be good to myself

Seeing as I work on a freelance basis, I don’t get paid holidays during the year. With my colleagues in the Cape Town office bugging me to visit them, and Willow now living and working there too, I’ve decided to treat myself to a little “working holiday”. The great thing about my job is that I can basically work from anywhere in the country, so this week in September I’ll be visiting some really good friends while also enjoying some time in the city and hopefully on the beach…

My mom was kind of upset when I told her about this – she thinks I’m wasting money. I think that, for my own sanity, it would also be good not always to take my mom’s complaints to heart…

I have been choking my words backand not really imporvig the quality of my life. To be good to myself I believe that I want to share who I am- my thoughts, my feelings and to really contribute to life. So here goes. Some work on speaking up at work, at home, when I’m doing the bills etc

Yesterday remembered that it does not make sense to wait to live fully until I am thinner/prettier/smarter/richer/more talented/self-realized. How can I finally get where I want to be with any of those things if I am not living like it can be real? In holding back from others, etc. until I am where I want to be, the energy to make it all happen is also restrained.

I was having a green bagel today for st. patty’s day and realizing that I still feel guilty when I eat. I feel embarrassed and guilty that I am hungry and that I eat, moreso around other people. I don’t tell just anyone that I’m hungry. Only if I know they accept me. I hate when people see me eat, even if it is something healthy. Makes me feel like a fat pig and like I am always hungry.

Enough of this. I can’t lose weight unless I start eating about 6 small meals or snacks a day, so I am going to see if I can get more comfortable with this.

I was on my first team of the More to Life weekend in London and experienced major shifts in my sens eof self. A long, hard weekend, but worth every moment. Some good freinds made and it feels like a shinier life on the way.

I found a book that’s really helped me to make a breakthrough. To be more precise I have been working on this lots and for a long time, so this is the last stone and doesn’t reveal the major building project underway. So during this last horrid week I was able to accept that I am doing my very best and that life simply is as it is. THat my expectations of what life should be like doesn’t make it any more real than me beieving that a diet of chocolate, soda and hamburgers etc shouldn’t make you fat. So I haven’t been beating myslef up about life and have just been more peaceful. Still anxious at moments, but better able to let go and just be!

Sometimes I want to just delete myself. You know painessly and quickly. To just disappear and for everything to not matter. Imagine the peace.The nothingness. I guess I’m just tired of being stuck right now. A passing feeling. And in spite of the things I’m doing to be kinder to myself I’m not feeling better. I guess there really is only one option for me right now- keep trying.

This seems to be one of the hardest goals I’ve chosen. I’ve decided to get to the root of the issue and hae been spending time trying to achieve balance and self-understanding. You know,why do I allow others to take first place in my life?

I know now that it’s really a fear that I need to do things to meet people’s expectations so that they don’t leave me. I don’t want that anymore.

On the sunnier side, I’ve been asserting my right to do the things I like in my relationship. I refuse to let my desires come second.
So I’m cooking the things i Like more, doing yoga and meditation and have stopped running. I hated it! I’m going to dance instead. Now that’s being good to myself.

I’ve dedicated this week to accepting that I’m home for another few weeks and that’s okay. That it doesn’t make me stupid, incompetent or boring. It’s okay for me to just be with myself, doing some courses and thinking about who I am and what I want. Judgement suspended. Just some time trying to understand why I’m being so hard on myself.

I am afraid that people don’t want to know the real me. Like finding out, will make them realise that I’m not as special as they think. So I often hide behind the things I read about, the things I read or know, my energy, my sometimes pretend joy….. to be that person they’ll want to be around or to admire.

So birthday pressure’s are intense. All eyes on me. In my mind waiting, watching. And there’s all this pressure to perform, to deliver the Big Bang everyone is waiting for.

So in honour of this goal I chose differently this year. I went away with a few friends to the mountains. It was quiet, it was understated.

Now I know that escape isn’t the solution. I should be able to be “me” at home with crowds around me. But this week I applaud myself for taking the first step and lifting the lid on this pressure-cooker & in the process experience something really special.

I was just me. The people with me were okay with that. They enjoyed being with me. And it was good.