wake up every morning and signal my reconfirmed intention to change

Exams are over, life can resume. There are a hundred a ten things I want to do! This morning I went through my list of ‘given up’ things, and reopened the ones that made me nod – and wow, that’s rather a lot!

So… the change I need to work on is working on these things! Vegetating is fine when necessary, but I have to make the effort to do rather than just daydream.

Here’s to seeing how much progress I can make this year – how many of my goals I can complete or at least make significant headway with :)

I eat well. Too well. Today I was shocked to find I’ve been putting on a little more than 1lb/week for the past couple of months – ouch! Also undoes the start of some good work last year, and hits just as I decided it was time to really start focusing on chasing this goal – ah, nothing like starting with a ‘fail’, but between that and holiday it has to be good motivation.

• Treats are treats. The bulk of my issues of late have been puddings, rich (shop-bought) foods, and no real self-restraint. I’m not saying ‘no’ to chocolate or ice cream or whatever, but it cannot be a daily thing.
• Treat myself to more non-food things!
• Fruit is good! Talking of treats, instead of spending money on chocolate or whatever, use it to buy that hideously overpriced, prepackaged fruit – it still feels like a bit of a treat!
• Snackage – not so good. See ‘fruit’, also dried, nuts, popcorn?
• Eat for hunger, only
• Gum, tea = other things I can put in my mouth when it’s not really hunger
• If I’m going to feel guilty eating it – don’t buy it!!!
• Watch portion sizes
• Track meals – hello again, SparkPeople!
• Start looking up/listing healthy recipes for that ‘new’ factor
• Keep a stock of healthy meals in the freezer for lazy evenings
• Menu planning: ensure that 5/6 meals out of the week are healthy!
• Balance: not so great lunch planned? Uber-healthy, vegtastic dinner!
• Soup lunches are good – make most of this while weather remains cold
• Read 4DW – support, anyway I can get it
• Remember remember: just how miserable I am right now, not really fitting my clothes, having undone all my work of last year, and that bit further from my ultimate (weight) goal.

Exercise will help (especially when I’m more able again!), but food is a necessity and bad habits cannot be ignored. And look at that list – it’s huge! So many things I can do – and in small ways – that will make a difference!

_{I should really wait ‘til I’m home to write this, but I’ve been meaning to do so for 2 days now, and I have half an hour ‘til the tea run!}

I do love it when I start posting about the same things under different goals – speaks of synchronisity, methinks :) So, while the first half of Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star sort of gave me permission to chase this goal wholeheartedly, and some advice on knowing exactly what ‘the life I want to live’ would feel like; the second half is about change, and dealing with it – and, I hope, how to make the most of it!

Beck has a four-stage cycle of change: death/rebirth, dreaming and scheming, the ‘hero’s quest’, and a final stage of stability (see, told you I should wait ‘til I was home and had the book in front of me!).

The cycle begins, she says, with a catalytic event. This could be shocking, or an opportunity, or just a ‘transition’ – knowing that you really really want change. I think I have a combo of all three, to be honest. Last year’s health scare, and the unexpected overwhelmingness of post-surgery coping just now, count as my shock. Okay, so in the end nothing actually really happened, per se, but I think it all jolted me out of a certain mindset, at least (for) a bit. Suddenly I was having to cope again with the reality of my health, the reminder that life isn’t just ticking along while I ignore certainly issues, and that this really could have been the most massive lifestyle shift. I’m not alone in having spoken recently that sometimes it’s tougher to deal with the good news – but perhaps this is why: you still had the shock, you still crave change, but the underlying reality of your life doesn’t actually shift under you.

The opportunities are there, too: I’m in a new job these days, full of its own opportunities, not least this period right now of getting back into everything slowly – I want to get back into my life (the one I want, at that!) at the same time! There’s also the opportunity just to use this time to push for change, even if it’s not the total shock Martha talks about.

And finally transition: realising you’re not happy, not on your path, and having the NEED to change. That I’m even reading the book, writing things like this, shows that I do want – and brings me to the ‘fear’ that I haven’t had a big enough jolt to throw me out of the old ruts. I must confess, gripped as I was by the idea and certainly the first half of the book, one of my first reactions was fear that I wasn’t killing off my ‘old life’ enough to then start recreating my own life. Truth is, though, I don’t want an entirely different life: I accept that sometimes something has to go to let new things in, but there are aspects I want to kill off, not everything. In other words, I’m not being forced into a change, which perhaps means that it’s all just going to take a little bit more hard work on my part. But I’m guessing that can be okay – after all, people do change their lives without needing to lose a loved one, go through divorce, or get fired first, right? Those are times when change is thrust upon you, right enough!

So having convinced myself I’m ‘allowed’ to enter the circle in the first place, next question is: am I still in stage 1, or am I dipping a toe in stage 2 – dreaming and scheming – already? I suspect a bit of both, to be honest – watch this space!

I had a nicely relaxing, not entirely productive weekend. And as ususal, it’s not what I got done that swirls in my head, but what I didn’t: ate like a horse, zero exercise (actually, that’s not true – too much sitting left me stiff, so there was yoga ball work; plus am still quite snuffly to head back to the gym), minimal studying was done, avoided the card making stuff as if it was something nasty… sigh.

But then… between last night and this morning, my brain basically shouted, “Schtopp!” (I’m part Dutch, y’know! ;)). I woke up this morning just feeling… that I WANT to. All of it. All of those things, everything else I say is important to me. No more excuses; no more struggle to do/not do – I just want to embrace this life, this ‘new me’ version, and get on with it!

(and then I hit the post-lunch snooze, and all I really want is my bed. Argh!)

More… some of it is obvious. I want to study conscienciously; I want to enjoy cooking and eating healthy foods with occasional treats; I want to enjoy, too, going to the gym, being active and fit. I want my hours to be filled with the things I value: work as a necessity, but then card making, writing, reading, watching movies even – instead of the vegetating.

Some is more obscure. I passed an advert today for a No 7 goody bag – and was instantly wondering what I could spend £20 on to get that freebie bag with the turquoise eyeliner! (note: can’t imagine actually just buying the eyeliner – o.O). Actually, struggle to imagine where/how I’d wear turquoise eyeliner, but somehow it was new and exciting and maybe ‘new me’ could. New Me wears cashmere and well-cut trousers. New Me spends time getting her hair right, too, and treats herself to manicures and the like. It’s not frippery, it’s newness – the possibilities.

Moose’s new goal is ‘Create the life I want to live’. This is that. I just have to get there!!

Perhaps it’s the year end, starting to think about new beginnings, that sort of thing, but of late I’ve been thinking about the future. Not in any huge way, but certainly a few ‘things I’d like to be doing’. NaNoWriMo is a biggy – I’m loving all the enthusiasm as everyone starts this year’s, and have a slight twinge of regret that I can’t join in. Well, shouldn’t, can’t give it the time commitment over everything else. Next year, perhaps? Yes, I could do that! :)

Another thing I did recently was take the concept of my vision board, and something I read here about working goals backwards. Not that I’ve fully drawn it up yet, but had a post-it scribble: things I’d like to be doing (writing, creating websites) at the top, then steps below each I’d need to achieve to get there. I must finish that!

What suprised me was how readily I knew what I wanted at the top of the sheet. I DO want to write, I DO want to be creating websites, and – somewhat surprisingly – I want to be doing a lot of illustrating/that sort of thing, which sort of ties into both. Not exactly life-goals, methinks, but still… hmm.

Then of course, was the level showing what needs to be done to achieve these. Well, quite obviously, I need to be writing, drawing, and creating websites! LOL! Seriously, these aren’t things that are just going to happen – I’m going to have to practice, to produce a lot of crud before I can produce anything like what’s in my head.

Filter down another level: what do I need to do before I can start practising? Well, I need to get the degree out of the way. Even if I reschedule myself, hit that perfect productivity that lets me fit everything into my day, truth is I’m never going to be most-focused on anything apart from exams until they’re done. So… study now = pass exams in April = another huge chunk of the way to being done.

And then things start to tie together a LOT. Websites – yeah, obviously link to the degree. But next year’s last remaining module is multimedia design, requiring photoshop – learning which is a huge ‘wanna’. Other goals, like eating well, sleeping well, exercising, are going to help with those studying stresses (not to mention moving me towards the mental image of my physical form, when I’m being all brilliantly writer-artist-web guru!). Card making is keeping that creativity alive until I can focus on new skills more. Writing reviews does likewise for any other scribbling I want to do in the future. And so forth.

In other words… Wow. I think this just turned into a more profound entry than I realised. I feel semi-epiphany-ish. Or something. O.o

_{(image borrowed from www.fantom-xp.com/hl/)}

Stop making lists of things I want to do – and just get one with doing them! Any of them!!

This is where my motivation goal comes in, of course. What’s stopping me going and starting on a card right now, or finishing that review? These are things I want to do, activities I enjoy! Or there are ‘chores’ – the pile of tops sitting in the spare room, half-sorted; the studying to be done; the software to install!

And yet here I am. Well, change comes slowly: what can I do that isn’t too much ‘effort’ that won’t make me have to get up from the sofa? Just DO IT!!

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So I did. Put together and emailed my xmas list, and have started on a review. Hurrah!

for a long time, and I will continue to do it – I have a load of trigger-actions that I can do first thing in the morning that help me focus on the ways I want to change. I think I’ve reached a point where I am open to possibilities for change all the time in my daily life and it’s kind of embedded itself in my general outlook – so many things can change just in the space of a day or a week and that is what I love about life.

Squeeee! Okay, following a conversation yesterday that (a) reminded me I am still ‘promised’ to build this website, and (b) set my mind at rest that my inadequacies can be worked around, I committed myself to having a prototype done THIS WEEKEND! O.o

And – wow! Taking something that’s been dogging my lists for ages, giving me that vague sense of guilt that I wasn’t working on it (or likely to just start!) and ACTUALLY making it my main priority for a day and a half…! I mean, that’s all a first draft will take, I’m sure. I’ve prepped, I just need to code and fiddle, ready for feedback next week.

I can DO this – and then it’ll be off the list… and I can have another project!! :)

I challenged myself to do affirmations at the pool. For each length I made myself think of, and focus on, a new positive phrase, about the day ahead or my goals in general. It was really amazing!! There’s something about exercise that makes you feel more positive anyway, and doing affirmations during that time makes them really sink in – it really cemented my attitude for the day! It’s great, deliberate practice at controlling my thoughts and concentrating only on thoughts I wanted to have, and 30 minutes of solid positive thinking is a LOT!

I am going to try and do this every time I swim or run from now on, as it makes such a difference. I am already looking forward to it as my time for gratuitously thinking nice thoughts about myself and my life! Yay :D

i’ve been relatively healthy & better to myself for 2 days now, i’d like to please, please hav tomorrow the same way too… i guess that includes waking up in the morning & living up to the schedule, no, living the schedule up, please? i can do this, i just keep getting that feeling that i’m not ok, but the truth of the matter is i CAN do things right.