Stop thinking of killing myself.

Hi, to many things to do. To many stories to write, to many people to meet, so, how could I even think about doing this.

I just need someone to talk to but it’s hard when you lost your parents, your bestfriend, and the one person that understood you at all, the person i loved more then anything in the world in a year. I just wish someone was there for me to talk to but none of my friends will listen and i used to talk to my mom and she has been no help what so ever to talk to. I have tryed my whole life to make other people happy and not myself. But the thing is that if i try to make myself happy i hurt someone or i get yelled at by someone. I’m 20 years old and i feel like my life is getting control from so many people and i don’t have any control at all. Why doesn’t no one listen and let me do things myself. Anyone here that i can talk to. Thats all i need is someone to talk to.

Hi, had a molment where you feel yourself slip away. Where you feel like you are dying but you have no reason to die. Sometimes I will be on my bed, or on the floor just looking up at the roof and start to feel sleepy, then I will close my eyes and feel like I am moving. I know my body is not moving but I feel like I am moving. I don’t know if I am thinking about dying or if I am just falling into a very deep sleep. Sometimes it is hard to come out of it, sometimes I don’t want to come out of it. I feel like crap when I do. I feel like everything is fake when I do. I feel like just everything is wrong, like I should be dead. I feel like I should be dead, so, what does that make me? I mean, just the fact that I am typing this right now, means that part of me has given up, that part of me wants to be dead, and part of me does not. I don’t know, I just feel like crap right now. Why can’t I just live life? Why, do I have to question my own existance? Why can’t it feel real? Why, am I not dead?

Hi, out on the back deck. I looked down at the ground thinking, why not. The only reason I could come up with is I was not high enough off the ground. I only live on the second story, I would more than likly not die, and even if I did, it would still be no good because that is not far enough of a fall for me. If I am going to jump, it is going to be from a very tall building, so I can feel the wind fly past my face.

Hi, there was an creepy calmness in the air today. I could not put my finger on what it was about today, but something strange was going on. “Something is roten in the state of Denmark”. This is making me worry, something bad might happen. I don’t know if I will be strong enough this time. But I plan to meet what ever is coming head on instead of run this time. It will have to kill me, before I kill myself, what ever it is.

Hi, strange. I normaly have one or two, right now I have had no thoughts of killing myself. I am not sure why. I guess nothing set me off today. It is just strange, not even just a simple thought like “I wonder how far I need to fall to break my neck.” or anything like that. I am not sure this will last though, I think I was just distracted today.

Hi, I was on my way back home after picking up some food when I started listening to the radio. A song came on, “How you remind me.” Normaly I can brush the feeling off when it is a song I like. But something set me off. I started driving faster. My heart was pounding. So I went faster, and faster. Because a voice in the back of my head kept saying that you are not going fast enough to die yet, keep going. So I punched it. I was geting short on breath. I started speeding into turns faster and faster. Then I saw it. There is this concreate wall that is next to the street, and there is a turn that if you take to shaprly you could wind up in that wall. I saw my opertunity. I sped up. Everyone would think it was just a trajic acident of a foolish teenager driving way to fast. I could still receve a proper funeral. And no one would know except I and God. But, I slowed down. Once again I was weak. I was not ready to leave this world again. And now I dont know what to do. Should I keep driving by that wall thinking what if, or do I drive past with out any thought at all. I dont know.

Hi, I am tired of waking up and wishing I had not. I am tired of crossing bridges and thinking about jumping off them. I am tired of holding a knife to myself. So, now, I think I will try to do something about this. Because I am tired.