believe that I already have all I need

I don’t want to forget this article. _{Thank you Lazlo :)}

“A job wasn’t gonna save me. It would just suck all the time and energy I needed to realize my dreams, while keeping me alive enough to resent it.”

I love teaching. I love the kids. I love how much I have grown in this time, too. But I do not love that my life is utter koyaanisqatsi. I do not love that it sucks the time and energy out of me and leaving me barely alive. This is not my only dream….

I know that when I choose to leap, the net has always materialized _{or I built it}. And if next time it doesn’t, I will dust myself off, be resilient, bounce back. I just need to choose where to leap, and when.

“The only way you can tell the difference between disaster and opportunity is to decide to make an opportunity out of every event.”

Teaching has not been a disaster. This move has been a blessing indeed. But perhaps the purpose has been served. Perhaps the time draws near to leap. What opportunity shall I make? What net shall I start knitting?

moving would be a lot less scary, eh?

i have all that i need.
the universe will care for me.

_{repeat, repeat, repeat, until i believe it…}

this evening a vietnam veteran, a man who is very dear to my heart, gave me a necklace. the front side has a picture of a goddess of strength.

the back side says “when you don’t think you have the strength to deal with all that is facing you… wear this talisman as a reminder that, deep within, you have all the resources you need to move forward.”

i can’t begin to explain what his sentiment means to me….

I am often convincing myself I need things to be happy. Today I am aware that I have what I need, that all the tools I need to get there are inside me. Today I have to write that down, to remember that in the situations that make me want things that I do not need to survive. Specifically, a romantic relationship.

I want to be in love.

But, I love, and am already loved, by my friends, my family, the universe. When I need someone to talk to, or do things with, I rarely come up empty for companionship. And I am learning to love my own company more. I do not need to pin the source of all that love onto one person. It would be nice, to share deeply with one person. It sounds really great. It may happen eventually. But that should be a perk on top of my already satisfied existence. If it is anything but that, when it becomes something of a demand, a need instead of a want, it becomes a strain on the relationship. I think that is why mine fall apart, because somewhere in the survival chunk of my brain, I’m convinced I need them.

This entry could post under fighting for social justice, or things that make me happy…but I believe it fits here best.

I’ve been volunteering with Vietnam Veterans Against the War, organizing a 40th anniversary celebration. At first, in all honesty, I felt like I should be spending the time working on more action-oriented items for them, current policies or some such. Like helping targeted minority kids opt out of military recruitment.

But I offered to help out with something and wound up with a heap of responsibility. Easy enough stuff, mostly keeping track of registrations and room reservations in a spreadsheet, finding musicians to play during the social event, and fielding questions from registrants.

I had no way to know, but because of this, the universe opened up to me. My heart is touched and lit on fire. Literally, I just want to hold out my arms and embrace it, and hug the universe back.

Turns out the 40th may be the last time these guys get together, because by the 50th anniversary they’ll be in their seventies. They are calling and making connections with friends they haven’t seen in 35 years. Things I’ll never witness the effect of. Plus, the event has panels of speakers that I know will educate, inspire, and galvanize participants to action.

And for me personally, I’ve become involved with a group of beautiful, kind-hearted human beings who not only want to make the world a better place, but actively struggle for it.

What nicer influence in my life could I ask for? And to know that it is giving that allows me to receive. I have all that I need.

I’d written to myself on a scrap of paper on my desk:

If you believed that you deserved everything you want, you’d have it.

I am not sure where I heard it so it may have been from here somewhere, but it sounds like something I needed to hear today. Thank you, little bit of universe :)