looking over my posts. I’ve definitely grown. I beat myself up so much less than I used to and I’m quite happy about that! Continually knocking one’s self down is just not healthy or constructive. Game plans, understanding your individual self and objectivity are SO much better! I’ve definitely made some good strides since the last post.

I no longer obsess about getting up at a certain time. It’s just part of my blood. I do require a more consistent sleep pattern (no more of the 3 hours one night, then a 12 hour yo-yo the next). I’ve been distancing myself even further from people in my life who don’t have enough respect for strength of character. I’ve been doing pretty solid on keeping my house clean, laundry done, etc. I’ve gone from blowing paychecks in 4 days to having some left by the time the next check rolls in. I’ve moderated the alcohol usage pretty well (it wasn’t out-of-control, but it had been escalating a bit). I’m slowly writing more often and I’ve been doing well with the socializing. I finally decided on my next course of action, career-wise and I’m slowly learning more technical skills.

All in all, things are starting to move forward.

This has been a problem for me my whole life. Now that I’m trying to launch my career I really need the self-discipline to get work done. I have critical deadlines fast approaching and I can’t seem to make myself even acknowledge them. This behavior has been ingrained in me for more than 20 years but now it just has to stop. Somehow.

I’m a horrible student.
This is unfortunate, because (1) I love being a student, and (2) I don’t really have any other option at the moment.

I’m so frustrated with myself, I could just puke.

More on this later.

I have a few more things to look forward to, and that always helps me to have something tangible that I’m working for. I’ve also been having more success in dealing with stray thoughts. I figure this is like running. I hate it at first because I can’t do it without burning and failing. After a while, it gets easier to get somewhere and I start to enjoy it. Getting up in the morning is much easier now and I’m slowly finding it easier to get up on days I don’t have to. The house hasn’t gotten too destroyed in the past couple weeks. I’m working on finishing projects that have been plaguing me for some time. I still have a very long way to go, but I’m getting there.

I need figure out a way to gauge my success in achieving this goal. It’s a rather vague mission, which I will know when I’ve accomplished it, but I want to create milestones. Knowing I’m getting somewhere always helps me keep things going.

I still have to pick my battles, but it’s starting to become less of a fight to get things done. I’m slowly bringing back unlikeable, but necessary, things back into my life. I wouldn’t say it’s becoming easier, just familiar and the habits are starting form. It’s nice to not feel like I’m a total and complete loser. Just a partial one. ; )