Dear 43 Things Users,

10 years after introducing 43 Things to the world, we have decided we have met our last goal: completing the incredible experience that has been 43 Things. Please join us in giving one last cheer to all the folks who have shared their goals with the world, as well as all the people who have worked at The Robot Co-op to build this incredible website. We won a Webby Award, published a book, and brought happiness to a lot of people.

Starting today, 43 Things users can export their goals and entries from the site. Starting August 15, we will make the site “read only”. 43 Things users will still be able to view the site and export their content, but we won’t be taking any new content from users. We hope to leave the site up for folks to see and download their content until the end of the year. Ending on New Year’s Eve takes us full circle.

It has been a long ride (one of our original goals was to "build a company that lasts at least 2 years” - we beat that one!) While we wish the site could live on, it has suffered from a number of challenges - changes in how people use the site, the advertising industry, and how search engines view the site. We wish the outcome was different – but we’ve always been realistic about when our goals are met and when they aren't.

As of today, you will be able to download your goals and entries. See more about that on the FAQ page. Thanks for 10 great years of goal-setting and achieving.

- The Robots.

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*~ Letters To My Hearts Husband!!!


 

Recent activity

~ Julie ~Ya know...

where the f___ are you!?? 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~I have something to say: Please and Thank you.

In response to Uncle on this thread

I would like to say this.

I am perfectly aware of our age difference. I am even more aware of how much potential time we have.
{tell me if this doesn’t come out right or clear or is full of Tinaism}

So many people go through life not thinking about “what if”. They push it as far to the edges of their mind as they can. Thinking to not think about it, makes it less harsh or to not entertain “What if” keeps their heart safe from hurt again.

Even more go through life with an appreciative, true gratefulness.
Thankful for the simplest of things. Thankful for life, embracing each joy and still they close their hearts to a certain type of love.
They have no hope.

Others, become so hurt that their own self preservation is, to close them away. You’ve heard me talk about “The Hidden Room” behind my heart. I believe everybody has them.
These people give up “someday”, they’ve lost, all hope.

Hope is fuel to faith, you hope even the tinniest amount and it fuels the flame of “believe”. I took a long {sorry GN} way to say this.

Pain and suffering are not new to me, love.
I’ve seen loss early in my life and often. It’s my personal belief {it’s okay that no one agree with me} that death is not the end.

If you knew you had only five years to live, wouldn’t you cherish every moment. Make every decision and choice count to it’s fullest.
Would you grab and treasure life and love with all you have. For yourself, family, lover, friends.

How many people look at their age and think, I’ve 60 years still and life goes on and they become more hurt or jaded not taking those chances and enjoying what time they have.

I’ve still 40 years and they continue living a life that is not emotionally satisfying, not meeting any of their deep needs.

They see that they have “lots” of time and they take no chance with love.
They don’t revel in the tinniest of things.
They look at themselves and that door of love, that frees them, they don’t believe is for them.
{I’ve thought that about myself my entire life: I was put here to love but not be loved, the way I need}

I’m not making sense in a really long way.

We are aware of the potential amount of time we have. The love you give is worth whatever price there is to pay.
I may not have 60 years with you, but each year will be treasured and cherished by me.
Each moment will be locked in my mind to relive when times are hard.
I will memorize the sound of your voice {have I not already} to hear you say those things to me again.

See, I might be alone and I will grieve.
Love does NOT die, it never goes away. Smile.
One night, 70 years of a life together… It is priceless to me, I will change nothing.

It doesn’t matter how much time “I Have” with you, because…

Someday Came… 6 years ago


~ Julie ~a prayer

This is my prayer for my heart’s husband:

I am reminding my heart and my mind that I am asking God and the universe for “MY ONE”. I have released my list of qualities that I seek in him. I am praying for My One’s day, for him to be ready for me and my life as I pray for me and my son to be ready for him.

I pray for My One’s strength so that he may go through his day and that he is able to go through what obstacles he may have too for him to find his way to me. My One is the one that will love me… ONLY me… and ALL of me. My One will need me just as much as I need him.

He may not know the things I know and maybe he doesn’t have the faith I do. I pray and call him to me. I pray for My One’s healing on his journey as he makes his way to me so that he is able to have fate bring him to me.

Lord, keep him safe, let him feel you and the love calling him to me. I thank God and Life for bringing HIM to me.

Thank you lord for all you are, Amen 6 years ago


~ Julie ~I have started

a journal and now adding this goal… let’s hope he hears me. 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~I think that for a while

the letters I write will not be so public. I’ll keep them in the special box for some time in the future.

Now and then I might toss up here a public one, but I have to put this off to the side for a bit. 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~Smile....

Merry Christmas.

This will be the last one I celebrate with out you.

For True it will be. 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~My Heart is a little heavy today.

I’ve been writing you letters, I just haven’t been posting them. I keep them in the journal. Telling you of my deep desires I’ve not shared with others, my hopes, fears, dreams…
You’ll read them some day.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, you know how certain things in life happen and you look at it all as a whole.

I get kind of tired sometimes. I get lonely, needy. I crave touch and affection. Sometimes it’s worse than others.

I wanted to tell you something, maybe you’ve figured this out already, or maybe it will help you not get to annoyed with me.

Sometimes I have to know I am loved, I have to know. I know we are all like this to some degree. I get scared, I want to push away. I know why I do it, I’m trying to learn not to.
I get scared that it’s not real, I’ve believed and it’s not real.

Sometimes I might sound detached, that is just because my emotions are so raw and near the surface that, I don’t want them puking on anyone. so I detach. All very stupid but not games. I don’t play games, although I am sure this is going to annoy the hell out of you.

Just like my need for affection, saying I love you, even emotional affection. I think I am way needy. I really don’t think it’s possible to say I love you to much, well LOL unless you don’t mean it. Then you should not say it, right.

I’ve designed a head board that I am hoping with all hope that you love. Cause someday, you’re going to be on that bed with me and checking out the HB… LMAO… I’m excited about it.

I crave touch, and I am getting to the need desperately point. So you best get your ass ready for me.
I’m not getting any younger you know.

Just me. 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~Somebody has my Name

tattooed on his finger. I don’t think I will ever get married again. I love marriage, I loved the whole life of being married. I was my most happiest while married, I had my own family and all the varied Loves a family brings.

I had all the many ways a family touches: Husband, step children, children, friends, siblings, in laws. I thrived in the role of wife and mother. So I did truly enjoy it.

I LOVED having someone to take care of, someone to touch at 2 a.m.
Still I don’t think I’ll ever marry. It’s the commitment or lack there of that dictates the relationship. You can tell VERY early on if there is a respectful partnership…

Whether you will be listened to or your needs/wants considered with out having to voice them.
You will get the assurance, Reassurance {letter, call, note, talk, whatever it is} Long before you have to ask, “How much do you care about me?” “Am I important to you?” “Am I 3 or4 place…”

That need will be seen and answered by him/her way before you have to mention it. If you have to ask then that really needs to be heard, because she/he doesn’t really care the way you need. Dang I just went on a tangent.

I just mean commitment, faithfulness, devotion, honesty, those are things I am looking for. That doesn’t have to be in the form of marriage. NOW living together that is different. I Expect it. Unless we have houses side by side cause come 2a.m. I have needs {smiles sweetly}

There are many other reasons I don’t want a legal marriage. All of them financial: Taxes, child support, paying for my children’s college, to be perfectly honest.

Marriage is between 2 people anyway, so there is something I really really want and I know this is going to sound silly.
I want tattooed rings. If my man wants to get me a stone, I’m all for it, go ahead Mr. Man. I adore precious and semiprecious gems.

Still I want what would be, or is that, in the place that a wedding band would be I want a tattooed ring. A symbol of the love and commitment through wonderful days of laughter and times I am exhausting {you know how imperfect I am}

I seriously need to design these, Oh did I mention we both were getting them. I’ve been looking at designs for the past couple days. I want to draw my own but, I wanted to get some inspiration. The fingers are a tough place to have them, the colour bleeds quick and messes up most designs. So a good artist knows he/she can not go deep, and when you can’t go deep, you have to use a darker colour and the possibility of it fading and needing to be touched up or even redone in a few years is high.

I know it sounds like a silly idea. I am such a Sensitive person, I don’t think anyone but those from my past realize how sensitive I really am. Romantic too.

So, I need to get designing cause he could just come knocking on my door today, you never know. 6 years ago


~*Serenity*~Well it's time to go

and cry myself to sleep…

Emotional affection is what I am missing right now. Wow, I didn’t realize how much I need that, you know loving concern and kind words, sweet stuff.

Alrighty, I’m goin’ to bed. I am way to sad to be sitting here crying my stupid eyes out. I can do that in bed.

Sigh… Emotional affection, being wanted… Right. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~Seren is having a sad day.... Watch every one run.

I think I am going to listen to some Bocelli and Etta James, and continue to fall in to this sadness.

Sometimes you just get tired and you Need to be wanted.
Ehhh, NO biggie. I am going to listen to this music, take my self to bed and rock me. LMAO

I am just feeling kind of low right now. oh well. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~I am in such a Sweet Tender Loving Mood

today…

Gentle and just tender…

I think today, any man would be proud to have me on his side.

I need to write another letter I am thinking.

I am a good women, very loving and well, I am WORTH the effort, I’m worth having, I’m worth the time, and the attention.

I am… 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~Not a letter, How about a note

I NEED Touches… Not just physical touches although those are the best.

Remember please that written word and voice touches are as needed as your hand or lips…

No matter how long we’ve been together I can promise you, hearing your voice when you call will excite me as much as the first time.

Reading words meant Only for me, will warm my heart as quickly as your hand warms my flesh.

I am a needy girl. I need all sorts of touches. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~There are times when I am Tender

My heart seems to be a wasteland of raw emotions.
I am only warning you. These times come quick and seem to stay for a day or to. I need so much affection, attention, love, sweet words and honest sentiment.

I don’t know why I get this way and I wish it was not so bad, but the sooner you see it and know it the better off we will be.

I know I am a pain in the ass, oh hell I know I am hard to deal with. I want a lot of affection and I don’t have a problem saying I do. Just know that I never ask for anything I will not give to you.

I don’t mean to be difficult, I just get so tender and all I want is to feel that closeness, physically and emotionally. I crave it.

So if you can’t stand to be touched constantly…
sigh…. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~I don't know where to put this, I just want to write

I am so tender today… My heart is VERY soft and believe it or not, I am SO vunurable.

It’s been so long since I’ve been touched. By, my children, family friends, Yes I have. I’m not lacking for those Hugs or touches, and I am very thankful.

I could easily get fucked by a man or women. I am not talking about that touch.

The kind of touch where he sees that my back hurting and reaches out because he wants to and just touches it.
Kissing my tears away from my cheeks.
It’s been way to long and this person, this body is not made to go with out physical and emotional affection for long.

I am just so sensitive hearted today, My spirit is careful.
I am not overly emotional. Just tender hearted.

Sigh…

I Give Up.7 years ago


~*Serenity*~Instead of a Letter, how about a pictorial.

I hope things like this : MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU AS WELL.

MY HEART IS FOUND HERE.

MY PEACE

MY HOPE OF YOU KNOWING EVEN THE HIDDEN PARTS OF ME.

MY LIGHT

THE JOY OF LOVING

THE BEAUTY OF A NEW DAY TOGETHER

KNOWING WHAT TO DO WHEN THESE DAYS COME.

JUST SOME THINGS I SURE HOPE ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU.
THEY ARE TO ME. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~HI, I'm so glad you've come. I've waited a long time.

Please let me know if you see the Beauty of me.
The part of me that sneaks into a heart and makes it want.
That part of me that walks through the mind many times through out the day…
That part of me I am so unaware of, I’ve been told about it, I think I like that part. It makes me feel special. Well, I sometimes think or wish I knew it was alive in me…
Working even if slowly.

Please let me know if you see the Beauty of me. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~Dear One.

Ask how my day was. Even if it’s not so interesting. Just asking shows you care about me and what I’ve done and what I am thinking.

Play with my hair sometimes. I don’t often let people touch my hair, it is a very tender, gentle expression to me. Just play with it.

Tell me you want to hold me. For no reason, just to feel my skin next to yours. Take me in your arms and pull me close. I know how long hard days of work are, it’s likely I won’t ask. So just pull me to you. That will say I love you more than a thousand roses.

Let me know that I’ve crossed your mind. Maybe it was something funny you seen and you wanted to tell me. Or you remembered the morning we shared and me laying in your arms laughing after word.
Tell me you thought of me. That warms my heart, to know I am in it when I’m no where around.

Listen to me even when I make no sense to myself. Don’t just brush my tears away, kiss them.
Your heart speaks when you kiss them, telling me you may not understand, but my hurt you don’t want to see.

In the mornings before I open my eyes. Put your arms around me and whisper “mine”... I’ll hear you.

No matter the others in our world, those who pull for your time. Those who you freely give your time to. All those who are so very interesting to you, who challenge, who entertain you. Let me know my Importance.

Understand that there are times I am tough and times I am tender. Sometimes those tender times are hard to deal with. You don’t have to have answers. Just let me know that you value me.
That you value my emotions, my feelings, my needs and my wants.

Respect me and the way I am, as I respect you.
Let me know if you’ve missed me. I know we have spent the day together. If I should cross your mind while were apart. Just let me know. It is the little things, that cause the heart to beat faster. It’s the little things that cause the heart to beat stronger.

It’s the little things that will wear away the stony complexion and soften the smile.

Just ask how I am doing “Really” let me know that what I think and feel matters. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~It is going to take such a strong man, to love me.

I keep coming back to this, my mind seems to not let it go.
Such a strong, capable, understanding man…

His strength will be in his gentle affection.

I will quietly walk through his mind while he is working and silently fill his heart while he is thinking…
I just know I will enter his soul and hold him in such a quiet manner, a surprise with out all the fanfare.

He will just notice that as the day grows long, he thought of me more often than just fleeting. His desire to touch me, to tease me with pleasure will grow daily. His need to hear me, to have me hold and sooth him, will be unquenchable.

Such a strong man it will take to love me.
I’ve loved but three times in my life. This last love “My One” I have never loved to such a degree, not to this dept, or level of trust with “who I truly am”.

Some times I think there are no more chances and I am fighting a lost cause. The choice has been made and I am nothing on the scale of “will be”...

Still, my love remains and I stand.
Fear is often a lonely place. Quiet strength, gentle lovingness, calm understanding. Do you have those qualities in abundance. He will be all those things. Solid, consistent, truth.

Will I fulfill your needs, offer your wants. A strong man to hold my soul and find my beauty.

I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~There are times I worry about this.

that there will be a part of me a side to me that I can’t share with you. I want you to know all the pieces and parts of who I am. I hope you enjoy the little things in life as much as I do.

Seeing beauty in a shared moment at 4 am.
How about the way I sleep… This is silly, but I want you to like the way I sleep maybe even compliment it.

I do worry, I don’t want to deny some of my passionate things any more. I’ve done that my whole life and it seems as if some door has been opened and fresh air has entered and I can breath again.

I don’t want to go back, I only want to go forward.

I hope little silly things that make me happy or intrigue me will appeal to you. Like, having you take a nap in my lap.

Little things like that.
Us taking care of one another, I want to be the only one.
That is not to much to ask is it.
That I be first and not always behind everyone in the world. I am the only one. I know I should not talk about the past and what others have done to me, I am and have been healing and will continue to do so.
But, I don’t want to share you with others. NOT emotionally, physically I just don’t want to do that. It will just break everything down, I will share me with others and when I share me, I take away from you…
I don’t want that sort of relationship, I want to give YOU my all.
The all no one else has gotten… the sides of me that house the kinkier things I suppose, it is so important to me that I be able to share that.

Trust and Love: such an awesome combination. I know, that when I have you, the partner I am to live life with, I will have both of those in abundance. I will have that trust to the point of complete comfort ability…

complete surrender and abandonment to the Us. don’t laugh at me. read between the lines the things I was not able to put into words. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~I Figured Something Out....

I think I’m gonna like not being alone. Yeah, Duh…
I know, I know, What the hell.
I like my alone time. I don’t required a lot of people around me, in order to be happy. I don’t need my ego constantly feed so that I feel whole. I don’t need to hear from 15 what ONLY ONE can say to lift my heart.

Yesterday I had my mammo. I was so flippin’ nervous. I didn’t tell anyone “Exactly Why” I had to have the Mammo… Well, I told My Girl Tarts, I didn’t tell anyone else. I hate being a burden, and I have some serious issues being where I am not wanted. Hell, even if I Think I’m not wanted, I will walk the other damn direction…
Back to the burden part. Sometimes those I care most about, well they may not feel the same, so at what point are you to inflict your fear or your concerns…
Anthony knew I was having my exam, he knew how nervous I was, he knows my family, so he know the struggle My Auntie is facing.
The only reason I am bring Ant up is to prove a point {even if I am scattered doing that right now}. Him and I broke up a long time ago {so many reasons, I don’t want to talk about now} he still calls me often, he still professes his undying, unfailing love for me {I do believe he loves me, sometimes, even if your whole heart and soul loves, it’s still not meant to be, what a harsh lesson} He is with someone and trying to have a happy life… So my point, on his way to work yesterday morning, he called and of course we talk about everything, we share some of the same friends, the same hometown,etc… He knows the inflections of my voice, so when we talked about the mammo, he told me, your more scared than you’re letting on…I got the obligatory you’re going to be fine, you’re always fine. Yes, I know but I am still nervous… That is when the subject change happened {new tires for his car, umm okay let’s talk bout that}
It wasn’t till I was going to bed last night that it dawned on me, he had not called to ask anything about the exam… nothing.
I wasn’t sad about it, it didn’t even bother me, I just found it illuminating is all…

Now yesterday morning, very early a friend LOLOL, the friend was Uncle: I think I can say that now… he is so good to me was talking to me, and I told him I was nervous, he told me everything would be okay, and he talked to me about it… He even went so far as to tell me he would go with me If he could… I was kinda floored by that… I am used to doing things alone, so that just surprised me.
Before the exam, all dressed up in those damn gowns that will NOT cover my breast I’m standing there waiting for the Tech to come in so we can get this damn thing over with and I hear my voicemail beeping. I had the time why not listen, and there was a message from the friend encouraging me, telling me he was thinking about me and I would be okay…
I didn’t feel alone anymore. He may not know what that meant to me, he may not understand how that touched my heart.

I realized I don’t want to be alone anymore…I know I am a strong women, self sufficient, capable I just liked the idea of someone caring about even a routine exam. So in such a long drawn out way, I am saying that yesterday really showed me my heart. No, I won’t need anyone to hold my hand each and every time I go to the Drs. But Damn, it sure felt good to know someone cares for me… I don’t think I can explain the feeling I really don’t to say I didn’t feel alone, simply just doesn’t describe it…

I want that in my life. I’ve come to realize that I like being taken care of. I do, and I don’t think I want it any other way.
I thank Anthony and My Friend for showing me that…
I want someone there to kiss my owies to hold my hand, to tell me I and it will be okay…
The funny thing is, when the friend told me, I felt peace, I felt safe, If I could tell him {I will tell him, I’ll write a note, whether he wants it, cares or not I will tell him how I appreciate that} When the pain was so bad and the tech apologised for the tearing, she kept asking are you okay, I have to take more.. I just closed my eyes, and I remembered the friends voice and that message he left, tears slipped from my eyes I took a deep breath…. I”m fine Baby, make it tighter, I need to know for certain. I would rather endure pain now then to suffer much more later…
I hope this all made sense to you…
I like the idea of someone taking care of me and checking in or up on me… I think I like it alot. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~My Word How things have changed in the past 9 months.

I have come to truly understand this about me.
I can not deal with any more drama. I just can not do it.
I am way beyond a persons actions speaking one way and their mouth another. I don’t want the head games that seem to run rampant with people. I am not meaning to say that you need to be sheer perfection {Lord Knows I am not}...

I just can’t deal with any arguing or fighting or nonsense.
I want the peace and the quiet. The Home.
Silly huh, that I long for home. When I first moved to Texas, I longed for home and then after a while I realized it was the familiar I was in need of. I’ve always been surrounded by people, always had someone to call if I wanted to talk or someone to see if I wanted company. My home was my safety.. Very and I mean very, few people came to my home.

That was my private place.. I am a very private person.. I know it seems funny saying that with all I’ve divulged on this site, but I am. Certain things are so close to my heart that they are not allowed to be public. I may write about a portion of how I feel but at some point, I get a grip on those emotions and they come out less and less.

My children, they would be one of those I hold close. Do you value children… Humm, I will see through that in a hot second.

Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, don’t try to rescue me. You can take care of me, as long as I get to take care of you. Just don’t try to fix everything wrong. Listen sometimes… That is all I want.

Back to the games of people. There is always time to walk away time to change things up. I am very adaptable, but, once I say I am becoming attached. That is when the heart will be hurt.
I know this may not be understood. I can say I Love You and mean it.. I love pretty easy, it’s easy to say and I never say it and not mean it. However, if I tell you I am becoming attached, ohhhhh, all that says is, my heart belongs to you.

Please, Please be gental with me. I don’t think I can handle anymore heart hurt. I am so at the end of my rope with that.
I write these and the private letters to you now because it’s a way to get emotions out…. The truth is, I don’t think I will recover from the {attachment} this time.

Oh well, life is funny isn’t it. You wait, you hope, you take the chance, you fall.

I can be proud of this fact. I have taken the chance, I was so very scared but, I did it.. I loved freely, I loved unconditionally, I still love completly. It’s who I am. So maybe I just need more time. I don’t know.. I really don’t know…

Right now, I am feeling rather empty. Just have nothing left, I am so tired. Unbelievably tired. So why would I write this to you, why will I still {if given the chance} give this to you.

so that you can see, that even in this darkness of little hope in this area of life. Even during this time of uncertainty, when I feel so blasted tired and unwanted. So alone and unneeded. I still have a little hope, that someday…...
Just someday…....

Well, you can see that even in the darkness, a light burns. It may not be a bright light or one that calls to calm and soothe. Still yet, there is a flicker of light within my heart.

Shall I celebrate that or blow it out.

talking to much again I see. Rambling as well7 years ago


~*Serenity*~HI

I wanted to tell you, I’ve probably said this in earlier letters, so please bear with me.

I don’t care about being married. My mother and I were talking about this yesterday {my parents have been married 42 years}
I walk to my own music, and having to be married doesn’t matter to me. NOT that I wouldn’t be married still. I think that marriage and divorce start long before that piece of paper is signed.

I do care about devotion, commitment, communication, honesty, trust. All those things come long before the standing before a judge or pastor.

I am soooooooooo NOT perfect and I want to thank you for seeing something in me to love. I’ve learned a lot this past year. I’ve learned a lot from my past loves. So much laughter, smiles, tears, and pain.

It is not easy loving me. Sometimes I get frantic and drama seems to surround me. It takes a strong man to be a part of my world. I have so many sides of my person, you would nearly have to be an expert in adaptation in order to survive a day with me.

I want to thank you. For what….

Loving me, for deciding or choosing to stay.
I know it’s difficult. I am such an emotional person and feelings swirl around my being like snow flakes in a blizzard.

There are so many pieces and parts to me it’s like a huge puzzle. I am a complete person, but there is a piece missing deep inside.

I try to be so strong. So independent {I don’t need your help, I will do it on my own, I am fine, you didn’t hurt me, whatever}

Yeah, all fake… I’m not strong, I am not fine, I was hurt, I do need help. I suppose you’ve seen this side to me by now.
Your still here.. Wow, now I am impressed.

I don’t have much time.. It’s amazing how we take for granted life and the amount of time we have. Some of us let the loves of our past destroy us, for fear of hurt.
Others hold the past up as a beacon of perfection, that never can be meassured up to.

I won’t compare you to my past Three Loves. You are not them, I’ve learned so much from each of them. I am so thankful for the lessons and the opportunity to love them. So very thankful for they taught me so much that I can not even begin to tell you about it.

Thank you for learning what the past loves were to teach you, for allowing it to make you a much better person, and for finding your way to me.

I know things are not always easy for us. I am sure there are days my stubbornness makes you want to choke the life out of me.

But, I am also sure there are times when I smile up at you, that you see all that love dancing in my eyes. I guess it balances out….

You are my strength when I am weak… I am the feelings when you can’t explain yours. See a balance… I don’t have much more time.

If I don’t see you in this life. Promise you will find me in the next. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~It's so funny being me....

There are times I feel so much like the 16 year old wondering if she will ever have the love returned to the same depth and degree that I love…

Other times I am the women who knows all of what I need and want.. A complete full understanding of me. My sexuality, my heart and even my mind.

I see things about me that I simply need to accept. There is no changing. NO rearranging.

I wonder will I be enough. When all the sensuality of me is stripped away.
Will I be enough…
When you realize that politics are not something I am interested in.. When you see that knowing fine wines may be interesting but the song playing on the turntable holds my fascination more, will that be endearing or one of those small thing that drives you nuts.

I am not about the wonders of the world.. I am however into the wonders of the heart. I just sometimes fear am I enough.
My intelligence, the things that feed my soul.
I cry during sad movies. I will tear up when I see a little one find wonder in a flower…. I suppose I should be more concerned with the plight of the world.
Instead of my world consisting of my desire to see each individual heal and come to a better understanding of themselves personally.

I don’t know world affairs. I am just one of those simple people who know how important it is for the spirit to dance.
I often make no sense to the intelligent…

I am a free spirit. An all encompassing beating heart of love.
I don’t say that with haughtiness. I merely say that as an explanation of why I process and feel as I do.

I am not entertainment, I am not Witty, I don’t have the ability to entrance the world with my wondrous talent.
I am just me. Nothing special, noone outstanding in my beauty.

I love old things with history. New and shiny, well that is not for me… Gold, so funny…. I am not Gold I am silver.

I am so simply in who I am. So simple in what pleases me.
I laugh a lot, sometimes at the simplest things. I love to smile and if it’s not fun.. I have issues.
Even my bed… Must be fun….
sigh…. sometimes I try so hard to put words to the feelings.
I fail more often times than not…

I wonder…......
Will I be enough..
or is my drama far too much…
only time will tell me that huh.. 7 years ago


~*Serenity*~Understanding

I want someone to touch the Soul of Me, my heart, my love. Not just the sexuality of who I am.
I want tremendous amounts of affection. Romance, hugs, touching, holding hands, kissing that all is more important to me then sex. It enhances any and every single sexual act.
I love the Sensual , erotic, kinky, freaky side to me. I love that I cam interested in so many things and that I am willing to experiment. I have to have the Emotional tender side to me wanted.

There is a balance of harmony in me concerning these two parts. When I was younger I thought they were diametrical.
So I created it more and more, the separation of emotion and love from sexuality and release. It serves it’s purpose, can be done and is even fulfilling. However, there was a missing piece that was unsatisfying. I was never completely satisfied.

As I got older became a little more aware and accepting of my needs physically. I started to wonder / know that the two were not diametrically opposed but rather symbiotic in nature.
I Need both to be satisfied. With lots of tender, gentle love making, being touched often, emotional affection as well as physical {but no freaky kinky things} I was not satisfied. There was a missing piece to my puzzle.
So the two sides merge for fulfilment and complete satisfaction.
The freaky, erotic, touches the loving soft: This would be my perfection.
Romance, affection {emotional – physical} attention, time {which I believe is the greatest gift you can give me} exploration, nasty, dirty toy filled moments. All of it encompasses who I am , who and what I NEED. A spirit who not only can but will match my furiosity and passion one minute and fall with me into the tender nearly sublime the next.
Respect of my emotions and feelings, safety in my physical needs, to know that I am the only one {no lies} and that me being who I am is simply enough.
I don’t {can’t} have just one part of me desired {I will test that}. if only one part is desired, the rest of who I am will start to grieve and the yearning begins.

I then will go find someone to satisfy that . I hate to admit that I am this way {not really, I just don’t think I will explain it well}.
First marriage {commitment of any kind} is sacred to me. Being in a committed relationship I will not just seek someone outside of the commitment. I don’t commit easily for this reason.
I’m not afraid, I love being monogamous. I can and am a very loyal faithful women.
If there is no commitment and it’s understood that there is not, by all the person’s involved. When a part of me is not wanted I will seek someone to satisfy that. In my past I have had more than one person I was talking to {seeing} {gasp, What!} the one who I talked to, had deep meaningful intelligent conversations with. The one who was the kinky ass who would do crazy things with me and the one who made love touched my tenderness. This way all parts and pieces of who I was had a touch of satisfaction with out me forcing all of me on just one person.. This probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.. Sigh…...

I don’t want that anymore.. I don’t want three men in order for me to feel like all of me is getting the affection I need and want. I want that one person who will match my intensity.. I don’t want to seperate the parts of me again. I want each side to be just as important to him as he is to me…
Wouldn’t it just be wonderful if I were normal. 8 years ago


~*Serenity*~To you Love.

Will You come into my heart….

Will you Stay….

Will you Gently explore the chambers
in my Soul and still see Beauty.

Serenity 10-14-04 8 years ago


~*Serenity*~I want to tell you. I am trying.

I have been so hurt in my past. I know most of the world has. I am not ever going to say I have been through more or harder.
I just want you to know that I am trying. Even now I am and when we are together I will.. I don’t want you to be punished for all the mistakes of the men before you. And please don’t punish me for what other women have done.
There is a lot of my life that you may find hard to believe {it all happened} things that may make you cringe and cry {it made me who I am}. I love to Dance…. *I dance all the time. When I went out that was the only reason I went. I dance around the house. I dance to hip hop.. {yeah, I can dance like that} and I love stepping. Oh how I hope you love to step. Or at the least slow dance. There are times I just want you to take me in your arms, lets say, I am cooking and we are listening to Etta. Take me in your arms and dance around the kitchen with me… I am showing you my tender side.

Trust has always been hard for me. I want you to understand why {please try to}. I am so much better than I was. I was betrayed so many times in life.. I was molested as a child {not my father} I was raped as a teen. I have suffered physical abuse as well as mental. Men, see in me this heart that will love unconditionally and they see this face. The Sexuality of me. So for many reasons, I have been used. Like most people in the world. I am such a sensitive person and I have had my heart shredded more times than I haven’t. I have been used, abused, cheated on, and abandoned. I am telling you this only so you know how far I have come. All these things as horrible as they are have made me who I am. {loving, considerate, honest, trustworthy, sincere.}.. I have been shot at more than once. Have you ever seen someone beaten until they were just a crumpled mess on the floor. {I have}. When I was oh about 15 I stepped in to stop someone I love very much from being hit again.. Instead this man over six foot 250 pounds Hit me. I literally went from one end of the room into the other. *I am strong. I am only giving you incidents {examples} by now you will know that there are many more stories and more to each one.

When my Ex Husband left. My house was in foreclosure, My children were so young. He put me through hell that last year. It was emotional torment like I had not ever dreamed. I saved my house, I took care of my babies, I worked ungodly amounts of overtime {sometimes, just so I didn’t think} I was so lonely. So afraid. I got cancer then and everything I owned was stolen. The day of my surgery, I got a check from the insurance company, I bought some things and had them moved into the house. I missed only one day of work. My babies had to eat. They needed their Mama to provide for them. So three days later everything was stolen again. I lost thousands. but it was only material possessions.. I lived between two crack houses. The raids would terrify my children. I would hear them coming down the street, after putting my babies on the floor, it was a mad dash to make sure all windows and doors were locked {addicts don’t think straight they would run to any house not being raided and then you were at their mercy.{we survived 5 raids in one summer} The house next door had parties all the time there would be gun fights, So I slept with my children on the floor {bulletts tend to go straight or up} your just safest laying on the floor.

During this time I found out the only sibling living in the same state as me was a Heroin and crack addict. Oh the hell you live when your brother is an addict. I was never allowed to sleep. I worked third and all during the day he would come beat on the door for money. Every time he was beaten My hospital called me in. To many stories to tell.
I survived.. I lived through it all. I made it, I am stronger now. It took me years to dig myself out of the financial mess I was left with when K left. I believe my brother had something to do with my house being broken into.
Wow, such drama huh.. Sorry, but it only a snap shot into my life. I am telling you this in my rather unsuccessful way. To show you, I may have trust issues but I can love. I don’t seek others attention, I can help my own self. I will never allow myself to be hit by a man, and I won’t hit you {self defence is some thing entirely different}. I know what if feels like to be lied to at every turn. To have trust betrayed on a whim. I won’t lie, I suppose I am capable as we all are.. I simply won’t do it.{that is a choice}
I know My Value is not in my body. {I am human and a women, I love being told how you feel about me.. sexy sensual, pretty what ever words you feel} I am so affectionate. See having men use my body when I was a child didn’t take that away. I am not an unemotional person. I am sincere and honest and loving. I think this letter should have been about wonderful sunshiny things. Well, life is tough sometimes. Just know this.
I have worked on being a better me since I was 15, I work on unrealistic expectation I place upon myself. I have learned and I have grown. I am strong, I am a survivor. I am determined.
I will work on any problem we will face in life. I am not perfect and I don’t expect you to be. No yelling and screaming in my home. {okay I have a teenager and a preteen} so let me say this. No yelling, screaming or belittling one another. Respect. Treat one another the way we ourselves want to be treated. I have made so many mistakes, bad choices in life. ]
I can smile though. I am always improving. I am always changing. It is a constant evolution, becoming me. Thank you for reading this, it’s easy to read happy great past experiences {I promise I will write one of those soon too}. Maybe this cast some light onto me. Maybe I just made a mistake in writing it and not ripping it up. {or delete}. But, if one person in this life comes away saying, I am not alone. My purpose has been served.My past does not control me, but to say it doesn’t matter is to deny the power of growth. Besides, you wanted to know why I was so strong. How many reasons did you find in here?
Light and Love… 8 years ago


~*Serenity*~This is what I mean when I say I love you.

This is what I mean when I say I Love You
I am saying I commit to you: I Honor you.
I honor your decisions: I honor your choices. I trust you will do the right thing, to bring to you peace and joy.
When I tell you I Love You
I am saying I am faithful to you. you are the one I desire to share my world with!
With you I want to travel the path God has layed out for us.
When I say I Love You…
I am accepting your imperfections the way I hope you accept mine.’
I am saying I am commited to you, to this relationship, to me.
The commitment of growth and understanding. Forgiveness and Healing.
When I tell you I Love You’
I am saying that with in each triel I will give “My All” to you. I will stand with you and fight when the time comes.
When I say I Love You
I am begging to be heard and for your heart to explode wide open with the realization of “possiblities”.
When I tell you I Love You
I am saying that the Rest of me: The best of who I am I find completed in your life.
When I say I love You
I am telling you the truth about my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts.
When I tell you I Love you
I say to you, I see limitations and bounderies as ways both you and I can show our strength. To push beyond what is expected by others to see ourselves shine.
When I say I Love you
I am saying I have hope of a life of togetherness: of future nights in your arms.
When I tell you I Love you
I am saying I Believe that the love of “Us” strikes the cord of harmony.
When I say
” I Love You”
I am proclaiming hope. I am telling you I have hope: I Believe. In two seperate individuals both strong, both ready, both surviving.. Who when joined together creates “One”...
I am saying it with humbleness, with awe and admiration of who you are.
I am saying I respect your words. I respect your thoughts, I respect your life.
When I tell you I Love you
I am saying that I not only love the child you was, I love the man you have become. I will galdly hold you, support you, encouarge you, and if at all possiable give you strength.. There are so many things not said when I say i love you.. So many things I am not able to express.. Mostly , Mainly,
I Love you!!! says, I am proud of you… I apperciate who you are..
I am proud of your determination, your desire to accomplish. I am proud of how you have grown. How you have changed, How you are.. I love you such a easy thing to say…..... But when said with emotion, truth, feeling.. I love you transforms..
That is what your love has done..
I Love You.

FAITH ~ HOPE ~ LOVE : BELIEVE8 years ago


~*Serenity*~1-23-5

My Love,
I have not rosy eyes about love or marriage. I have been called a cynic. I know what I hope to have in a life partner. I know the level of trust and honour I want to bestow and have.
I hope we feel the p assion of desire and the comfort of peace in one anothers arms.
I desire to share my life with someone. I want to have a partner and work together to make our life and love grow.
I know there are some tought times ahead of us. I know there are times that each of us feels the other doesn’t understand..
I just pray that Jesus prepare my heart and life for you, and he prepare your for Us.
I know that when He puts us together we will surely overcome. 8 years ago


~*Serenity*~Letters

I have been doing this for years.. I have just filed them away.. Some I have read to others.. Some are just for my private eyes..
I stoped doing this a while ago.. I was lost in my own chaos of life. I couldnt see what I had to offer a future husband..
I became confident in my ablity to “Not Need”..
I have prayed and soul searched.. to see what I honestly want in life..
Must haves v Can not have..
I want to start the letters again.. So he knows some of the struggles I have gone through.. So he understands that before we “were” I was praying for him.. For strength during his life. To face his daily struggles. So that even before we “were” he was lifted up.. That his life ment that much.. So…
I may post one or two I have written before.
I will certainly write more… This is my way of manifesting the Positive. 8 years ago


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