Restore my faith & my relationship with God

I wish there was a word or phrase that would suit or define the love of God. But there isn’t one. Unconditional, ever-lasting not even agape love seems to do the love of God justice. Despite all the things, the times I’ve failed, I’ve fell, been disobedient, turned my back, sinned, placed things in front of Him, He still loves me. There’s no way I could comprehend that. It’s like I knew He loved me but I didn’t know.

Last weekend I had the privilege of attending a women’s retreat. I honestly had second thoughts of going at the last minute b/c my sinus was acting up and I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep. But I ended up sucking it up and going and I’m ever so grateful that I did. God sends the right people, at the right time, in the right situations.

The theme of the retreat was forgiveness. The importance of forgiveness is so evident throughout the bible. God said to forgive others just as you have been forgiven. The importance of forgiveness is so clear just by the fact that God sent His only Son to die so that we can be forgiven. The forgiveness of others is not for them but for ourselves. Unforgiveness is like an infection. When it is not dealt with it continues to spread and affect more parts of the body which can cause the body to break down, especially when this infection reaches the blood. It causes hurt, pain and anger to stir up inside of us, sometimes without us even noticing. Many of times people do us wrong and the funny thing is it’s as though they continue with their lives, seemingly oblivious of the hurt and pain they’ve caused us. Whether intentional or not, we think it’s unfair and often wonder where our justice is.

Why should we forgive, when we’ve done nothing wrong? The answer is simply because Jesus died to forgive us when He did nothing wrong. On the last day, one of the women Pastors preached about forgiveness and one of the things that she shared that will never leave me for all my days is the story of Cain and Abel. God says to Cain that your brother’s blood cries out to Me. It shows that even though Abel was dead, God had to step in for justice on his part as his blood cried out to Him. God is saying forgive even when you did nothing wrong so that your blood can cry out to Me too. However our blood has to be pure. Unforgiveness brings forth hatred within us and causes our relationship with God to not be holy; therefore He cannot fight on our behalves when we ourselves are unworthy of it. God has forgiven all sins so who are we to not forgive others.

But the thing I’ve learnt that is as important as forgiving others is forgiving ourselves. Who am I to keep reminding God and bringing up things from the past? The very same things that the Holy of Holies have forgotten and forgiven us from, we bring it up. It’s like being healed from a sickness or infection but still acting like we have it. People who have gotten rid of an infection would not stand and re-inject themselves with the very said virus or unclean blood. This is what we do when we don’t forgive ourselves. God is saying my child, my blood has made you holy now, you are pure and forgiven..why dwell on those things of the past. We do this and we hinder our growth in Him.

I went to that retreat with an incident in mind that I needed to deal with but God dealt with that and more. He has met me at a place that I had pushed so far away from the surface and said “Yes, even that I’ve forgiven you for”. Now if God can meet me at my deepest, darkest secrets and forgive me….and still love me and say you are still worthy of being used for My purpose……that’s love!!! Love I’m not worthy of. There is restoration in Him and how do I love Him.

1. The act of restoring or bringing back to a former place, station, or condition; the fact of being restored; renewal; reestablishment; as, the restoration of friendship between enemies; the restoration of peace after war.

I want more than to restore. I want to surpass! But… and there goes that famous conjunction….there’s something that always seem to hinder, always divert, always prevent. But (this is a good ‘but’ and the most important too)...God’s always is longer than those things always.

Today I realized I ranted and raved about everything bad, and didn’t focus or turn to Him. I thought of it all as punishment. And for a second I hated God. I’ve been going through somethings mentally that you think you’ve dealt with, just to realize you only just put aside. The hurt and the pains and the questions came rushing back today. And I’ve come to the conclusion that not only do I need to lay my burdens at the foot of the cross but I also need to walk away. When something small can upset you beyond believe and you think on things that happened months ago, you know you’ve not let it go. And this is a process…. a long process. But God everytime I fall I will get back up! Everytime I fail, I will find a way to succeed. Because I need to reach to that place with You that there’s no turning back, there’s no remorse, but only jubilation, restoration and me giving myself totally to You.

Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Psalm 16:1 – Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.

Psalm 9:10 – And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

I don’t know where to start. I had a really close relationship with the Lord at one time in my walk but I am so far from Him now it’s a little disconcerting. It’s futile at this point to go in to the circumstances that got me to this point. All I know is that I am here and it can be a very lonely place. Honestly, I am not sure what to do to restore the faith I once had in Him. I find myself often wishing I had a mentor to help walk me through this.

I feel so lost and confused.

Hi Triniprincess – I am from Trinidad too.

Still working on this one. I think Im lacking the support. I work on Sundays and I ask for it off but they still schedule me. Maybe I shoudl just start calling in? I need to find a good church. I dont have family here and I feel alone. A church family can be just as good : )

I think sometimes I get so discouraged that I feel like i should just give up… that Im never going to get there because i am so weak. I dont know…. I keep trying to pray, but I feel like Im not getting anywhere. I know that any difference made has to start with me….

I just need to stop making excuses and start changing my life….

for the rest of the year! People will NEVER understand what the words mean to me. For others its a nice song but for me it gives me strength to carry on.

We are going up, ah ha
We’re going up together
We’re going up to prosper
In the name of the Lord

I am a warrior!
I am a conquer!
And an overcomer!
In the name of the Lord

Stop, oh no, don’t talk
Don’t speak defeat to me.
I am a child of God
And I’ve got the victory

A couple weeks ago I had an amazing experience and I’m not sure if even to write it here. I don’t really want to get into it all but I think I’ll write pieces more through the scope of the week. For weeks/months I’ve felt disconnected from God and I saw myself slipping from under His covering. I didn’t felt His touch anymore and I did things that were wrong without any remorse. To say the least I was mad at the world. Anyway, somewhere along the line I realized my distancing and ‘begged’ God for forgiveness and for the closeness I once had.

Anyway we held a special pray meeting just for the young adult girls one afternoon and needless to say things are all different now. We each got a one-on-one session with God and He spoke through one of our leaders. All the pains and the hurts and EVERYTHING I have told Him was said back to me. I have been feeling like God was no where to be found in my situations, like He did not hear my cries, saw my tears nor felt my pains and this made me even more mad. But He proved to me that He did. He bottled every tear, heard every cry, felt every pain and was there in every situation. One of the things God has told me is that I need to remember who I am in Him. He made me for a divine purpose and when in doubt to just look at my name. And at the time I didn’t remember, but I when I finished crying (hehe) and I was reflecting I remembered what my name means… unconquerable, victorious people!!! If nothing else that says I am going to make it through whatever comes my way! And with God on my side … I need nothing more. So this song will forever be in my heart until I learn to walk with the authority that my Father has given to me.

The last six months of the year has passed by and I look back and wonder if I’m any better spiritually now than January. And honestly the answer is not a good one. My life has been flooded with other people, other things, other goals and objectives and I’ve failed to make time for God. I always had an excuse and they were all logically, mind you. But when excuses turn into habits then we have a problem. I’ve realized and others have realized also that I’m staying away from fellowshipping and many may say it’s not necessary but it totally is. It builds you up and allow you to feed off of other’s energy. When you’re going through a tough patch, best believe, some how there’s someone who is going through it too or have gone through it. Fellowshipping with others just encourages you to go on. And I’ve neglected this too many times. Placing studies and work before Him. First it’s the simple things and then they swerve into bigger things. The devil just seeks to isolate you, and then pounce on you when there’s no one around to have you’re back and that is what has been happening. But thank God that despite me forsaking Him and placing things before Him, He has reached out to me (once again). And I’ve realized that the people He has placed in my life, do honestly care about my welfare and would be there for me. The other people I’ve ‘collected’ along life’s path could very well exit anytime they well feel. In the end of it all, I rely of the very people I’ve neglected all the while to hold me up in pray!