Graduate from real life

because of a few things.

1) My main goal for most of my life was to be able to live without the swamping pain of losing my mother at best one step back all the time. I’ve done that.

2) My next main goal has been to remove the systemic problems that being abused and having PTSD created. I’m working on that.

3) My forward looking goal is to get something done that is not related to my shitty childhood at all.

Both #2 and #3 are going to take me a while to do, but not as long as #1, and I expect to be working on them, in some form or the other, probably until the day I die.

So, I really do think that 50 years qualifies. I’ve done two quantum leaps of personality and psychology in that time to accomplish this. Graduating from high school only takes 4 years, college degrees can take longer, but not anywhere near 50 years.

So I’m doing to mark this done!

jkd

-or the car “ate” it, which it sometimes does. DH just left to go to his customer site and won’t be back with the car until late this afternoon.-

-When we bought the trashcan yesterday I unwrapped a new lid for us, handed it to DH and then put the rest back in the other cans. If I did that, I had put my wallet down (I rarely carry a purse). And it’s real possible that I just walked away and left it.-

-One of these days I’d like to be a REAL adult, you know?-

-F!-

-But, until I can really look in the car, I’m not sure if that’s what I did. I know I had it after I left the market…-

jkd

I put it in the cloth bag with the grocery notebook when I came in last night; I just hadn’t taken it out yet. Yeah!

and in the course of the conversation I said, “I deserve a lifetime achievement award in psychology. But who’d award it to me?” Which made us both laugh.

It’s sometimes really frustrating to have as your life work something that is not really measurable by others, not outwardly obvious, much less when you know you’re

DONE ALREADY!

(So you can go on to something else, eh?)

And all of that reminded me of this goal.

jkd

and the first one:

Moles are God’s way of reminding you: no matter how carefully you’d cleared the stones from a garden bed, there’s more!

strikes me a as an apt allegory for life. You clear the rocks and God, life, time, your subsconsious, whatever, finds a way to throw a new batch your way.

They may be more concentrated in one area or another, but the fact is they’re there, you didn’t expect them, but there they are.

I’d like to consider it a sign of maturity that this no longer makes me want to rail against it. It simply is.

jkd

and that has held me back for a good many years. It’s such a relief to think that I can live my life without them, their input, or their effects.

I feel so light and untrammeled!

jkd

I have burnt myself 3 times working on a dinner that I don’t really know will be eatable, I’m trying a new kind of food (wheat gluten) and doing something I couldn’t find anything about (mixing it with meat). If I did it wrong, the meatloaf will have these little blobs of chewy stuff in the middle of it that are tasteless.

I can’t find “my” cookbook, it’s a notebook with 20 years of recipes, notes, etc. in it.

So, I’m being DISCOURAGED today. I need, no want, someone to take over, make it better etc.

Excuse me whilst I have a temper tantrum! WHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, I’m done now.

(Hopefully dinner will NOT be a complete disaster!)

jkd

I had someone I respect last night tell me that the secret to business is that you have to be strong, to choose to be strong. And this person is gifted and successful, and I actually agree with them to some extent.

The problem is that you don’t always get to choose. To people of this ilk, those of us with issues choose them. Why would I choose to be traumatized? When you have trauma, the blood chemistry in your brain changes amongst other things. One of those things is that you process things and related them to the trauma on a body chemistry level more readily.

And there’s no trying to convince people of this stuff, you either “get it” or you don’t.

So, I need to “let it go.”

jkd

I may just decide that I did this…graduate from real life.

I KNOW that when I do, I want to have a tremendous party, but it seems to me that since this is the goal I’ve been working towards for most of my 50 odd (and odder!) years, that I should have some kind of “road map” or something?

Comments? Questions? Brickbats?

Whatever.

jkd

reading about people who graduate, it’s the most amazing thing on earth. You study, you put up with crazy profs and mad team mates and you are awake all night making sure you hand in your best the next day. Coffee is your best friend, apart from all the mad amazing people you are studying. And once you graduate, you’re DONE! Such a good feeling!

I kind of fancy graduating again. Just for the buzz. Only this time I would graduate from piles of ironing, wing mirrors that need fixing, doctors appointments that need attending, stuff like that. I might have to start a University of Weeez but I feel like taking a holiday knowing that I had shitloads of really mundane uninteresting deadlines and it would be so nice if someone gave me a ceremony and everyone attended and said ‘blimey didn’t she do well’, and then you’re DONE!

I wish I had enjoyed mine more :)

Hehe I think I should get to write the exam questions for my graduation from real life. Only fair, it was my idea. While I’m devising them I can sit back and enjoy all you hard workers who made it through your courses.

CONGRATULATIONS ALL OF YOU!!!