the letting go

i had to tell a story about some long ago stuff that vexed me for years. and i just dont care anymore. we dont all start off from an equal place; my start point sucked, but its simply a non-issue now. i dont have to deal with it anymore, and so it just doesnt bother me. its over.

its good getting older. you just wake up one day and certain things just dont matter any more, especially people, things and experiences that have wronged you. you get what you get, adn when its done, its done.

i have not had a very productive spring. i have spent alot of time socializing – exploring a new relationship and saying good bye to several friends who are moving to far flung places.

this afternoon i felt just awful about not having made too much progress on my project. a sick, dark feeling. i just tried to move through it, and do little things that had to get done in the day, like, take a shower.

while in the shower, all my anxiety magically lifted, and everything was clear. there is no sense in worrying about decisions that i have already made and actions already taken that led me to this exact moment – that is counter productive, and nears self-abuse. all i can do is assess where i am at, both in the big picture and within the day, and take a course of action that is appropriate for those circumstances.

it felt great.

i have felt pretty good about letting a few things go this past month or so. all personal, one a friendship, one a crush. but im back to being jealous of someone. i dont want to see them move on, even though thats exactly what i am also doing. i want to have my cake and eat it too, and i have to let go of that. make a decision, and stick with it, regardless of the reactions that other people have to that decision.

ive been a little p.o.ed recently because some people in my life that i really care about have been acting like jerks. but i was making some tea and for some reason that little comfort made me realize that sometimes people are jerks to protect themselves. and thats their problem, not mine, and i shouldnt be offended or hurt by it. everyones gotta do what they gotta do. although i think thats the gutless way of dealing with things, still their choice.

perhaps thats cruel, but i recently made a decision in my life to simply stop being friends with someone. when we interacted, there was also drama created around the circumstances. im sure alot of that was me, but there was an element of this friend in it too. so, i just am not friends with this person anymore.

im ready to see this person socially, but im not letting em into my personal life. and im happy about keeping the distance.

letting that one go.

this is such a vague goal, but i am compelled to keep it for awhile. one thing that has been plaguing me for a while now and has been difficult, but im really starting to release it.

joy and jubilee.

and its not me. i pushed for info on it, but then i cried. just a little bit.

i guess even though i have been the one avoiding rekindling anything and the one who wanted out, its still extremely difficult to know that i wont always have that relationship as an option. sad, for me, and wondering again if i made the biggest mistake of my personal life.

this album has really come to mean something to me. what that is, im not sure. but it is the sound of happiness in my head. its my goal to think of this music more often.