*~ Letters To My Hearts Husband!!!

where the f___ are you!??

In response to Uncle on this thread

I would like to say this.

I am perfectly aware of our age difference. I am even more aware of how much potential time we have.
{tell me if this doesn’t come out right or clear or is full of Tinaism}

So many people go through life not thinking about “what if”. They push it as far to the edges of their mind as they can. Thinking to not think about it, makes it less harsh or to not entertain “What if” keeps their heart safe from hurt again.

Even more go through life with an appreciative, true gratefulness.
Thankful for the simplest of things. Thankful for life, embracing each joy and still they close their hearts to a certain type of love.
They have no hope.

Others, become so hurt that their own self preservation is, to close them away. You’ve heard me talk about “The Hidden Room” behind my heart. I believe everybody has them.
These people give up “someday”, they’ve lost, all hope.

Hope is fuel to faith, you hope even the tinniest amount and it fuels the flame of “believe”. I took a long {sorry GN} way to say this.

Pain and suffering are not new to me, love.
I’ve seen loss early in my life and often. It’s my personal belief {it’s okay that no one agree with me} that death is not the end.

If you knew you had only five years to live, wouldn’t you cherish every moment. Make every decision and choice count to it’s fullest.
Would you grab and treasure life and love with all you have. For yourself, family, lover, friends.

How many people look at their age and think, I’ve 60 years still and life goes on and they become more hurt or jaded not taking those chances and enjoying what time they have.

I’ve still 40 years and they continue living a life that is not emotionally satisfying, not meeting any of their deep needs.

They see that they have “lots” of time and they take no chance with love.
They don’t revel in the tinniest of things.
They look at themselves and that door of love, that frees them, they don’t believe is for them.
{I’ve thought that about myself my entire life: I was put here to love but not be loved, the way I need}

I’m not making sense in a really long way {didn’t take my meds today… shrugs}

We are aware of the potential amount of time we have. The love you give is worth whatever price there is to pay.
I may not have 60 years with you, but each year will be treasured and cherished by me.
Each moment will be locked in my mind to relive when times are hard.
I will memorize the sound of your voice {have I not already} to hear you say those things to me again.

See, I might be alone and I will grieve.
Love does NOT die, it never goes away. Smile.
One night, 70 years of a life together… It is priceless to me, I will change nothing.

It doesn’t matter how much time “I Have” with you, because…

Someday Came…

This is my prayer for my heart’s husband:

I am reminding my heart and my mind that I am asking God and the universe for “MY ONE”. I have released my list of qualities that I seek in him. I am praying for My One’s day, for him to be ready for me and my life as I pray for me and my son to be ready for him.

I pray for My One’s strength so that he may go through his day and that he is able to go through what obstacles he may have too for him to find his way to me. My One is the one that will love me… ONLY me… and ALL of me. My One will need me just as much as I need him.

He may not know the things I know and maybe he doesn’t have the faith I do. I pray and call him to me. I pray for My One’s healing on his journey as he makes his way to me so that he is able to have fate bring him to me.

Lord, keep him safe, let him feel you and the love calling him to me. I thank God and Life for bringing HIM to me.

Thank you lord for all you are, Amen

a journal and now adding this goal… let’s hope he hears me.

the letters I write will not be so public. I’ll keep them in the special box for some time in the future.

Now and then I might toss up here a public one, but I have to put this off to the side for a bit.

Merry Christmas.

This will be the last one I celebrate with out you.

For True it will be.

I’ve been writing you letters, I just haven’t been posting them. I keep them in the journal. Telling you of my deep desires I’ve not shared with others, my hopes, fears, dreams…
You’ll read them some day.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, you know how certain things in life happen and you look at it all as a whole.

I get kind of tired sometimes. I get lonely, needy. I crave touch and affection. Sometimes it’s worse than others.

I wanted to tell you something, maybe you’ve figured this out already, or maybe it will help you not get to annoyed with me.

Sometimes I have to know I am loved, I have to know. I know we are all like this to some degree. I get scared, I want to push away. I know why I do it, I’m trying to learn not to.
I get scared that it’s not real, I’ve believed and it’s not real.

Sometimes I might sound detached, that is just because my emotions are so raw and near the surface that, I don’t want them puking on anyone. so I detach. All very stupid but not games. I don’t play games, although I am sure this is going to annoy the hell out of you.

Just like my need for affection, saying I love you, even emotional affection. I think I am way needy. I really don’t think it’s possible to say I love you to much, well LOL unless you don’t mean it. Then you should not say it, right.

I’ve designed a head board that I am hoping with all hope that you love. Cause someday, you’re going to be on that bed with me and checking out the HB… LMAO… I’m excited about it.

I crave touch, and I am getting to the need desperately point. So you best get your ass ready for me.
I’m not getting any younger you know.

Just me.

tattooed on his finger. I don’t think I will ever get married again. I love marriage, I loved the whole life of being married. I was my most happiest while married, I had my own family and all the varied Loves a family brings.

I had all the many ways a family touches: Husband, step children, children, friends, siblings, in laws. I thrived in the role of wife and mother. So I did truly enjoy it.

I LOVED having someone to take care of, someone to touch at 2 a.m.
Still I don’t think I’ll ever marry. It’s the commitment or lack there of that dictates the relationship. You can tell VERY early on if there is a respectful partnership…

Whether you will be listened to or your needs/wants considered with out having to voice them.
You will get the assurance, Reassurance {letter, call, note, talk, whatever it is} Long before you have to ask, “How much do you care about me?” “Am I important to you?” “Am I 3 or4 place…”

That need will be seen and answered by him/her way before you have to mention it. If you have to ask then that really needs to be heard, because she/he doesn’t really care the way you need. Dang I just went on a tangent.

I just mean commitment, faithfulness, devotion, honesty, those are things I am looking for. That doesn’t have to be in the form of marriage. NOW living together that is different. I Expect it. Unless we have houses side by side cause come 2a.m. I have needs {smiles sweetly}

There are many other reasons I don’t want a legal marriage. All of them financial: Taxes, child support, paying for my children’s college, to be perfectly honest.

Marriage is between 2 people anyway, so there is something I really really want and I know this is going to sound silly.
I want tattooed rings. If my man wants to get me a stone, I’m all for it, go ahead Mr. Man. I adore precious and semiprecious gems.

Still I want what would be, or is that, in the place that a wedding band would be I want a tattooed ring. A symbol of the love and commitment through wonderful days of laughter and times I am exhausting {you know how imperfect I am}

I seriously need to design these, Oh did I mention we both were getting them. I’ve been looking at designs for the past couple days. I want to draw my own but, I wanted to get some inspiration. The fingers are a tough place to have them, the colour bleeds quick and messes up most designs. So a good artist knows he/she can not go deep, and when you can’t go deep, you have to use a darker colour and the possibility of it fading and needing to be touched up or even redone in a few years is high.

I know it sounds like a silly idea. I am such a Sensitive person, I don’t think anyone but those from my past realize how sensitive I really am. Romantic too.

So, I need to get designing cause he could just come knocking on my door today, you never know.

and cry myself to sleep…

Emotional affection is what I am missing right now. Wow, I didn’t realize how much I need that, you know loving concern and kind words, sweet stuff.

Alrighty, I’m goin’ to bed. I am way to sad to be sitting here crying my stupid eyes out. I can do that in bed.

Sigh… Emotional affection, being wanted… Right.

I think I am going to listen to some Bocelli and Etta James, and continue to fall in to this sadness.

Sometimes you just get tired and you Need to be wanted.
Ehhh, NO biggie. I am going to listen to this music, take my self to bed and rock me. LMAO

I am just feeling kind of low right now. oh well.