stop feeling worthless

Bang, Bang, Bang! my head against the door. I’m so *ing stupid. Why can’t I get it right? Everyone else seems to glide through, but for me it’s intensely hard? Jeez, I’m partnered, have 3 kids, mortgage, cars…. what the * is going on! I feel like shit! I fucking hate myself. Why the fuck aren’t I good enough to feel good?
Got tats…by shitty fuckwitts that can’t do it. check.
in love. check. got a shit job. check. pretty much like everyone. check. can I have a check now? Hmmm…. no check!
Sense of humour. Check. Still feling totally crap. check. 37. shit, check. why the hell am I still here? Check…......

I want to try a new goal first

I don’t know what makes me think I am worthless but thats how I feel

Ok, so I’m not gorgeous. I may not be the “most” at anything (although I haven’t tried everything). I am just as worthwhile as anyone else on the planet. I know this because an unworthwhile person will not have any redeeming qualities, which I do. In addition, we are all just a bunch of parasites, feeding off the earth and each other until we die, which is at most a mere 120 years after we are born. We all age the same, and die the same. The accomplishments that one makes on earth only count here, God views us all the same way. So, God loves us all the same. Are you worthwhile of what? Love? Attention? Life itself? I don’t know if any of us are worth the kind of beauty and horror that there is on this earth. But I do know that each person who strives to make the world better, and who doesn’t burden others, who helps others and puts their needs ahead of their own is worthwhile of knowing and of other people’s respect. I am not going through anything original, and my time here is short. We should all feel worthless sometimes. But now I don’t think I’m any less or any more than others.

I think I could be starting to conquer this. People at work seem to geniunely like me. I went to a party the other night and people told my friend who brought me that I was “hot and fun”. The fat girl there gave me many hugs, which I enjoyed. I make people laugh pretty easily. Maybe that is where I have some worth at? Also, my mom and my boyfriend seem to need me and want to have me around. If I do have worth, what is it based on?
In addition, I am going to try to enter the Chili Cookoff at work. I think that would help me get over my fear of participation because I might lose. In a chili cookoff, even losing is delicious!

I got a raise at work a few weeks ago. Yesterday, one boss said I was “invaluable”, while another said that my job, which is somewhat menial, is a “waste of your talents”. Obviously the people at my job have noticed my hard work, and I feel needed there.
I am working on my appearence, making some new friends, and figuring out what is really important to me, not what I have been told is important.

Well, he thought the letter was another way for me to say I wanted out of the relationship, but it was really the truth and I screamed at him until I think he got some of that. I tried to think of things about me that I consider rare or useful in a person. I came up with:
1)I can speed read, and comprehend whatever I read very well and very quickly.
2)My mind is analytical and I can see connections between related things easily.
3)People open up to me all the time. They love talking to me and they say the feedback I give is really helpful.
4)I have a sharp toungue and can put people in their place cleverly, which avoids longer fights.
5)I can hang with the guys without any weirdness, they like having a chick that understands them around.
6)I have the ability to let insults roll of my back, and betray no pain (this is both a good and bad thing though).
7)Children over 3 and animals love me because I am playful and let them do things their parents said no to (but nothing that could hurt them).
8)I remember what I need to…I have a decent memory for things that need done so I rarely feel “lost”.
9)I have integrity, and never suck up to a superior to get ahead. I am as honest and natural as possible with them.
10)I understand what beauty is and see it in the purest forms (lines, colors, symmetry).
11)I would do and have done insane things to help the people that I care about…literally given shelter, food, clothing to them.

So I wrote him a letter that explained that my expectations are too high and that’s why Im never satisfied, and that I feel worthless which causes a lot of my paranoia and trust issues. If I believed that I was worthwhile of love I would believe him when he tells me he only wants me, and that he’s not interested in leaving me for another girl or at all. He hasn’t cheated and tells me everyday how special I am to him, how beautiful, etc. If I start trusting what he tells me again and gain a bit of confidence in myself and my appearence, I know our relationship would greatly improve.
To accomplish that I am trying to get my body up to MY standards (he says he thinks I look really good and would love me even if I was got super fat, but he’s proud of my efforts to improve). I am also looking into trying some new hobbies and entering some competitions…maybe with a few skills and wins under my belt I will feel like I can accomplish something more than going to work and paying bills. In addition, I go to church and try to remember that God loves all of us, and that we are all imperfect beings with different strengths and weaknesses.

I don’t take encouragement well. When someone tells me I have done a good job, I say “It was nothing”, or “thanks.” I feel like I’m just doing my job by doing everything I can, nothing special. When someone tells me I am inately smart, beautiful, talented, etc. like my boyfriend often does, I usually make a sarcastic remark that basically says whatever was said was untrue. Sometimes I get directly angry with him for saying nice things. They sound like lies, and I think he is lying to me so he can get something from me. Pretty crazy huh? I just don’t feel like I have any good qualities whatsoever…I just wanted to be the best, to be special, at SOMETHING. But I’m not, I’m just plain, and ordinary. Last night I sat there and thought about how the drama in my life wasn’t anything that other people hadn’t gone through, or worse…yet up until recently it seemed like it was this huge thing that I was going through completely alone. I mean, how selfish could I be to think my problems were unique, or worse than everyone elses? Then I got to thinking that being the “best” or the “most” isn’t necessarily important at all. I mean there have been talented people around, changing the world, since the beginning…the “best”- models, actors, inventors, thinkers, scientists, etc. The world looks up to them and is in awe of their “good qualities”. But there will or has always been someone smarter, prettier, more creative, more talented…you simply can’t be THE best, you can be one of the best. Still, why is it so important for me to not feel ordinary? Why do I have to feel special, higher, more important than others? What do I hope to gain from being the best or “perfect”? Is it really that I am trying to impress others? I think a lot of my problem is my being a Libra- the ability to see uniqueness and outstanding beauty, to treasure it, to yearn for it, and to feel shitty when others are so much better and more beautiful than you are. I wish I was gorgeous. I read stories where the women are described as “breathtaking”. I have seen physical beauty literally bring a man to his knees, to move mountains, to shine like the sunrise. I guess I want to have that affect on things, and to look in the mirror and see the perfect symmetry of beauty. To recognize beauty and greatness, to yearn for them, to know you cannot attain it-is torture. It is especially bad that I feel like my boyfriend will leave me for someone more attractive. He is an artist and I know he sees beauty like I do, in a person’s features, in all its perfection. Yet he also looks beyond that, and encompasses people as a whole- I do not. He does not expect perfection or perfect beauty from me, yet I believe he sees my lack of it and would rather have someone better. I feel like I am not worth his love, or anyone’s who is a talented, interesting, person such as he is. I belong with someone as mediocre as I am, so I don’t have to feel jealous, or like I have to impress him. That’s really what I feel like. It is exhausting!!

I think I’m at my lowest point now where I feel hopeless. My credit is bad. I don’t have a stable job. Both my parents are laid off of work. My dad is an alcoholic. I have no friends to talk to. My boyfriend constantly insults me and puts me down where I cry every weekend. I’ve gained so much weight becaue I resort to comfort food. I feel like it is almost impossible to get back on track. It just seems that no matter what I do…everything seems to get worst. I want to stop feeling worthless, but I feel like I’m against all odds.