Figure out my place in this relationship

but this is where I want to be right now. I am loved, and I am growing. We haven,t smoothed out all the kinks, but we have moved into a better place together, and I have found my voice. And I now recognize great benefits to not only being in a relationship, but to this one in particular. So I,m staying in place, happily.

So last night, another argument. Same as always, except this time I called him on a couple of things, which I generally don’t do because it just inflames things further. At one point, after I said “I will try harder to ask you if you’re joking instead of assuming you aren’t”, he said “oh, don’t go “trying” things – I feel like I’m being set up; that this will come back to haunt me”

I suggested strongly that if he thinks I’m the kinda person to set him up, and “use it against” him later and plot his demise three moves ahead, then he really doesn’t know me at all and he’s with the wrong girl. He sorta back tracked after that, but this is not the first time he has suggested that I’m trying to position things so I can “get him” later. ::rolls eyes::

Because the topic of this rel’p and whether or not it’s right for me comes to my mind at least ten times a day, I’ve always got arguments on both sides – for instance, I’ve come to appreciate that M is perfect for one of my personalities/moods, and when I want us to stay together, I think that maybe I should just try to be in that particular head space more often (not that I’d even be capable of scripting my moods all the time). But when I’m not in that head space, we seem so totally incompatible…

The other trap I get caught in is looking forward rather than remaining present in the moment. When things between us suck, I weigh whether or not I can tolerate or handle this “forever”, rather than just feeling what I feel when I feel it. That only serves to scare me and make me think that no, I can’t (or don’t want to) be in this same place two, ten, or fifty years from now. However, when I stop projecting today’s frustration into tomorrow, I know that very few things, good or bad, remain unchanged for two, ten or fifty years.

Sorry – I’m just rambling. I guess I just needed to release these thoughts so that I can move on to something more interesting this aft.

him: “you don’t love me any more”
me: “of course I love you. What makes you think that?”
him: “oh, you just don’t seem interested in me as much as you used to”
me: “we should talk about that …”
him: (exaggerated groan) “I don’ wanna talk about it. Why do we have to talk about it???”
me: “because if you really feel that way, I think it’s important to discuss it!”
him: “well, I don’t feel like that any more – not now that you’ve reassured me that you DO love me. See? nothing to talk about”
me: speechless

We’ve just returned home from a BALL weekend away in Niagara Falls, AND just last night I was relating to him that I’m a bit distressed at how busy my next few months of weeknight evenings are going to be (basically busy all but Friday nights from now to Christmas – eek!), so when he called today to ask if I would come up north with him this weekend – TO WATCH HIM AND HIS B.I.L HANG DOORS IN THE NEW COTTAGE – I declined, thinking that he’d fully expect me to. Clearly I over-estimated his ability to feel beyond himself and see what’s best for me, because he responded to my saying I wanted to stay home, in a rather edgy tone, “are you always going to feel this way?”

I want to blow my goddam brains out here. I mean, seriously, my being in school and working three jobs and wanting to stay home after a weekend away (not to mention last month’s week away with his family) – is that so fucking unreasonable a desire? I am stuck in such a stupid relationship, and I can’t seem to find my way out. I don’t think I’m brave enough to get out of it, but he makes it too bloody stressful to stay in it. I spoke my mind, was true to myself, and yet here I sit, my chest all tight, feeling injured because this jerk that I bend over backwards to please can’t NOT lay his disappointment at my feet. Even when I called him back to tell him that I had detected an edge in his voice and wondered if he was mad at me for deciding to stay home, he rather harshly stated “well, I’m not mad exactly, but I guess I’m disappointed. I mean, you always say that you love the outdoors, and here we have this great place to go, yet in the three years we’ve been together, you’ve been up there once”. Yes, and I’ve been to Florida with your family twice, and to Newfoundland with your ball team once, and out for dinner with your family a gazillion times, and at 20 tournaments around the province, and and and. He’s never even once – NOT ONCE – taken me anywhere, just the two of us. And in those same three years, he’s turned down THREE invitations from my Mom to spend the weekend at a “great place”... so holy shit, why can’t he just eat his own selfish expectations and allow me to live my own life???? Christ!

He sucks, but I’m even worse because I’m still here. Still thinking that one day he might change and thereafter will WANT me to be happy. I’m so stupid.

between me & my SO – for the first time in about a year I actually feel really close to him lately. After years of a consistently tumultuous relationship, this period of calm is so welcome, and so wonderful. I’m glad we hung in together to this point – there seems to be room for individuality now, which wasn’t readily accepted or encouraged til now. I can feel myself opening up again – I feel more positive and inspired – I’m even working through The Artist’s Way (so slowly though) and am seeing a vocational counselor because I’m finally in an emotionally free enough place to start exploring ME and what I want to do with my (work) life. And perhaps because of that, when M and I do come together, I’m enjoying his company more and we’re finding little ways to help each other out and appreciate each other that we had all but stopped doing right up until a couple of weeks ago! There’s still lots of work to be done to become a ‘healthy, functional’ couple, and I imagine the storms will kick up again eventually, but for now, I am so grateful for this tender bud of the ‘new us’.

I like him an awful lot today – not because he did anything special; just because. I had a moment in which I could physically feel how exhilerating those early days were, and oh it left me all gushy and mushy about how extraordinary and precious love is.

What a weekend we had – we had a big fight on Friday night, and I was so mad that I got out of the car at a red light and walked through the park to my Mom’s place. Despite his fury at me for doing it, M was worried about my safety (see? good guy all in all) so he waited for me in my Mom’s parking lot. There we inflamed things further, so I got in my car and drove home without him (don’t worry – I didn’t leave him stranded – he had his car there too). By the time we both arrived home in our own vehicles, I had worked myself into an even greater upset, so I grabbed my blanket and pillow and went to sleep downstairs (are you impressed with my maturity yet??). Before long, M called to me to say that he was sorry for calling me stupid, and asked me to come upstairs. In very short order, we were sincerely apologizing to each other for what we had said and done, and he pulled me into him for a long, hard, almost despairing hug during which we both admitted that we have serious communication problems but that we both really want to find a way through so that we can live happily ever after.

The rest of the weekend, needless to say, we were closer and softer with each other than we’ve been in a while. I’ve resolved to try hard to take note of all that he does, rather than all he doesn’t. Even if we end up parting ways one day, I’d rather live in love now, while I’ve got it to give and receive. It’s just good sense.

M is a good man – he is. He can be very compassionate, very tender, and very supportive. He makes me feel safe from everything and everyone (other than himself, ironically!) because any time I’m hurt or insulted or even cut off in traffic, he’s ready to go into battle on my behalf. He is honest, sometimes too much so, but he has such integrity, he can’t even bring himself to fib or misrepresent his truth. He is strong, sexy and handsome. He’s loyal like no one else I’ve EVER met. He’s intelligent, very hard working, and very hard playing too. He’s a capable baseball player, drummer, trucker and carpenter. We like a lot of the same things – we both like to read, camp, travel, stay home, get up early, indulge in yummy eats and drinks, and play games. He has a wonderful sense of humour, he’s extremely likeable, and he can throw a horseshoe like nobody else. He is respectful of and grateful for his parents and his sister and her family, and he embraced my family with love and affection right from day one. And he loves me like no one else ever has.

He is a good man. I am lucky to know him, and to have his heart.

Sometimes a forest has to burn down for the good of the ecosystem. Fire reduces the build-up of dead and decaying debris that accumulate on the forest floor. It reduces or eliminates the overhead forest canopy, increasing the sunlight that stimulates new growth from seeds and roots.

Maybe this is our forest fire – maybe burning the top off will allow new growth for both of us, and who knows, maybe even for “us”. Certainly cleaning up the debris will be good for us both.

Still though, frustrating as this relationship can be, I already miss him. And I feel like I failed because I just didn’t say what needed saying soon enough. And I don’t have the answers that we need to grow closer instead of further apart. And I’m not strong enough to stay in place and trust that things WILL improve. And I don’t have faith enough that staying together is better than breaking apart. And withdrawing my heart hurts someone I love and that sucks the worst of all.

SO came home from his weekend away yesterday, and I must admit, I wasn’t happy nor unhappy to see him. If anything, I felt a mildly sad mourning for the abrupt loss of my alone time. He came in all boisterous and whirlwindy, which didn’t fit at all with the mood I was in, but we managed to find a common volume & speed at which we could relate to each other somewhat.

He said he missed me all weekend. I smiled, but a wee little part of me was, I think, sad to hear it. Wouldn’t it be easier if we BOTH wanted more alone time? I didn’t say I missed him back, because I didn’t and I don’t want to lie about it. I’m grateful that he didn’t ask me if I missed him – I’m sure that would have been awkward.

Interestingly, a couple hours after he got home, as we were watching the video of his weekend tree-felling adventures, he started talking about how he needs to help out around here more – out of nowhere, after almost three years, without my saying a word, he says “I’ll vacuum up here tomorrow – I’ve got time and I don’t mind vacuuming.” I just about fell off the couch! Then he starts on about how he hates dusting and cleaning the bathroom, but that he could help out more with other stuff. He admitted (did I dream this???) that it isn’t fair that I’ve cleaned the bathroom every week for over 150 weeks, so I jumped in and said “yeah, we should alternate”... I still can’t believe that conversation took place. Funny – he’s so sensitive sometimes – I bet the little bugger could sense over the weekend, even 500 km away, that I was mentally composing a conversation about that very topic, so he decided to beat me to the punch! Fine with me – whatever road gets us to where we need to go is fine with me.

Now, lets see if he follows through today.