be less of a bitch to my mom/ be more patient with her.

Thought it’d be a good idea, since we obviously still have a lot to work on. Starting next week.

Tonight we actually didn’t even really talk about us… we talked mostly about my Dad, and death, and his attitude towards it. My dad’s morbidness and ruminations on death have been bothering me lately more and more, especially in the longterm context of me being afraid of his dying when I was really young. I think the part that upsets me and makes me angry is that I know if something were to happen (heart attack, sudden late stage cancer discovered, etc.) I feel like he’d sort of just give up pretty quickly and say c’est la vie, (or c’est le mort as the case may be…) He would never actually resign himself to living in a nursing home, or from a hospital bed for months or years, he’d just die first. And part of me feels that unfair, that he should want to live for me, to see my children and what I do with my life… and that his 6 older children got more time with him, and 3 of them got to have him be a grandfather… but his parents died in their 70’s, and he’s 74 now, so who knows. Anyway, we talked about all this, and I began to cry pretty immediately and worked my way through a good wad of tissues. Then I went and had dinner with mom and talked about a lot more upsetting things including but not limited to my perfect older siblings and the fact that my life is one long string of rejection after rejection, disappointment after disappointment and failure after failure. I’m sorry to say it but I’m really pretty depressed right now.

has been really productive (i don’t want to say “good”... that would be untrue) the last 2 weeks. unfortunately can’t go for another 3 weeks cause of various constraints, but i’m feeling like this will be a good thing to do…

getting a recommendation from therapist. at leasr i’m willing to do the work.