take better care of me

that I always used to do, it was second nature. NO that is not true, it was first nature. Some where alone the line I stopped doing it. Something so small that brings me such joy and I stopped doing it.

Odd huh?

Well, yesterday I stopped along side the road a few times and picked me grasses. Just all sorts of vines and grasses to make me a pretty bouquet.

I know the picture sucks, but I was not in the mood to make it better… I’m all happy now my grasses look wonderful.

I have got to remember that these little things that bring me happiness are not stupid or silly, they are necessary to my peace.

And I have sun poison to prove it… It went from not to bad relatively quick. It’s to a point now that I can’t put sunscreen on it.

Open sores and sunscreen do NOT mix. So now I am wrapping my hands and arms when I drive. Sigh, imagine this…
I’m driving down the road and all you see are my hands and arms covered in tissue or paper towels, sometimes on good days when I can find them ACE bandages.

I am getting a grip on this before it takes over my entire body and I am one huge bruise walking around.

I think it lasted a whole of five minutes when the pain in my hands became to unbearable.

My body hurts in the most random places sometimes. Last night it was my elbows and hands. OH my gosh there are times that in order to sleep I have to have my arms straight and laying over soft pillows so that my elbows don’t hurt.

LOLOL I feel so broken. I cried last night because of the pain in my body. I just went to do a small amount of dishes and I could not stand straight up. It hurts so bad sometimes.

Sometimes, I would give anything just to be able to walk normal and be able to stand for long periods of time, write, hold things. It hurts to sit or lay. No matter how soft I am touched in those areas it causes pain.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I can’t afford that. But it gets tiresome after a while. No complaining or bitching.

I had my Pap a few months ago and my mammo a couple of months ago. Both are negative and cancer free {Thank you Lord}

I need now, to make the appointment for the other Dr. So I can start taking my thyroid meds again and other meds I have not been able to afford. Time to find a way to make this happen. My life is changing and I have to be the one to change it.

and a few more to go.

I’m pretty proud of me for this one, I am good for talking to others to take care of themselves but I am the last to listen to my own words. But I got this appt out of the way and am looking forward to the results.

This was a big big one.

I did it… I did it…. I flippin’ did it.

It’s slow moving sometimes and then life tosses you some “What If” and your off kilter for a bit.

I’m working on it, it’s much harder to do than I realized. I don’t take care of myself in lots of areas. I just forget to, or it’s not worth the effort. I just don’t have the gumption or time.

But I am getting a little better, I mean I have to don’t I. I’ve got these lives depending on me to be the best me, I possibly can.

Unlike most woman I don’t have a shoe thing. I don’t need tons of shoes to be happy. I live in flipflop country. I wear nothing but those 99.9% of the time.

Before I moved here I wore heels all the time when not at work. There was something I used to do in them when I was home on the weekends alone {the kids were at their daddy’s} I would clean house in those shoes.

I’ve not done that since I’ve moved here, so that has been three years. I decided the other day, to clean house in the heels and discovered just what a work out they give you.

With all the bending and stooping and walking they do a good job on your legs, thighs: So I’ve decided every day to do some dancing or cleaning house, mopping, what ever in my high heels. That will take care of the legs and ass.

Next I have to get higher heels.

Knowing what I felt and wondering how much am I wrong about in life. It got me to questioning lots of things I thought I was sure of. But to counter all of that, I went to my parents.

Adam {brown baby number 2} was there and not the least bit happy, every one was busy cooking and trying to calm him down {his parents are at the lake having some VERY important alone time} So I took Adam to say he settled in my arms easily is an understatement.

He was not happy and damn it all to hell no one was going to make him feel any better either. He was unhappy so he was making sure ever one around him was not feelin’ the love either.

he cried, I soothed…{my sister called me a sucker with evil laughter} he cried more, LOLOL I told him to get it all out, you go on ahead and tell me baby, tell me just how pissy the world is and get it all out.

Before I knew it I was sitting there all comfy with the little man all snuggled up to me all comfy {no more crying}. His eyes were getting heavy and mine have been up since two this morning so I was not in the best of moods. but there we were, just the two of us, among all those people.

We hit our calm stride, Adam and I must have sat there for near two hours just looking at everyone as they passed, content and happy to be in one another’s arms. He felt safe and slowly drifted to sleep.

I pulled him closer… nothing makes you feel worthwhile as a baby does. Thank God Adam was there for me to love on, he was just what I needed.

I tried to get a good picture of his little hands but the angle I was at and holding him, they turned out sucky, but I tried.

LOLOLOL It’s raining so pretty here. I love this, come home to a good down pour and every day it has managed to rain.

I was going to plant the last of my seeds this morning. Hahahahaha, the rain didn’t get me. I got so lost in cleaning out old and over grown lush things, that I forgot all about planting.

I found two more baby geckos in my spider plant. I love those little critters.

If you were to look out my bedroom window right now, this is what you would see.

I have to make a final decision about going home for a while.

I am bored as hell {not a good thing at this time}
I’m just feeling very trapped and I need a fuckin’ hug.

I was just invited to a party on Saturday, I’m not going. I am feeling a little melancholy. I think I am going to take my car for a long drive.

put on some good music to drown out these feelings and see what damage and flooding the storm has brought.

Yeah, a drive is the perfect answer just perfect let me go change into driving clothes.

all day long, that steady soft rain. Oh my gosh I was in heaven, I wonder if it’s to much to ask for it to rain harder tomorrow.

I would love to have two days worth of rain. Sigh… I miss that so much.

I don’t even think if it rains the full week I am back home, I would be bothered. I’d just trapes around in the mud puddles.