let myself be loved

I’m ticking this off as something I’ve done – learn to let myself be cared about. :)

Slowly, but surely, I am coming to embrace the fact that I deserve to have all these amazing people in my life, and that I deserve thier love.

i hate to sound all emo over here, complaining about my lack of love and such but whatever what is the internet for other than to sit on here and cast out my own little boat of dreams to see if someone can either return it or give me advice? As for my current lot in life it seems that i cannot set aside my sarcasm for one minute in order to have or hell to even try to have a relationship.-One is currently in the works but sadly i must report its going slow and it doesnt look like its ever going to happen.
We fight alot, which more or less to me shows that atleast we both arent afraid to voice our opionions. I dont know its very confusing and even though we both like each other alot i still push him away when he wants to show me phyiscal affection. (by this i mean holding hands and such.) Can you please tell me why i do this? It annoys him and well all i can do it laugh. Lol and the most horrible bit of this sad tale is that this has been going on for years!

Ugh. i dont know, i just want…hell i dont even know what i want these days.

help.

If I stop paying attention for even a moment all of my defense mechanisms effortlessly kick in and everyone is pushed hundreds of yards away. How incredibly frustrating.

That sounds odd, doesn’t it? How does one close up so much that they won’t even allow themselves to be loved by another? It happens. Humans are complex beings and the bulk of our emotions are never fully understood by the self that contains them. We are all a beautiful, imperfect chaos.

The past ten years of my life have been a dark comedy. The errors have re-written my personality, re-defined my attitude and in essence, created a very saddened and closed person.

Hopefully I will no longer have to park in the emotionally handicapped spot when the dance of love comes back to play again.

i really struggle with this. me no likey.