stop being so insecure

its hard to see clearly and you need outsiders to help you understand. i am a young mother i have a four month old baby and i could let myself go on being unhappy but everyday i feel as if i need to fix myself in order to be a good strong woman for my baby girl. she deserves it shes so beautiful and i want her to have a better role model than who i am now so that she can enter the world and stay perfect and pure like she is. i want her to have both her parents in her life because we are pretty great people individually and he is a great father but i don’t know if i can continue being in a relationship where i cry at least every other day. today is the day i made a decision in my heart and its the end of either me and him or me and my demons.

i am feeling very insecure and it wasn’t always like this. i use to be the strongest girl i knew.i travelled alone and lived to the music ofmy making.i was lovely. i would have married me.

in the beginning i knew he was still hung on his ex and lied a few times about silly sms’s and emails. i kept thinking its normal because i have been there in my life and i cn help him and that with time he would see how much i loved him and love me like. i said to my sisters, “Look he yells a lot and has his defaults but he would never lie. and i have such faith in him.” i use to look at him and see such a perfect guy so beautiful. my mouth would be open and my eyes would glow looking at how sweet and kind he was albeit rough around the edges. i had this faith in him and this immunity to tears and insecurity because my faith in him was so strong.

when i became pregnant i was happy;he was the one i wanted and have sine the moment i saw him. he didn’t know i was pregnant but almost at the same time he started treating me badly taking me for granted taking things out on me. yelling at me physically bullying me and doing some shady things. i thought uh oh this isn’t a good sign but i wanted to have his baby. but i also said that if we didn’t want to take this step then lets act now. he wanted to have the baby and was actually happy but when we would fight it was never a little fight. i was emotional at the time and i know i was extra emotional beause i was pregnant.he didn’t seem to understand this and would assert himself and react to me by throwing me out of the house or mockingmy religion or insult my parents and i would get in such a panic that i would be on the floor calming myself in the third person and he would call me crazy and then i would feel crazy. i became what he said i was. if he said i was ugly i became ugly and if he said i was crazy i became crazy. i was and still am not in my country and i don’t speak in my own language with him and i am alone so he can take advantage. and he did. he didn’t take care of me or my emotions during this time and its because he is young but man, he made me feel so small and so ugly and so alone.

my family cameto visit when i was five months pregnant and i wanted them to love him but i couldn't stop crying when he would embarass me or yell or smoke hash in front of my mother when i asked him please out of respect please just not this weekend. i told my sister okay look he is not perfect and i am emotional because i am pregnant and yeah sometimes its not the best but he would never lie to me. it was the thing i held on to and it kept me sane.

after they left i woke up one night and he wasn’t there; we had just gotten the internet so i walked to the computer room and called him to bed. he hid something and came to bed; the next morning i went to see what it was he was doing. i can’t tell you what it felt like to see my belly getting bigger with the child of someone you love and all of a sudden you feel like so stupid. i found that all night he was emailing girl after girl on those facebook myspace type sites writing very sexual and provocative things. i just shook. my heart was on the floor. he had about six profiles and had been doing this throughout the entire time i was with him saying he was single and actively trying to go out with girls.

it took all of me to stay calm outside when i asked about it thinking always someone can take the chance to be honest, but he lied so well. i asked again and he lied and said “i don’t know what you are talking about.” as if i was crazy. since then I can’t feel secure. the one thing i thought made him good was gone too.

porno was okay before that point but after it wasnt when i would come home from work nine months preganant and he didnt turn over to greet me he just downloaded naked pic after pic i told him i wasnt ok with it anyore;

i have becomeajealous insecure person waiting for the next foot to fall and i try everyday to be a strong person but i am a horrible person

when i look at my girl i see myself and i see him and i love him i know this but i cn’t say i love you anymore; i am angry inside especially because i am alone in this place; my friends and family are far so he is my only friend and sometimes i hate him; i resent him and i have no faith no faith; i check his mail i check his phone i even…god i am so ashamed…i even got jealous this week because he was paying attention to my girl friend. it is not just that he was paying attention its that he took very opportunity to belittle me and insult me in public before i met up with her for the weekend and then twice in front of her and a third time within earshot and yet he could laugh with her and talk to her and so sweetly and passionately; it was like i wan’t there. and i know she is more his physical type so to all of us be in our bathing suits i just thought yeah look at how happy he is with her; at the end of the day i just stopped talk ing because i felt so small. i tried to fight with myself and say be strong you love your friend and you love him and you need to be happy but the last thing he did just plays back in my head; i was standing a few feet away looking waiting for him to talk to me and he doesn’t see me at all he calls her name like hes singing and askes her to talk to him by the fire. five minutes later when he sees me walk by he asks me to join but like an after thought. he stays out there a long time and for me now its like i feel i am going crazy and this is a time when i am really fragile/ i just had a baby and i need someone to make me feel like they love me. he says he loves me everyday but instead of that why can’t i feel it; i feel so embarassed because i feel like everyone can see how hateful i am. he says i am jealous and said “what? you want me to treat you like you’re the only girl in the world.”

i lash out and he says “i am not talking to you anymore youre crazy this conversation is over” but i still want to talk and he provokes me and when i am in tears he mocks me. i then hit him.

i cried so much last night that i was sick all day today and am sick still tonight.

i am not an ugly girl. i am pretty and i was during the whole preganancy. people think my daughter is my little sister andthat i am 19. i am educated and yet i feel like i am nothing. that everyone is better then me and i can not see the silver lining. today i am on this webste because i cant go on anymore; i want to separate with my man because i am so unhappy so hateful i want to hurt him i want to go out and hurt him and i realize that i am looking for a way out because i am in pain and he mocks me when i try to talk to him so i feel i have no where to go but away: buti am here beause i have a baby girl who is so beautiful and before she realizes that mommy and daddy are real shits to each other and really bad people i need to either leave and try to be a good mother or stay and try to be a good wife and person and mother. i need to put this out there.

so i’ve figured out that the more weight that i lose, the less insecure i feel. it helps motivate me to lose more weight, as well as try new things. i used to be kind of adventurous, but now i’m willing to try and do anything. i even went skinny dipping a couple of times last week- and yes, i was the first one in the water! pretty shocking for me if i may say so myself! well, hopefully i can do something just as crazy and out of character this week…

Last night was amazing. Even though I was getting another “speech”, it felt great. I don’t know why I just don’t get it. He told me how amazing I am and how amazing I look. He told me how he loves me, but needs time to himself as well. I just don’t get it. He told me when he goes out with the guys, that’s strictly what it is….guys, he doesn’t talk to other girls, nor do the other guys. He doesn’t want anyone else, but me. I know they said you should go with your gut….but my gut says there is something wrong with my feelings not his. I heard the best marriages happen and work out because both people involved have some of there own life and then their amazing time together, but he has his own life….I don’t know how to have mine. No matter what he says, I still have the insecure uneasy feeling when he does anything without me….I wonder if it will ever go away?!

I am very insecure. I get influenced from the strangest of people, but inside I think they are perfect.
It’s quite creepy. I’ve been confident for short term times off and on for awhile now.
It feels great, and I hope I can bring it into my life permanently.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, but might as well try.
Wish me luck, I will stay up to date on this entry.

...but confident. I’m a good person on the inside. I’m a beautiful person on the outside.

The reason for why someone else might not think so is not because I’m wrong, but because I just might not be their cup of tea. And that’s okay! It’s all about personal taste and for me, it’s no longer about whether I’m ‘good enough’ or not. It’s about whether or not someone else sees in me what I already see in myself. And if they don’t, they’ll see it in someone else and I’ll move along. I mean, I don’t need EVERYONE to like me. There are a few select people who count a lot, but they just like or love me already.

No matter how hard I try not to lie, it seems as though I just can’t help myself. Today I lied to my boyfriend about not knowing he had some girl go over to his house and sleep in his bed. I know that he didn’t do anything with her (he slept with the door open and his roomie and I are great friends, so they kept a watchful eye and told me all about it), then a few days later showed up with her in his car after dumping me off at his brother’s house (Yes, I know that’s a problem as well, but hey, one step at a time). I freaked out, however I still kept a calm persona, as well as letting him bring her home. Apparently he had been bringing her home for his friend who lives across the street from the house.

While he was gone I did something very unlike me. I went across the street to the friend’s house while my bf was gone. I talked with him for a while and asked his opinion and insight on whether or not I was being cheated on. The neighbor said no, of course, they’re friends after all… but I still believe him. Well, tonight everyone was in the mood to let the cat out of the bag. I was ratted on. The neighbor told my bf all about the conversation and now I don’t know whether we are still together.

I never used to be so “stalkerish”. At least thats what it appears to be to me. I don’t want to continue being like this either. I’m losing the love of my life, the apple of my eye, and it seems as though I can’t help it unless I beg for some outside help. PLEASE HELP ME! I don’t just want to change for him, the main reason I would like to change for is myself. I think that it will make me a better person, and less intrusive (and of course, paranoid).

I am so insecure and people admire me for being so confident and aggressive. I have a great fiance, but I can’t stop snooping! I caught him a couple months back talking to his ex (who was 1/2 the reason we were on and off before our current 2 year relationship. The other 1/2 reason was because I had a boyfriend.)...and ever since then I am constantly worried that he still talks to her! I called her the other day from my cell phone and she has called me TWICE since.

I know what I did and am doing is wrong, but I can’t find the confidence in myself to stay strong. I was already insecure before he got busted (I found a message from her wishing him a good day and that he could “cum” over if he wanted)...and now it’s even worse.

I think deep in my heart I know I am being played but I’m not sure if it’s my insecurity or if it’s truth. Besides this incident, he has been my rock…what keeps me centered…

too damn bad I can’t center myself on my own.

Somebody wrote about moving to another city, well I have done that to get married but I have nobody else in this city, to top it all off I am totally different than anybody around me because of the way I chose to dress, I am a Muslim woman who wears a headscarf so if my weight isnt enough to make people stare at me (I am 240) then the scarf just makes me a four ring circus. Since December I have lost over 60 lbs and I am still losing weight. My husband encourages me and always compliments me and I am certian he is in love with me but I still feel really insecure when he isnt around me. I am now out of town for 2 weeks and he told me that he offered a ride to a lady who he knew from work of course I was happy he told me but I also communicated to him that it hurt my feelings and its not proper.

I know that in our society men don’t just do things freely for women but my husband was unaware of that. Of course the lady took it the wrong way and tried to sit with my husband at a resteraunt tonight. He also mentioned that she is very thin.. which really upsets me and makes me insecure. The feeling is almost overwhelming but I pray that God will give me strength to overcome these demons in my head.

After I prayed I realized that I can be happy in the now, and with who I am now. God made no mistakes when he created mankind and he made no mistakes with me, I accept his perfect gifts to me and I hope I can eventually learn to accept my self. If I wait till I am skinny to be happy then I will have alot of depression before I get happy and I will then have to overcome that too, and who knows perhaps I will die before I reach my goal weight, thats not to say I won’t try to lose the weight but I am not going to live in yesterday or tomorrow I am going to live in now, and since I have gotten this far I can only continue to go further,

What doesnt kill me makes me stronger has always been my motto. I hope that my words may help somebody . God doesnt create mistakes by the way every single thing has a purpose, wether or not we can recognize it is another story.

I’m 31 years old and I feel like I’m watching my life pass by. I’m very indecisive and I latch onto others all the time to help me get through things. My boyfriend is very responsible, level headed, level emotionally, and just stable. I, on the other hand, get depressed, have a lot of anxiety, and even though I’m fun and free sometimes, other times I’m an emotional mess. I start to think, “who wants to deal with that?” I figure it’s always a matter of time before people figure out how unstable and crazy I am and leave me. I’m about to move to a new city just for him and I’m afraid that’ll be the nail in the coffin. He’ll figure out he doesn’t like me as much as he thought he did and I’ll have given everything up to end up in a new place with no real career and no friends. I’m anxious and I feel like I’m about to ruin a great thing.

You know when you’re told something that really matters to you? Then you come to find that all those things you were told were lies and didn’t mean a thing. How bad it hurts after is almost, I repeat almost unbearable. But those lies they stay with you, the ones that told you that you were beautiful, that they cared about you, that they changed and could never hurt you again. All of those lies I’ve been told not just once but many time not all by the same person but different people too. How is a person not supose to be insecure if they have been lied to and cheated on in previous relationships. How am I not supose to wonder what I did wrong all those times before… Yeah your friends tell you that it wasnt you but no matter how many times you’re told it wasnt you, you know it had to be something to do with you… Didnt it?
I want to be able to trust myself that I wont make the same mistakes twice but some how I seem to find myself in that spot stuck wondering if its different… If I’m different… If they’re different… I am an insecure person I need to be told how you feel or else I dont know if its real. But if its real arent you supose to feel it? Arent you supose to just know it?