deal with this

It seems like since day one I have given him chance after chance after chance. I always seem to think that he really “didn’t mean to hurt me” or he has “learned his lesson.” But it’s to the point where I could easily walk away from him. Call me a bitch, but we’re suppose to be a family now, I’m suppose to be his fiance..hiding things, and lying about things is way beyond me. I’m not going to do it anymore. I won’t let him do this to me. Even though it was the littest thing, it is still the one thing that he knows rips at my heart the most. If he feels like he needs “closure” with her, better closure, a friendly type of closure rather than the last blow out we all had together, then maybe he should take time to go do that, alone, out of this apartment. How can he say that he is trying to be a mature person? A mature person wouldn’t lie to me about it because he knows I would get mad, a mature person wouldn’t lie to me about telling her to leave him alone, a mature person wouldn’t lie and hide the same type of thing two fucking days later. Ugh. The nerve that boy has, and yes I say boy, he doesn’t deserve to be called a man. He is too immature. If after two years he still can’t shake this bullshit without sneaking behind my back and going to it again, then chances are he’s never going to learn. What am I suppose to do? I have the most beautiful three week old baby, and I don’t want him to grow up the way I did, with divorced fighting parents. Then again, I don’t want him to grow up learning that it’s ok to lie, that women are weak. He seriously has a lying problem, and to make it worse, he is the worst lier! I honestly don’t know how to handle this. Do I say ok, one more chance? Do I say fuck you, you’ve had more chances than I can count? Do I leave? Do we live under the same roof until the lease is up? Do I trust him again? I can’t. End of story. Love isn’t enough sometimes. And it kills me to realize that.

Our phone number is changing. All the old messages will be gone, which still includes two from Paul, one a very funny, silly one, the other singing happy birthday to me, cracking jokes. He sounds so alive, so much himself, as though he’s still just across town and I can call him back and plan to meet for coffee – it’s strange to hear them and know he’s not here anymore. I haven’t been able to bring myself to erase them.

Yesterday I backed up the messages with a little mp3 player (there were a number of others from friends and family I wanted to keep too, particularly the funny ones), and erased them from the phone. It’s been hard to hit that button, maybe because I know there will never be another message from him, and I guess I still wanted to hear his voice from time to time. Another little piece I’m putting away, letting go.

^{There’s something lonely about the sound of a dial tone.}

With the acceptance of the fact that we’re going to have to move also comes the necessity to go through our things, to downsize. This means I need to finally start going through Paulie’s things which still take up a respectable amount of space in the garage.

Today I went through 3 of his boxes, which still smell of cigarettes smoke that seems fresher than it should. I even found something he was writing shortly before he died and a picture he drew for me. I selected a few nice empty scrapbooks and notebooks to keep for myself, and will give the others away. I went through his box of papers, promo and resume files, pulled out some poetry and photos and recycled the rest. I picked some books I’d like to read, and will give away/bookcross the others.

I haven’t decided about the Mahjong set yet, maybe I’ll learn to play. I made a good start, and went from three big boxes to one small one. I’m not sure what’s harder to let go of as I sift through my possessions – things from my childhood, or all I have left of my dear friend. He’s still sorely missed. The last time I saw him alive was in this house, and it seems odd that we’ll be moving to a place he’ll never enter.

i miss you more than i have ever missed anyone or anything. and you make it so hard for me to come back, just to say a simple hello. your photo’s remind me that i can’t do this, but our memories remind me that we once did. not one day goes by where you’re not on my mind. you could never understand my way of thinking when it came to us, and visa versa, which just adds another block to this already impossibly high wall. i’m sorry that as a friend i ask for too much of your attention, and i’m sorry that as a lover i just can’t be. in my eyes losing this friendship has hurt me more than losing any sort of lover in the past. i do love you, just not how you love me, and i do miss you, just not how you miss me. and i can’t help that my life has taken me on a completely different path than planned. i can’t help that you tugged on my world over and over and caused me to give up on something that i thought i wanted more than anything. you don’t understand me in that aspect, but you understand everything that no one else does, and that is why i need you. i need you in my life. i need you as my bestfriend. i need you, but you don’t need me. we’re both selfish. i want a friendship, knowing it kills your heart. and you want my heart, knowing it will kill our friendship. i don’t know if i can go on day after day wondering what amazing things we could accomplish together. it breaks my heart and tears at my soul, every day, it breaks.

This past weekend had a few emotional bumps attached, one of the harder ones was Sunday being the second anniversary of Paulie’s death. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe he isn’t here.

I had a couple of good conversations with his mom over the weekend, went through some photos, his old scrapbooks, and even looked at his entries here (swankhipster). It intensely drives home the importance of doing things while you can and trying to enjoy life now. Today. I wish so badly that he could have spent the last couple of years pursuing his dreams and that he knew he’d unknowingly achieved some of them while he was still here.

Apart from the missing and reminiscing, I wanted to do at least one of the things I’ve been putting off for so long, so I opened/read the coroner’s inquiry and autopsy report they had sent me. It’s been sitting, sealed, in my desk all this time. I knew basically what it said, but even so, it was a hard read, seeing it all in black and white, knowing the “Death Identification Method: Visual: Friend” meant me. It brought some things back.

Before hitting another anniversary, I’d very much like to have moved forward with the majority of the loose ends I’ve left. The tangible ones, like the remainder of his belongings. I’ve gone through some of them, but there are still numerous boxes in the garage that I haven’t been through since we packed them up in his apartment.

It’s still hard. And there will always be a friend shaped hole where he used to be.

it get’s a little easier everyday,
but a little worse during every empty moment in my mind.

i love having this as a goal, because it always applies, and not always to the same thing, but it’s perfect. what i need to deal with right now is just too overwhelmingly stressful, and i just can’t handle it. i’m four and a half months pregnant, and the slightest stress send me to the toilet to be sick, and leaves me with a murderous headache. my mom is back in california, and i’m officially not speaking to her. when she came down to visit ‘me’ she really ended up spending more than the majority of her time with her loser ex. and of the two days i did see her, she was so obliterated, she doesn’t even remember half of what happened those nights. i am so frustrated by this. she was doing so good in florida, she had a job, and was going to school to finally get her nursing degree, then BAM, she just gives up on everything, like it’s nothing. she’s a weak woman, and she needs help, but how do you help someone (your own mother) when they don’t even want to help themselves? now that she has thrown her florida life out the window, i don’t even want to speak to her, i am so disappointed. i know i need to call her, tell her how i am feeling, the resentment i have towards her, the frustration i hold, the feelings of being let down, why i’m not speaking to her, all of it, but again, it’s not easy to tell your own mom all of those things. i was so happy to have a relationship with my mom again, we were talking on the phone everyday, and everything was just good, i am so let down from it all. i never should have expected so much from her, i know better, she’ll never change, she’s a grown ass woman for gods sake. i’m just stuck, i don’t know how to deal with this. it’s just too much.

it’s going alright. everyone officially knows about me being pregnant, so my stress level has dropped significantly because it’s out in the open. don’t get me know certain people still aren’t dealing with it very well, but all is good. zack and i are saving up bunches of money, so i am confident everything will be alright when we move out in august. and i actually got my first ultra sound, ahhhh it was so exciting :] see the pic? :] :] :]

right now it’s finding out that i am pregnant, dealing with my parents reaction of having to move out by the time the baby comes, and trying to take a breath and realize that my life isn’t over. i know that giving life is not a bad thing, and i don’t think so at all. it’s just a lot to deal with when i’m only 21, i know it could be worse, but that doesn’t mean i’m not allowed to be scared about this. back to the origional point, i’m going to deal with this, the right way.

Coffee stained, probably 10 years old. It made me feel an odd mix of emotions ~ nostalgic, sad, and strangely inspired. I wish I could just pick up the phone.

I’m afraid I haven’t made it very far with the tangible things I need to do as far as this goes. The garage is still full of boxes. There’s actually still a message on my machine.

I should try to face the sorting again. It’s hard though, and so easy to keep putting off. An out of sight out of mind white elephant hiding quietly in storage. Waiting.

When a spot clears on my plate, I’ll pull one box inside.