make a list of 43 reasons why you DON'T want to be my boyfriend

To be honest when I first saw this goal I thought what a depressing thing to do. Why would I want to beat myself up like that. But after reading other peoples list and thinking about it for a bit I realized it truly is a liberating thing to do because it puts it all out there. Maybe its just me but I often hide all these things either because I’m not so proud of them or I worry that he will not a prove so I don’t act that way or do certain things. But this list puts it all out there and says this is me take it or leave it. After I finish this list I”m going to share it with him and get his thoughts. Somethings I know he is well aware of but others I don’t really think so.

1.I’m vegetarian

2.If there is any discussion you will notice how much I AM A VEGETARIAN and how much my views differ from yours

3.If you forget to do anything you did at the beginning of our relationship, I will notice and I will tell you I noticed

4.I have troubles accepting that ANYBODY might love me so you can be as loving as you please, but I won’t believe you

5.I’m jealous
I will not be happy about any women near you
exceptions:
-they’re gay
-they’re married and got 5 kids
-they some sort of relative
-they work with you
-they don’t have any kind of humor
-they don’t talk to you in a charming way

6.I will NEVER forget about anniversaries, ever.

7.I will notice that you forgot the anniversary and be upset, but I won’t tell you unless you notice that I’m upset

8.I’m even more upset if you don’t notice that I’m upset

9.I suck at conversation unless you are my best friend but…

10…I’m upset if you suck at conversation

11.I will insist on paying the bill from time to time

12.I will tell you that I don’t want you to drive after you drank one glass of beer…in front of your friends

13.I will tell you what I don’t like in bed just for the sake of better sex

14.There’s nothing you can give to me that can replace time, NOTHING

15.I’m hairy

16.I’m tall

17.I got small boobs

18.Neither do I want to marry nor have kids for the next ten years. Still I will know how our children would be called and what a dress I’d wear.

19.You have to behave exactly like you got my moral, which means not being rude, not being offensive, not being racist…a lot of things

20.If you don’t know the word “vacation” I’m not going to be very happy

21.I’m sort of anti-television…you need to find something else to entertain me…

22.If you’re not able to stay in bed for a weekend that’s a nogo.

23.I can be lazy sometimes

24.I need to have a good present on my birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day and our Anniversary and at least one per year without expecting it

25.You need to be a little jealous…if you are’t I will take that as a sign for your not existing love

26.But you’re not allowed to clinge to me

27.Though I love swimming you will very probably never see me in a bikini

28.No light.

29.If you’re not near to me I need to know you’re missing me.

30.If you’re near to me it must feel like you’re near to me.

31.I don’t like sports. If you start talking about it my mind goes like “Oh nooooo….”

32.I’m not a morning person

33.I will never do your laundry and everything that makes me feel like your housewive unless you do the same for me

34.I’m very likely not to hear what I don’t want to hear.

35.You will find me reading books which are about as entertaining as bread, just because I’m intrested in something rather difficult and if you don’t read books I’m like “We’re so NOT in sync.”

36.There’s a constant pro and con(pro and cons just for you) list going on in my mind. I don’t want to have it but I just can’t stop it. The list is endless so I can remember what you did Tuesday 5 months ago, even if you already forgot it.

37.I do almost everything you ask me to so I expect you to do the same for me

38.If you do anything I don’t appreciate, I will do exactly the same to you(only if it isn’t against my principals) and be upset if you don’t bother

39.You will very probably see me very drunk once or twice a year

40.My family will force me to force you to come over and say hi

41.Because of countless family birthday parties

42.I will not appreciate it if you got multiple random hobbies, friends and jobs…unless it has little influence on our relationship.

43.I show you how much I love you

33.) I wake up in the morning and my breath could melt holes in concrete walls.

34.) I like comic books, (but only a few of them.) No, really, I’m this old and I still like Cerebus and Love and Rockets)

35.) I save shoelaces.. Just because, you know, they might be useful someday.

36.) I own a Latin Flashcard set, and I WILL bust it out for fun and hijinks.

37.) I’m a literary snob, and I’ll get real uppity, (and probably slightly self-righteous, if not a little condemning) if you haven’t read; Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, Heller’s Catch-22, Coupland in general or anything by Paul Theroux, etc. etc.

38.) My memory SUCKS and I’m a flake. This is annoying to significant others, be it woman OR man.

39.) Yeah, I would definitely be a top. I just caught myself saying, “Get your cute little butt in here so I can smack your ass!” Come on, who puts up with this stuff?

40.) I like to act on my creative flashes, meaning we could be in the middle of some romantic-as-hell sexin’ and all that and I’ll stop suddenly and go, `Oh SNAP! That major fifth would work PERFECTLY in there!’

41.) I not only read fark.com, I’m a regular contributor, with several front-page headlines under my belt. Enough said.

42.) My musical tastes range in the extreme and generally very odd and strange. Ex-record store clerks have had problems keeping up.

and finally.. the 43’rd reason you do not want to be my boyfriend…

43.) Did I mention that I was heterosexual?

24.) I will not share my hair-goop with you.

25.) I don’t like men who smell like cologne. I like female perfume much better.

26.) If you were my boyfriend and I took you home to meet the parents, I would never hear the end of it; “See Steve? I TOLD you he was gay, back in 1987.” and that would drive me batty.

27.) My tendency to expound upon Adam Sandler pee-pee and poo-poo jokes ranges far to the extreme. (I.e. they… never… stop.)

28.) Provided the `Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy is still in-effect in the .mil, if I ever get reactivated, filling out the emergency contact paperwork will be awkward at best.

29.) I hog all the blankets.

30.) I will make up a rock-opera about you, on the spot, usually involving unix admins, zombies and/or pointy-haired-bosses. You may find it hard to differentiate or identify where you fit into the mix. Especially if you resemble a fat, bald, pointy-haired-unix-admin.

31.) I don’t really find men attractive at all, so in order for the sex to work, you’d have to REALLY work at it. In a very dark room. Again, a strained sex life does not a good relationship make.

32.) Did I mention that I hog all the blankets?

19.) I can be a dirty, dirty pig. (This would grate on a potential boyfriend.)

20.) I can honestly say that I don’t like anything in my butt.

21.) I am a fascist when it comes to my kitchen. No entry, no touchee, no admittance, ESPECIALLY when I’m in the process of cooking and as long as you follow the rules, the tasty morsels of goodness will continue to flow from my oven into your mouth.

22.) I will eat your food, and I will not be subtle about it. Example: You will come home to find me mowing down on your leftover Steak au Poivre and after becoming enraged, you will yell; `Hey, that was MINE!’, I will leap over the couch and scream, `Not any goddamn more! You’d best go git yo self some mac-n-cheese!!’

23.) Your parents will hate me, almost guaranteed.

1.) I’m not gay. That’s pretty much the killer right there, but let’s follow this through to it’s logical end, shall we?

2.) I won’t share my cigs with you.

3.) I have a real problem with men and being competitive, and that would not a good relationship, make.

4.) I’m hairy.

5.) When I fart, I loudly exclaim, `POOT! HAHA!’

6.) I’m arrogant.

7.) I’d probably be `a top’, but I still wouldn’t be comfortable being gay.

8.) In addition to #7 up there, I’m fanatically OCD about what I wear, which is some decidedly non-top behavior.

9.) I can be quite emotional, (again, conflicting with #7 above.)

10.) If I was ever having sex, I’d have to fight the urge to say, “Dude! Check it out! We’re like totally having sex! Is that freaky or what!”

11.) I smoke. A lot.

12.) I’m a whiskey-drinker.

13.) My credit sucks mule-ass.

14.) I have an annoying tendency to pick out people’s flaws, focus on it, exploit them during arguments and I’m pretty good at it.

15.) I sit down to pee sometimes, (see #7 up there.)

16.) I’d be sitting with you in a bar, and invaribly after a few whiskeys point out some cute chick’s ass and go, “Hey, isn’t that a great ass?” and you’ll take offense.

17.) I wouldn’t be able to hold hands with you in public without thinking of my time in Korea, where the men all held hands.

18.) I’m not a girl and not good at being a girl.

24. I’m way nerdy. So don’t bother with me unless your up for a long dicussion on social engenering or psychology

25. I over react to many things

26. My hands get sweaty. ewww

27. I’m a really bad driver, ride at your own risk

28. If I don’t want to talk to you, I won’t anwser when you call.

29. I have a bad habit of playing mind games.

11. I’m selfconcious

12. When I joke around, Im kind of mean

13. I don’t return calls

14. You must get along with, or atleast pretend to like, my dad

15. I hate surprises. so don’t surprise me with a gift, take me shopping

16. I’ll make fun of you if you do or say something lame

17. I stress over everything

18. I complain a lot

19. I’ll text you and other my other guy friends at 3am

20. I’m a night person and I want to talk to you until the early morning hours

21. You must be nice to my dog, even if you hate animals

22. Keep your pants on.

23. I expect you to realize high school relationships won’t last.

1. I’m kind of private and I have a lot of secrets

2. Somedays I don’t feel like shaving my legs

3. I’m expensive

4. I get bored really fast

5. You must be intelligent.

6. I’ll text while you’re talking to me

7. You’ll have to repeat yourself A LOT.

8. You have to have good hygenie and be a reasonable weight

9. I don’t want to hear the bullshit lines (I’ll give you the world…or the stars? don’t do it)

10. Somedays, I don’t want to talk to you or anyone else. and I get angry a lot, sometimes for no reason.

40. Im very private. I dont like being topless and or clothesless unless im by myself, a few exceptions. I check to see if my frindge is alright every 0.7 seconds on the back of my phone.

41. I quote shows like ‘The Mighty Boosh’ all the time. I can easy get turned off people. I wear a t-shirt that says ‘LICK MY LEGS’ in public a lot.