Be the Solution

Time to abandon it for something more specific.May come back to it later. For now adios

It’s safe to say I’ve lived a sheltered life when it comes to prejudice. At least until now. You see life in my small Louisana town changed once Barak Obama was announced the next president of the United States. Up until now I had the misconception that I was living side by side amongst many of my neighbors. Couldn’t have been more wrong.
The people who used to speak to me, ask me about my kids, and chat about halloween, and the costumes we are making; are scared right now. Having problems looking me in the face. It’s a majority, not a minority, and I was unprepared. Being raised in the north, (and a post civil rights baby) to experience racism at such depths continously, is new to me. Today my husbands boss told him Martin Luther King was an asshole. I had to send to family members out of state to get an Obama shirt. The layers of the racist onion are thick here. We have so very far to go.

In the very early 1900’s my great grandmother put her daughter Elizabeth on a train in Mobile Alabama and told the conductor to take her as far north as possible. She begged him to do what he could to keep her safe and hidden. My grandma was a mere child. She landed in Michigan. My family centralized there for generations. So how do I find myself back in the deep south further than my grandmother? Pick up drivin, gun totin, crawdad eatin, Louisiana. I love it here. How ironic is that? No I am not a sadist. Creativity flows like the waters of the Mississippi. The food is beyond amazing, the music is phenomenal, and when you find good people you want to wrap them up and keep them for life. All the same it is clear to me that I will have to move soon. It was a nice visit.

A good friend gave me some unsolicited advice last Sunday,”Follow your goals at all cost, the universe will provide you with the people you need along the way.” Then as life would have it she said and did something incredibly stupid reminding me not to get to caught up in focusing on the messenger.
Over time I have allowed myself to be caught up in everyone and everything, it was my choice. My need to control and make life “better” for everyone involved. I am neither proud or ashamed of this, it just was. Now as my husband makes every attempt to bring my family back together I have to ask myself what I really want and know that “If momma aint happy…

My mother used to tell me “it takes too much work to be poor”, I always thought she meant financially, now in hindsight I know otherwise. I remember her smiling and saying”just keep living” Well mom, experience has taught me that I cannot base my life on the fears of others. No matter how well intentional or loving they may seem. I have also learned that many people will hold onto their fears at all cost. Love cannot take them away. Sometimes death has to step in and do the job in the hopes that life can continue at another level. A rebirth of sorts. This has not happened in my relationship. Old codependent practices still rear their ugly head and make me terribly uncomfortable.

This time I have nothing of myself to sacrifice. I hold no magic potion that will “make things better” and I learned that life is happening everyday and it’s impossible to put it on hold while putting the pieces together. I love my husband. I love myself more. There have been times when it seemed the other way around. Now is not one of those times. As Neem gets taller and curvier I realize it’s my duty to be the best me I possibly can. Right now that means living apart.

I meet with V on Sunday. This will be the first time we have seen each other in over a month. Our phone conversations have gone well. I am claiming a healing experience.

This is a common conversation amongst moms, when I take my 10 year old daughter to her various activities. Sometimes I listen. More times than not, I remove myself from the area and find something else to do. Which is also my solution for countering the influence these mislead young ladies have on young girls.

This topic is complex. No doubt. Still, I think one of the best gifts we can give our daughters is the ability to look up to themselves. Of course for many of us, (myself included), this may require a rewiring of our own capabilities, and thought processes. Changing the way we relate to our daughters, therefore, changing the way they relate to themselves.

When N was 5 yrs old, she had an awesome kindergarten teacher. The teacher traced the children’s bodies posed in positions, where they were doing their favorite things. After the children decorated them, she posted them on the ceiling for the entire year. Telling the children, the ultimate person they should look up to is themselves. Learn to be their own heroes. That was life changing for Neem. She brought her drawing home and hung it from her bedroom until it finally fell apart.

Now, she looks for people according to her interest. The best soccer player, scientist, engineer etc.. I tell her that everyone is human, and everyone has a gift. Admire the gift because nobody’s perfect. Be the best at being you, because you are going to suck at being anyone else. Her brother tells her that. She’s learning to pick her own style and make herself happy. She has permission from her family to be all she can be.
We have to give that to our children and support them in it.

For many parents, this is a wake up call. Kids need parents. Girls need their mothers. Not best friends, business managers or party buddies. It bothers me, when I hear a mom say her 10 yr. old is her best friend, or she is the cool mom. I love my daughter dearly, but I would never have a 10 yr. old best friend. When boundaries need to be set, I will set them. That will no doubt, make me totally uncool. When my children get older, it is my hope that we can have wonderful friendships. I know from first hand experience, friends come and go, and their rank changes. There is no one on earth who can replace mom. I am proud to be mom. The title in itself, is more than enough.

2008 is my year to put my weight issues to bed. I am ridding myself of the unwanted weight and maintaining my desired weight. I will be realistic about this. Choosing a weight that is healthy for my body.

I have to turn up the volume on the lifestyle change. That’s really my key issue. Running around without eating. As a result eating later than I know I should. I also need to exercise alot more. Without the movenment my weight doesn’t budge.

The goal here is health. My cousins in their teens are experiencing the health problems of people much older. I have to raise my children in a more health conscious way and take action on it. If you ask them they know how to eat. I don’t always have the proper food available for them to eat. That is where we have work to do.

Due to the season, I am hearing from friends and family that I don’t usually hear from. So many men are battling depression. It’s alarming. Something has to change and soon.

It may be the same for women and we keep going until we develop some form of illness. I really don’t know but I can’t help wondering.

or hot water. Something to do with the gas lines. In the past this would have totally freaked me out. Thank goodness we still have electricity. I went to Target and purchased 4 space heaters. Combined with the 2 we already have we are able to keep the main floor of the house fairly comfortable. Today I am on a mission for firewood. If we light the fireplace in the livingroom we will be cozy.

We brought the 2 stationary computers into our bedroom so that we can close off the downstairs familyroom.

I also need to purchase a big pot so that we can boil water for baths. (Luckily, the stove is electric)

No time to freak out it’s supposed to get colder today

“Women must take over. Women have a way of reaching out to others. I want to suggest that women start a revolution. God depends on you that you are going to turn this world into the kind of place you want. It should be a place of compassion, of gentleness, of sharing, of caring.”
—-Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Well Damn, it’s no wonder I’m restless.

Recently my daughter and I were at the zoo,
there were a lot of schools there that day,
and I was so disgusted by how the kids just
threw their trash down anywhere. The zoo looked
like a dump that day. I was saying just this to
my daughter when out of nowhere an old man slipped by us,
silently he swooped down, picked up two pieces of trash,
walked on and deposited them. I stood there, ashamed of myself.
I wondered if he might have been an angel.
Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t.
It doesn’t really matter.
What matters is silently he taught me a lesson.
I knew that lesson already, just somehow I had forgotten it.
With his silent movements he set an example for me,
and for my daughter.
I am a better mother because of his lesson,
I am a better person because of his lesson.
Shut up Kelly, and just be the solution.

I am challenged now to find other ways to shut my mouth,
and be the solution.

Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. ~ Mother Teresa