live fearlessly

I have officially been fear-free for a month save ONE time, which lasted me for about 48 hours. Other than that, my fear has been translating into mild, rather easily-dismissed anxieties and frustration (or very temporary nerves), when it does exist, and otherwise I’ve been avoiding it completely. :)

I’ve already come a long way with this, and it has been a goal for me for some time, without having quite been understood, or put into words. Over the past week I’ve taken great pains to make headway against all of my fears that had been building up, and the last two days have shown marked improvement both physically and mentally. You only live once, so it shouldn’t be stained or washed-out by fear. Take life by the horns! Let’s hope I can keep up the mentality, eh?

Courage is being scared shitless but doing it anyway.

I want to not even acknowledge my fears. That way I can live without it.

Without hesitation I attack
mine enemies scatter,
my fury is as a hurricane.
But my moves calculated,
my caution a guardian angel.

I shall put them beneath my heel.
I shall crush the resisters
like so many fruits to pulp.

The cruelty of years’ long frustration
of injustice shall be undoubtedly
stingingly felt, smelt,
like the strap strap strap
of a mean mama’s belt.

Tomorrow I’m taking the first step toward my dream. I have to sing infront of people and i am scared as hell. What are they going to think? I have a lot of work to do in the next two months because I want to audition for a contest and also in a college where I will have to sing in front of people everyday. I should be fine by then ;)
live life fearlessly

I think recognizing fear, and realizing how it limits us and imprisons us to begin with is a huge step toward dealing with it and taking it’s power. I’ve noticed now that I’m older, thatwhen I was young and unaware I lived so much freer and happy and moved forward in life so easily. I’ve recounted that with every negative period of my life it was always surrounded by fear, mostly magnified and manufactured in my own mind! So after becoming aware I wondered why God createdit.Here’s the only good thing I think comes of it….it forces you to turn to God. You have to realize you don’t have control of situations and have to turn the whole thing over to him. Somehow it’s the only relief from it. Maybe he gave us fear to stay close to us?When I know he’s in charge I worry less and live more anyway. Just a thought…....

i was thinking the other day about how interesting it is to find completely new fears within yourself. you know, by now, after 19 years of getting to know yourself, it’s hard to be surprised by yourself. but a new chapter has opened in my life, and with it a bunch of new and strange discoveries. it’s as though i’ve entered an entirely different world and everything is new and must be conquered once again.

and then i came up with this theory that every person of the opposite sex that you become involved with is a representation of a part of your anima or animus (depending). since boyfriends and other such figures seem to come in periods (rarely more than one at a time), it feels to me that each one represents a new part of me that i need to get to know and understand. and this time, it has come, seemingly, as a new fear to conquer.

it’s so strange…having strong feelings for a person and yet being afraid of them. every time i see him a voice inside me tells me to turn and run away while i can. it’s terribly amusing really. but i’ve been trying to face it…as it turns out, quite literally. and it has indeed been a learning experience, though not the one i imagined it would be.

i think what i have learned is that it’s important to understand where your fears come from and what they mean. and in this case, i think it wasn’t a fear of the untrotted territory, but rather a warning. kind of like your body feels pain to warn you of the possible danger of injury or death. a fear to tell me not to get involved because demons lie ahead. or some bullshit like that.

mama would be proud of the self-parenting skills i’ve acquired in the abscence of parental attention in my critical youth. but i feel kind of sad. i like him and it would be, hypothetically, nice to be able to be with him. perhaps the rest of the lesson and knowledge will unfold with more time. right now i can’t quite understand what this experience was for if i have to quit already. because right now all i really feel i’ve discovered is that i actually am, much to my dismay, fucking crazy like the rest of us psycho women.

...or at least in recent years, afraid of more things than the ordinary person….failed marriage and what it will do to my kids; large groups of people and talking in front of them; driving to work with all the idiots. Afraid of my desires. That scares me as well, since it makes me feel constantly unsatisfied with my life. ???????

The only thing we have to fear is…

OK, yes maybe that quote is a bit tried, haha