Let Jesus take the wheel

Lets just say that I have a hard time remembering that I can’t control everything that happens in my life & that I just need to trust in God and not worry myself with everything all the time causing so much overwhelming stress. I always feel like such a fool when I finally realize that I have let the Devil get to me yet again, & just need to remember that God is in control. So here’s to all of us remembering! =) – feather

I’m getting better at accepting that it’s not about me, and that I have no control. My way has not fully worked out. Partially because something inside me tells me to STOP and not keep going. IS it the devil, or God?

I’m going to try to follow my cloud, like the Israelites. I think I’m going to venture and try to see if God is calling me anywhere. I can’t waste my life. Not sure about my purpose here but helping other people is one of the things I think God wants, and other people seem to NEED me to move on, so maybe I should do this for them. If I can’t find a reason to for ME to be, then I’ll BE for others that need me, right?

Why don’t I fully trust God? I’m so afraid that if I do, he will take away from me so many things that make me happy or give me peace, and place me somewhere where I’ll be so unhappy, unfulfilled and frustrated, working twice as hard – and I’m already exhausted. I know I have no proof of this but it’s kind of that mentality that says… if you give it all to God he’ll take all the fun away and make you a missionary and a martyr. There’s nothing wrong about being a missionary, except I don’t think I have what it takes; I rather help people in a different way.

Fun was often a luxury in my house growing up. I ALWAYS had to work on something… and then when I was finished – I never really finished because I was so slow – then I could go out and play. I remember this girlfriend of mine would do her homework so fast after school and then would go out and play. I would see her playing ball in front of her house and I remember being so jealous. Me, play on a weekday, a school day? Never!!! I remember my dad coming back from work after 6pm and he would find me glued to my desk still doing homework. I remember this one time I was in bed with my parents, and my mom was still helping me memorize all the names of body parts for a test next day. My bed time was 9pm and it was about that time and my eyes were closing and she was still trying to feed me information. I was so tired. Next day, I aced the test, like every other test I took, but I remember always feeling like these were test to pass life! I always had so much anxiety and anticipation ‘cause I knew it was so important to do well. Eventually, the principal suggested that I would skip a grade because I was so “smart”. I did skip a grade and I ended up graduating high school as the youngest girl in my class.

Maybe I think God is just as demanding, and that fun is something to be earned… a luxury. Something that’s not supposed to happen and if you do have it you better pay for it with sweat. As a child, I only got to go out when I had vacations with my parents. I used to look forward to them so much that I couldn’t sleep the night before a trip and would even throw up from nervousness. As an adult, I always feel SO GUILTY of taking the time to do something fun. It feels like if something bad happens it’s because I neglected doing the important stuff – like working. And since I’m always late, or take forever doing things, I never seem to really find some time off. Otherwise, the world can come crashing down on me.

I know that Jesus has a day of rest, that He said His load was light, that He came to give us rest, but I don’t think that is rest from work. Reading the bible makes me feel lazy and unwise. Like I’m working hard for all the wrong reasons. Like being happy is not really important, only being godly is.

I wish things were different and that I had a different understanding, maybe I could then let Him take the wheel.

From Lamentations 3
Hope in the Lord’s Faithfulness

4 He has made my skin and flesh grow old.
     He has broken my bones.
5 He has... surrounded me
     with anguish and distress.
6 He has buried me in a dark place...
7...He has bound me in heavy chains.
8 And though I cry and shout,
     he has shut out my prayers.
9... he has made my road crooked.

11 He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
     leaving me helpless and devastated.

13 He shot his arrows
     deep into my heart.

15 He has filled me with bitterness
     and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

16 ...He has rolled me in the dust.

17 Peace has been stripped away,
     and I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
     Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness
     is bitter beyond words.[a]

20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.

21 Yet I still dare to hope
     when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
     His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
     his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
     therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
     to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
     for salvation from the Lord.

27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age
     to the yoke of his discipline:

28 Let them sit alone in silence
     beneath the Lord’s demands.
29 Let them lie face down in the dust,
     for there may be hope at last.
30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
     and accept the insults of their enemies.

31 For no one is abandoned
     by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
     because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
33 For he does not enjoy hurting people
     or causing them sorrow.
39 ...why should we, mere humans, complain
     when we are punished for our sins?

40 Instead, let us test and examine our ways.
     Let us turn back to the Lord.
41 Let us lift our hearts and hands
     to God in heaven and say,
42 “We have sinned and rebelled,
     and you have not forgiven us.

49 My tears flow endlessly;
     they will not stop
50 until the Lord looks down
     from heaven and sees.
51 My heart is breaking...

54 The water rose over my head,
     and I cried out, “This is the end!”

55 But I called on your name, Lord,
     from deep within the pit.
56 You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!
     Hear my cry for help!”
57 Yes, you came when I called;
     you told me, “Do not fear.”

58 Lord, you are my lawyer! Plead my case!
     For you have redeemed my life.