be closer to my mum

Last night, Mum and I watched ‘The Dark Knight’ at the cinema. It blew me away and by the looks of it, it blew her away too. It’s the first time I ever watched a movie with my mother. I’m grateful she spared a few hours to spend valuable mother-and-daughter time with me. This probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to others but it is to me.

I miss my mother. She’s never around. She’s too preoccupied with work. She dreams big and she’s doing everything humanly possible to ensure she achieves this dream of hers. She works as an architect, she’s currently President of the Korea-Australia Building Association, she’s studying her Masters at Sydney University, she is trying to become an WorkCover accredited trainer…she’s applying to become a Justice of Peace and on top of all that, she is a mother. Well, a part-time mother.

I understand she’s also doing all this in order to support the family and improve our financial situation, but I honestly believe she’s overdoing it. She’s rarely home and when she is, she hops on the computer or she has her head in a book. She’s so unbelievably busy… She has no idea how much I miss her. My sister does too, albeit not as much as I. My younger sister has become accustomed to my mother’s absence and sometimes, I detest my mum because she’s not there for Caroline just like how she wasn’t there for me during my crucial childhood years. My mum thinks we’re close but I think otherwise. She barely knows me, what’s worse is that she doesn’t try to get to know me. Then again, who could blame her? She barely has time to sleep, let alone eat properly.

She doesn’t know what’s happening in my life, she doesn’t know how sad I’m feeling, she doesn’t know how lonely I am, how much I need her and crave her attention. She tells me that she loves me but those are just words. What does it mean? ‘I love you’. What could it mean? There are no actions to back up those three words. She loves her dream and deep down, I know she loves her family but sometimes I wonder which one is of a higher priority to her.

I desperately wish she and I were closer. When will she ever find time for her family if not now? Lost time cannot be recovered. I don’t want my sister and I to grow up and reflect on our childhood, thinking, ‘Where was mum?’...

my mum and I don’t have a great relationship … because of my father … :(

But I have a problem saying it to her, or even admitting it to myself. I will try to stop rejecting her. Because it’s pretentious, and I know I love her very much inside.

This is a joke. She wants us to be closer but whenever I try and gradually be more myself around her she hates it and we end up arguing because she won’t listen and be reasonable. She misinterprets everything I say as a put down to her, and so then when I try and explain why what I said wasn’t a put down that somehow leads onto her thinking I am further insulting her because she’s already too worked up and on the defensive (which she denies and gets more worked up if you say “mum there is no need to raise your voice and get defensive, this is not an argument”).

I prefer to be honest and straight talking and she pretends she likes that (because she thinks she is) but actually only likes it when the straight talking is positive, or criticising someone other than herself.

I give up. I’m sure we’ll be civil but we’ll never be genuinely close because we are too different, which is sad because I have tried.

my mum has recently just started crying for no reason. dad says that she thinks we dont love her anymore. i dont know what to say to her, i dont want her to see me cry too, cos she is really upsetting me! i cant handle it anymore, im in a very important year at school at the moment and i really need to do well, am i selfish if i dont want her to get me down??? please help me…i dont know what to do, im desperate :(

My whole life I havnt been close to my mum. Since I was six, we had soo many problems with my brother, for example him going to foster care, therefore my parents didn’t really have much time to worry about me. As the years went by, my mum and I drifted apart more and more. I can admit, last year when my dad cheated on my mum and left her my mum was depressed, and I was always there for her and she relied on me heaps. We became closer and talked a lot more. Then after my dad moving back in this year, we drifted apart again. My dad and mum always gang up on me and they side against me. My dad always yells at me even if im write. My mum is the type of person who likes conflict, and she will pick any fight she can, so everyday we have a massive fight. Somedays I try and avoid fighting and I don’t say anything wrong, but then she finds something small or brings up something about the past to fight about! I hate it! I want a normal relationship. There have been so many times ive wanted to slap her, and almost everyday I think about what would happen I I stab her, and everytime I cut up watermelon I think about stabbing her! Although I could never bring myself to do it, I want help. i don’t want to have so much hatred against someone I live with and face everyday!

i went shopping with her, brought her some flowers, went on holiday with her, brought her a mug, am nicer to her, am going to help write her a cv.

althought i still need to keep it up, so im going to continue this one for a month, that way its built into my life, then i can complete it.

feels amazing. :)