turn 40 gracefully

Today really has been amazing day. I never thought I would enter my 40s this way and this first day was filled with plenty of soothing, lovely, pleasant surprises.

Instead of starting it in a frenzy of worry and anxiety, I woke up feeling refreshed, being awoken by the market’s opening bell. I lingered in a bed for a few minutes to just give thanks to God and asking Him to bless my day, but to bless the people whom I would come in contact with.

I would describe the day, but I’m tired. It’s been a long, but good day. Praise God and bless you all.

There is this 18 yr old kid asking me questions. He said I looked like I was 28 and he found it hard to believe I was going to be 40 shortly. That’s basically now several people in person and online who thought I was younger than 30 in the past week plus.

But, then later, he kept calling me a senior, which made me feel way, way old. I’ve never been called a senior unless it was like a senior level engineer.

He said his English wasn’t so good and didn’t know the right word to use. I said “Senior” wasn’t the right word. Maybe adults might be better, but legally, he’s also an adult.

This really wasn’t me turning 40 gracefully. When is it one is considered a senior? I think I feel the moody blues coming on.

I was 20 yrs old. That seems like only yesterday, but it was 2 decades ago. I’ve been out of high school for nearly 22 yrs. Wow. I was looking at my yearbook pics. My face, though it is not slim, has slimmed from when I was in my teens.

Couldn’t pull out pics of when I was a teenager, as those were in the closet and too hard to take out. I still have a few things of when I was in high school, and I can fit into them. Amazing, eh?

But, my body has changed. When I was younger, my bodyfat was higher than it is now. Those were my pre-exercise addiction days.

I like how I look now much better than when I was 16, 18, or even 20. Now, if I could tell 20 yr old Doris some things and if she would drop the pride to listen . . .

Well, 40 yr old Doris is much more humbled by life, so hopefully 60 yr old Doris will look super great because she will have employed over 20 yrs of really good health, mind, soul habits.

Not sure why I’m counting this down, but this will be my last Saturday in my 30s.

My last Friday in my 30s was spent doing yoga, relaxing, enjoying my children, celebrating my relationship with Christ, taking captive my thoughts, working on my trading, being present and being aware, no fear. There was peace.

Yes, I will be counting down each day.

The past couple hrs, I’ve been listening to 80s and other music, reminescing (sp?). There are moments that I want to go back in, but knowing what I know now, not sure. The only way I can go back in time, is to allow unhealthy things to be stuck there.

No point in that, right?

I will be turning 40 in less than 2 weeks, on March the 13th. No longer will I refer to my birthday as 2 days before the Ides of March, rather is is 8 days before Spring. It’s the birth of a fresh new season, which is ME!!!

Last night at the hockey game with Scott and his friends, whom I serious thought were older than they were (didn’t tell them that), but I figure they were younger than me. They were.

A couple of them thought I was 29-30. BLESS them. I could see them staring hard at my face to see signs of aging of what “40” looks like and honestly, my skin looked just as good as theirs, if not better. Guess healthy eating and all that water I drink sure pays off, despite the hellish stress I’ve gone through this year.

I cannot imagine if I was to my bodyfat goals that I wouldn’t look even younger. I’m happy that I’m not all that tan and that my genetics perhaps allows me to look younger. Well, you all have seen me here on 43 a lot, and you may not think I look that young. Believe me, it’s not going to hurt you to just say I look young. It makes me feel good, just don’t sandbag it.

I’m really not all that sensitive about my age yet, but often for my birthdays, I resist them to some degree. Last year, 39, was simply one of the worst birthdays I had. This year Hannalee is planning a surprise birthday party for me with her aunts and uncles. No, it won’t be a surprise, but that’s fine.

Scott yesterday looked at me as I pointed out to one of his female friends and classmates (he’s in the master’s program for social work) that Scott kidded me about my age periodically.

He looks at me and says “You look great, for your age.”

I sort of stared at him inquisitively, smiled and was using this as a teaching opportunity and said, “Thank you, but you it would’ve been an even nicer compliment had you just stopped at ‘You look great.’ because the last part sounds like a backhanded compliment.”

He looks at me and his friend a bit clueless, and she had to point out in a fairly aggressive manner that the compliment could be perceived as negative. Of course, then for a part of the rest of the evening, the topic of age kept coming up and some somewhat heated discussions ensued.

Just looking back at the past, often on my birthday, I can have a case of the blues. But, this year, no matter what, I aim to have just a great time, love my children for doing this for me, as well as my family. Love Tiffany for hosting this party for me, and though it won’t be very big and a very economically simple one, it’ll be just great.

Though I’m not where I want to be physiquewise, I’m okay with that and still think I look hot, gorgeous, sexy, and beautiful. There is no need to go back to relive the youth and party hardy, because that’s not me, but an intimate party of my friends and family would be nice.

And now I am proud to say I am 40. Because I think I am doing damn well for myself….....

I just wanna get shitfaced and pass out in the gutter somewhere. Just kidding. No, I think a more suitable goal would be to “celebrate turning 40.” So that’s what I’m switching this one to.

I am already there. My birthday was in August and came and went without any fanfare. I am not feeling good about things or good about myself or where I’m at in life. I know when I was in my late 20s (having a premature mid-life crisis – or I guess an identity crisis) and simultaneously identified a lot of essential things about myself and destroyed my existing life to my continual regret, I learned so much. I hope I can figure out a way to make some changes without the same destructive force as the last time. Oh, are we really going to go through all that again? hmmm. I think this is an issue of negative attitudes. I should take some time and reflect on the things I’ve learned, how I’ve grown, and focus on the positive things… And also look forward a bit. What are my goals for the next 10 years and beyond?

I know for sure this handsome little man will be at the center of it all! if this little monkey isn’t worth maximizing your potential, I don’t know what is.

Had a party with my friends, a picnic with my kids and their/our friends. Got awesome birthday wishes from my fabulous 43thing friends. Shaved my head! Dyed my hair pink, again. And am looking forward to the rest of my 40s.

Well, my 40th has come and gone. I was a bit anxious leading up to the day but wonderfully relaxed on the day. It did pass uneventfully. I rode my motorcycle around town and drooled over a new BMW.