What I set out to do with this goal. It is a relief. I feel like I have a more even relationship with all of them now. I can’t say that I’ve solved the problems – rather, I think (a) I am aware of problem areas now and (b) I am aware of the fact that I can set boundaries and limit contact if there are problems. I have accepted that perceptions that I grew up with were wrong and that I have to look at things a little differently now. I think I’ve reached a good point with this. Yay me! 3 years ago
We met my stepsister in Nags Head, which is about an hour and 15 minutes (or so) from where my mom lives. So, we had that time plus the trip home to talk. It is the first time in a very, very long time that we’ve had personal, alone time together for conversation. It was wonderful and gave me insight into her current situation and why she hasn’t taken bigger steps to change it. I think it was good for both of us to talk, in fact I know that it was. I think I understand some things a bit better now. 3 years ago
That I could take a big step toward getting along better with my stepfather. I suspect that if I were to ask him to show me how to do something (like make a picture frame), it would go a long way toward easing our relationship. Maybe he just needs to be needed – or at least, maybe that’s some of the problem. Hmmm… 4 years ago
Come out or are revealed eventually. My stepfather continues to make crude “jokes” about my mother – her size, her cooking, and so forth. Maybe he means them to actually be funny, but they aren’t really, especially since he really hasn’t been treating her well lately. I wish she’d stand up for herself; she was so strong and independent when she was a single mother. The more I see of my stepfather as an “outsider” (no longer living with him) the less I like, I’m afraid. 4 years ago
Should be a chance to see if I can actually set the boundaries I need to. I suspect I’ll have a need to set them; I’m pretty sure that I’m annoying my stepfather by my decision that we’ll be staying with my husband’s parents. I hope that he won’t cause a scene; well, he probably won’t do that – it is more likely that he’ll get me alone and say something cutting. That’s his modus operandi.
I’ve got to do something. I really am getting to the point that I dread holidays and other family events. 4 years ago
They go and … well, they do the same things they’ve been doing for a while now. Sigh. I swear I’m speaking a foreign language. Also, my mother and stepfather are apparently not-so-subtle manipulators. They are trying the guilt trip on me at a time when I’m under tremendous stress. I don’t get it at all. I don’t play these games. I don’t operate this way. I didn’t realize what my mother was doing in our phone conversation yesterday until today – that is how much I don’t play these games. I’d like to think she wasn’t trying to manipulate me to get what she and my stepfather wanted without regard for my health, but considering other events I’d have to say she probably was.
I’ll put it this way: she and my stepfather planned a confrontation with my stepmother and my father AT MY HOUSE when I was 9 months pregnant. They planned to do it right under my nose as I prepared to bring my daughter into this world. Sigh. We actually had to kick them out of our house.
I love my mother. Really. I think the influence in these situations is my stepfather; he is a control freak. Well, it doesn’t really matter the source. I am having enough difficulties in my life without “help” from my family. 4 years ago
And it is going well. My mother and stepfather came up and so far everything is going very well. Boundaries are respected, there has been no complaining about the various things that have been complained about in the past. They seem to have come to terms with the fact that our living situation has changed now that we have a second child. It is a relief to have a good, pleasant, non-stressful visit. I hope this continues.
Now, my father is still crossing boundaries he shouldn’t. He called today and made several inappropriate comments that I just let slide past. I’m going to have to address that before long. Sigh. At least this conversation didn’t have me worrying all afternoon; it wasn’t THAT bad this time. 4 years ago
Apparently not. We just went “home” to the area that my mom and stepdad and my husband’s parents/family live. We had a great visit overall, but I kept waiting for my stepfather to say something cutting. I kept worrying about the confrontation that is bound to result. I also realized that I am just beginning to really feel the hurt from the comments he has made in the past; I’ve apparently been burying it deeply and blocking it out. It really hurts to realize just how much I trusted and believed in him and how little he apparently cared about me. Sigh. 4 years ago
I am thinking now that I need to have boundaries. My parents are my parents, but they can still go farther than they should. 4 years ago
It went well. I’m definitely not as close to my stepfather now – I can’t help remembering the hurtful things he’s said recently – but it isn’t as painful as it was after our newborn was born. I was able to enjoy their visit and talk calmly with both. 4 years ago
Well, my visit with my father and stepmother right after the birth of our daughter went really well…and I think I’m still on my stepfather’s “bad” list. That’s quite a reversal right there. For years, things have been awkward between me and my father/stepmother but (I thought) really good with me and my stepfather. Sigh. It is amazing how fast things change.
Still, I’m glad I had the time with my father and stepmother, and I’m glad that they had time with our children. It was a wonderful visit and I came away from it with a new appreciation for my stepmother (amazing after 16 years of knowing her!). 4 years ago
My mother was going to stay with me from Thursday to next Monday so that she could watch our son while my husband and I finish getting ready for the birth of our second child (possibly this coming week). My stepfather insisted that she go home with him Thursday, run errands that he was perfectly capable of running himself, and ride back with him today. As it turns out, the “errands” wound up taking all day; they won’t get back here until at least 10 pm tonight. All because he didn’t want to run the errands himself.
Additionally, he’s going to be no help at all this weekend since he doesn’t cook, change diapers, do housework, etc. He’s just going to be a sixth person in a townhouse…I have no idea why he’s coming back to be in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. Honestly, I think it is because it is an excuse not to work on his own house (which is in dire need of a lot of improvements/repairs). Sigh. That’s what I get for not being blunt/rude and saying “I need my mother to stay here; you go home and do what you need to do.” (Of course, my mother raised me better than that, so I didn’t do it.) 4 years ago
Every time I think I’ve got a handle on my relationship with my mother, step-father, father, or step-mother, either I lose a step-parent and/or gain another one, or something else changes. I thought I had a good grasp on our relationships, but recently my step-father revealed himself as something other than what I thought he was – and for once, he made a nasty comment to me in front of witnesses (my mother-in-law who loves me, and her twin). I just don’t understand what happened; I thought this man loved me and treated me like a daughter, but now I wonder how much he’s ever cared about me, and how I missed the signs. Sigh. After 20+ years of knowing this man, I feel like I’m starting from scratch and at risk of losing my mother. Wow. 4 years ago
