figure out what I want I want to do with my life

Again. Yes, I know, shut up.

Now:
- Help mom (household, moneystuff).
- Work my ass off for money (priority list: paying (bills n stuff); saving for school and future; spending).
- Learn to cook.
- Read.
4 years:
- Live in Utrecht. (Work parttime.)
- Study art (minors (if possible): film, animation, application, digital stuff(?), photography / journalism or something with writing and/or documentary…ism, researching etc.).
- Extra Curricular Activities (join the student association (whatever it’s called), help with info days, organize stuff etc.).
- Use the school’s faculties and facilities(dance, contortion, acting, music, ...)
Then:
- Travel & LIVE!! YIAOWW!! (surfcamp in Australia perhaps? O:d)
- work, to save up a tiny little bit
After that:
- Live back at home (if I’m not married yet)
- Work, if I find the time
- Study CMD (& CMV if the minor-plan for art didn’t work)
Finally:
- Celebrate being somewhere between 28 and 30.
- Find an awesome job

It seeeeems like an awesome plan…
Problematic insecurities:
- Will I get accepted to art school?
- How much money do I need for this plan???
- Will I have enough money? 12 months ago

I have to say… I just can’t choose between the three.

CMV just has such a broad, awesome job prospect. When it comes to studying for an actual job, thát would lead me in the best direction for my tastes and interests. CMD is everything I’ve wanted to learn about web design and computer stuff. It would also make my inner nerd very happy and grateful. And Art… well, art is just… It’s my calling. My creative brain just belongs there.

The things that I have to take into account are distance, difficulty (the time investment involved), money and age.

CMD and CMV are basically right around the corner (but in different buildings). Art is in Utrecht, cause I just have my heart set on HKU. CMD is in Utrecht too, in Hogeschool Utrecht, but both CMD and Art take a lot of commitment. CMV however, is just like high school (at least in the first year). Which means, pretty easy for me. It also comes in part time, but I don’t want that. I want the ‘full’ experience. ;p And I don’t have any experience, regarding CMV, so it would just be better to do it full time.

I learned, that when you do two studies at the same time, you only have to pay for one. I don’t know if this arrangement is only for your first study; when the government pays it for you or at any time.
When I go to study in Utrecht, I’ll probably want to live in Utrecht while I study there. Or I’d have to pay for the train every time (unless the ‘free public transport for students’ still goes after a diploma). So I’d have to pay for all the train tickets, rent, food and other stuff I’ll have to pay for when I live on my own ánd the art supplies. Plus my mom wont let me live on my own (yet, at least). But I should figure out the stuff about two studies at once and the public transport before I can figure out what would be more expensive.

All studies take four years. There was a way to do CMD in three years with some sort of an accelerated program, I think I’ll try to get into that.
If I’d do them all one by one, I would be 31 (at the very least) when I finished. Not exactly old or anything, but for CMV I just have some idea of at least starting when I’m in my 20s. I don’t want to be some ‘old person’ among teens, you know? I mean, I live by “you’re as old as you feel”, but I’m scared that’ll fade when I grow older.
How old were you when you started studying?

And finally, I also want to travel. I can do some traveling in Holland and in the neighboring countries while I study. In weekends and in vacations and see some faraway countries in my final years.

So, till I figure out the money stuff (and after that too, probably), I think my plan will be this:
- CMV and CMD simultaneously for the first two years.
- Then pause CMV for a year; do my final year of CMD abroad. – Continue CMV and work hard during my third year (save money).
- Final year of CMV in another country.
- Then I’ll do Art and work part time.
- Final year abroad of course.
That would be 9 years in total, three of which in another country. It’s going to be hard work and I’ll have to juggle with the classes and with my time, but it’ll be worth it. ;D

A while ago, I wrote something, somewhere on here: if you can’t choose; then don’t. So I have to say… no. No, I wont choose. 13 months ago

I just actually said the sentence ‘be still my heart’...

I realize I want to be an artist. Or actually that I am an artist. I already knew it for years, but I only just realized it. I really want to study Fine Arts, it’s what my heart really goes out to. It will have to wait though, because I’m still going with plan 1.

Why?
CMD is close to home and not as intensive as Art. That means I will have a lot more time through the three or four years of the study. I will use it to create an amazing portfolio. I will learn al lot of the things I’ve wanted to learn. And I will live, travel, change and save money for Art school.

Why else?
Call me an idiot, but my mother’s happiness is related to my actions. She does not want me to live on my own and thinks CMD is the best choice, with most job opportunities.
And call me an even bigger idiot, but I don’t want to end up being someone saying ‘Mom told me to ^{do this or that}. She was right and I wish I had listened to her!’.

One and a half years ago I wouldn’t have cared and done whatever I wanted. Especially move out to another city. But things have changed meanwhile.

Gwah, how I would love to just follow my heart. But it will be okay. Right? 14 months ago

Stage 1: work
I need to work my stupid ass off to pay for my second study. No way I’m going to beg for a loan. I don’t want to borrow money.

Stage 2: choose a bachelor study
CMD / CSE / Art
Only CSE is available part time.

Stage 3: choose again
another bachelor / master / travel / work

Plan 1
- CMD with minors related to art, CSE and jouralism.
- Art
- Travel or work+part time CSE

Plan 2
- Art
- CMD
- work (+part time CSE, maybe)

Plan 3
- Art
- Travel or work (+CSE) 14 months ago

Yeah right. Those stupid, discriminating, regressive, narcissistic, self centered, gold digging assholes can kiss my young, dynamic ass. I hate the new government.

And if they would meet me, they would love that their bullying is effective. Other than that, they would probably hate my very being: my personal beliefs, my alternative look, my background, the fact that I love art and culture, and that I want to be a longtime learner…

They’ve cut into the art and culture budget. They cut back on school funds. And now I am breaking my head over what to study even more. They are forcing me to choose between CMD, CSE and Art. I cán’t choose! I simply can’t.

They had 10 years to finish their study! Paradox: it didn’t work, so they (the ones who got to profit from it, who are now leading this country) are changing it.

For a few hours, I even got thrilled about the idea of doing two studies at once. Not a lot of people do it and it’s though, especially if the studies don’t complement each other. But hey! I get to prove my worth and if I get to do two out of three studies I want, why not, right?! :D

Well, because I was very excited to experience the joy of studying. If all I’ll be doing is working my ass off to get some points, then; no thanks, I’ll pass.

I will find a way though. I will make this work. 14 months ago

As I found out just today, if I want to do another study after finishing the first one, I need to pay up big time. This made me reconsider.

1 study + traveling = ¿future?
work now = 2 studies later?

Maybe CMD first, then earning some money and then Art…?

Fine Art? I do fit right in with those awesome people I met today. And art, creating, creativity, the fun, the possibilities… It’s just shouting my name!

Fashion Design? I love designing and ‘exploding’ clothes and experimental stuff, but in the end, I don’t think I really have a passion for fashion. More like a craving for culture…

Cultural & Social Education? I started brainstorming over what would enable me to do everything I love: art, hanging with young, fresh, creative minds, sports, fun, keep learning and experiencing things for myself, helping people etc. etc. I came up with a youth center and for that, CSE is the way to go.

Communication & Multimedia Design? I ám a computerfreak, so would CMD fuel my addiction or counter it? I’ve always wanted to learn all those things and it’s great, fun and (at least for me) easy money. 14 months ago

those are the things I really want to do. Most of the things I want are personal development or attainable through courses. :)

So after doing some searching, I found some studies. I’m still very intrigued by journalism and art, and Circus Performance Art still lures me as well. And if I had the balls I’d just leave everything and travel, live.

But there are two studies I will do. They enable me to give back to the world and do to things I love. One is called Cultural and Social Education (for the youth center, organizing things etc.).

And for the other one I am still doubting. It’s going to be either Communication & Multimedia Design (webdesign, apps, layout etc. the whole deal) or (Business) Communication (a combination of CMD and Journalism). 15 months ago

I want to write. I want to have my own site(s). I want to have fun creating things (books, pieces of art, handicrafts). I want to do fashion (designing and making clothes/bags/shoes/accessories/jewelry) I want to keep improving myself. I want to eat healthy foods and enjoy the things I make. I want to keep moving in ways I enjoy.

Journalism. Webdesign. Art. Fashion. Philosophy/Psychology. Dietitian/nutritionist. Pro contortionist/freerunner/skateboarder/dancer.

I want to travel the world. I want to be a mom. I want to be a good Muslim. I want to have a my own youth center/production house.

I want to learn to give massages. I want to know where pressure points are. I want to know how to make and use natural medicines and remedies.

I want to know how to play the harp, the guitar and the keyboard. I want to learn to sing, scream and grunt loudly. I want to learn to read music. I want to have a shitload of music of all kinds.

I want to improve the world. I want to make people happy.

I want to end up being remembered as honest, kind, happy, cheerful, never arrogant or angry, always seeing the best in others, generous, fun, funny, a good mom, friend, sister and daughter, someone that made something out of her life, strong, healthy on the outside, gorgeous on the inside, versatile, always there for another, smart (or wise), determined, straight forward, knowing what she wanted and getting what she needed. 15 months ago

but I still have ideas.
I might do the youth center thing anyway, but of course there’s room for a whole lot more in life!

There are a few important things I have decided upon though.

This year (now that I’m done with high school), I will not go to school yet. Instead I will be working, learning music and doing sports.

I want to travel the world. Whether anyone will come with me, we’ll see that when the time is there. I’m planning to apply for world citizenship and then go slow checking out the world. I’ll be busy the next few years though, so I don’t need that anytime soon. I will be going by car (or motorcycle) and because of the busy-ness, I’ll start with weekends all over my very own country. And after that, I’ll go see the neighbors.

I will do several studies, since I really can’t choose. I’m still figuring out my favorites. After that, I’ll have to choose which one I’m going to start with and whether or not I will be studying abroad or not (it will depend on the study).

I just have to figure out how I’m going to do it with the money and stuff. And I just pray to God that if, and when, I meet someone, that kids wont get in the way. 17 months ago

I’ve decided I really do want my own youth center! I’m just gonna go for it. :D
If I change my mind on the go, so be it. :) 2 years ago

I guess my real dreams, what I would really like to do, are just too big. I would really like to have my own magazine/E-zine and a youth center and an awesome lower- and highschool.
Now that I write it down though, I realize I don’t need those schools. I just need to get in contact with them and have them link students to me.
See, the thing I want, is to work with kids that are now about my age. I want to help them, but more over; have fun with them and give them a great place to hang out.
I would like to do that for free for the kids n stuff and then just earn through the site/E-zine, freelance journalism and a career as a pro skater/contortionist/freerunner.
Yes, that would really make my world.
At least, that’s what I would like in the future -now. Who knows what I’ll want in a while? 2 years ago

Okay. I’ve already done so many career tests and things and whatnot, I’ve thought about it, thought again and then again. I’m not getting anywhere!
There are so many things I like. So many things I want to do…

A few years ago I wanted to become a psychologist, but my level wasn’t high enough.
Then I wanted to be a writer, but the chances of becoming a successful writer aren’t big…
So I changed it to journalism. Last year I was really into it, it was all I wanted to be, but then I lost interest. Now I’m starting to get back into it a little, but more for magazines or for a site or something.

This school year (started about 15 August) I’ve already changed so many times!

We went on a school trip to Barcelona and I had a chat with the bus driver when we were there. Just random smalltalk. We got to the subject of jobs. He talked about his job. Touring car driver or whatever the official name was. That sounded great too. Meeting a lot of people, not necessarily celebs or anything, but just people, traveling and a lot of privileges because you’re the driver (like a free stay at the hotel and other great deals).
But I realized I still get lost in my own back yard. And even though there are GPS systems now and you get used to the routes and everything, it’s still hard. Also I’d be away all the time, not leaving a lot of time for relaxing and hanging with friends. And even though I love traveling, I love my city, Amsterdam, too!

There was this thing… Media Entertainment Management. That sounded great, really perfect! But I don’t have economics in the subjects I chose, cause I suck at it.

I’ve always enjoyed the thought of organizing things too (festivals, parties, whatever), but I never get the chance to and for that I need economics and another subject that I don’t have either.

At this point it’s pretty much a fact that I want to do something with the media and/or entertainment, that’s pretty obvious from my previous considerations.

A while ago I joined a band. I’m not saying we’re gonna get big or that I considered that being my future job, (I wasn’t that far off yet then), but it would be awesome if we did break though. :)

Now, since I’m really into contortion and practicing, in the back of my head I’m even considering joining the circus! I mean, the fantasy is cool you know. Traveling, preforming, entertaining, simply just doing what I like and getting paid for it too!
But I gotta be realistic. The chances of me becoming good enough to join the circus aren’t that great. Besides, having your hobby as your job might ruin contortion as a hobby for me.

I’ve thought about so many jobs. I considered webdesigning too, cause I love working with computers and internet, but webdesigning just isn’t right for me.

I love traveling, entertainment, media and I am definitely not going to settle for something I do not enjoy doing. Sure, I know the perfect job probably doesn’t exist and of course I’m willing to give up some things, but not to the point that my study or job is changing me (into something I’m not). 3 years ago

One thing is for sure: I want to reach my goals.
But that’s not really an answer to this goal. 3 years ago