stop hating myself

I’m different, and I’ve always been given a hard time for it. I’ve gotten into a pattern of self loathing because of the treatment I have received over the years. I try to suppress who I really am to please others, and that just doesn’t work for me anymore… this is a definite must on my list…..

This is the diametric opposite of my other goal, really. I have an omnicidal streak probably because I hate myself more thn anyone else I know. I don’t feel helpless, I just don’t feel I’m worth helping most of the time.

...through High School Musical 3 and a room full of pre-teens.

...right now I’m in a job that I like, am good at, but am not sure I “fit” the mold for what is expected philosophically or socially in. These things keep me wondering (especially at this time of the year) if I will be employed following the summer, which I can’t afford to not be.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do enjoy working where I do most of the time, the thing is that there is no job security and I get the feeling that if I have a differing opinion (or voice it) I could be let go at any time.

The boss man and boss lady both recognize all of the good that I do, but in the same breath are quick to criticize my flaws. I’m very aware that I am not perfect, have a less filtered personality, and can be moody at times, but I am starting to doubt (paranoia, perhaps) if they will change their minds from my presence being tolerated as a necessary annoyance to me just plain not being worth hanging on to.

It’s a little tense, and though I am nearly certain that all will work out in the end, I hate living on the edge of a sword during the months of May and June.

Maybe I should change. Maybe I can’t change. Maybe I need to push the law school issue full throttle. I’ve bounced around enough in this career path to make me think it may not be the right place for me.

Where, oh where is the rich debutante that falls madly in love with me and is willing to fully fund our “perfect life?”

...is that the reason I can’t be happy no matter what, who, or how I’m doing is that I am not at peace with who I am, how I look, what I do, and where I’m going.

I think I’ve known for a while that I can’t stand this body I’m living in. I hate it. I hate the way I look in the mirror I hate going shopping. I don’t take care of myself, I don’t want to do anything. I know I’m not depressed I just feel like I’m in this funk and I can’t get out. I’ve never been in a relationship and I want to try but I know I can’t love someone else until I love me and I want to love me but I’m struggling with how to do that. But I’m going to try.

As you can see, my ‘stop hating myself’ goal is below my goal to write assignment for one of my study courses. It’s not like it was more important, maybe ‘urgent’, but I just don’t think I can do something quickly about ‘hating myself’ one.

everynight i think it’s gonne be a better day tomorrow,but it never is.i just wanne be happy.i just wanne wake up and feel good about who and what i am. i dont wanne be rich or famous or watever…i just wanne be happy and not hate this person i am. i hate hating myself but i feel this self loathing cover me like a blanket. anyone out there feels the same??

Pra eu parar de me odiar eu preciso ser feliz. Então serão dois objetivos q eu vou atingir. ^.

This self hatred is the crux of everything I do.I thought it would get better in time.If I became more enlightened,more peaceful but I can’t because I hate myself so much.I’m not worth it.