Write a note to my younger self about something I know now that I didn't know then

You’ve tried to kill yourself twice now.

You’ve been told “Maybe it’s your latent insanity finally coming to the surface.” in that science fictional place you were, the mental hospital.

What you’ve decided to do so that you never go back there is:

Think in words, not pictures.
Don’t dream.
Don’t gesture or emote as much.
Don’t go to the movies or watch TV as you can’t control your reactions to them.
Don’t get really involved in anything you do, people will notice and you can be manipulated (again).

In short, hide every feeling you can and avoid the others if possible.

That guy you fell for up in the woods? The techniques he taught you work and isn’t that wonderful? But you cannot use them for all your life, they’re manipulative and you’ll find that out sooner than later.

But those techniques will give you the first real control of your emotional life. You’ll succeed in doing the items on your list, more or less.

But listen to me now: You are NOT crazy. YOu will NOT be committed again if you show your emotions or allow yourself to be seen. You are NOT “over” emotional or “over” sensitive, you’re as emotional as you are and as sensitive, and that’s ok.

You don’t have to remake yourself into someone else to be ok. You DO have to learn some self-control and your list is really good for that, but more self-care/love would do you more good in the long run, although you probably can’t see that.

I tell you again: you are NOT crazy, you did NOT kill your mother, and you do NOT have to be perfect to be merely adequate. You just have to be yourself, and, believe it or not, that will be enough!

Many hugs—

Judith at 54

I was just reading past entries here and I had to laugh when I read the entry I wrote in July, 2007, shortly before the “Saga of Sam and His Education and Atypical Neurology” began.

Oh, my Lord.

The sweetness in my letter to me then? Ohhhh, tears.

Can anyone say tears?

Can anyone give me a kleenex?

:-)

And it feels so good.

I am almost speechless, remembering that ever present ache, I can see it, dripping icey sweat from your core – sitting on the bleachers at Bakersfield College, Kern Shakespeare Festival rehearsal.

You probably would have a difficult time believing all this would work out.

The dismay that coats your forehead will give way to relief. The fresh scab, the one you consistently tear open? It will become a silvery half moon, one which reflects wonder rather than pain.

I wish I could stretch back to you from here, reassuring you, inviting you into boldness, knowing someday you will sit in a park, watching Sam play and engage, stretch and grow.

You, my love, will become an expert, in compassion as well as in science, that others will turn towards.

Your face will turn towards the sun, accepting the heat on one side and the slight chill on the other.

Dear Self,

No, your life won’t turn out the way you think it “should.”

Yes, it WILL turn out to be a life that makes you happy!

So hang in there, OK? smile

...with love from your future Self.

You are awesome. I know we’ve had our differences in the past. I thought you were ugly and weak. But you’re not. I have so much respect for what you did. I know I owe a lot to you. To your perseverance and your determination.

High school is no fun for you. You have to work very hard. But that’s not because you’re stupid. I know that’s what you think, sometimes, but it’s not. The reason it’s hard is because you always pick the high road. The toughest path. You choose the toughest courses and you follow more classes than are needed to pass. You do this because you’re focused on your future. On me. You gave up a lot to become me. And I’m so sorry it took me so long to give you credit for that.

The only thing that’s wrong with you is that you think there is something wrong with you. There’s not. Normality is not what you see on MTV. It’s not what you read in the magazines. The size of your waist does not determine whether people can love you or not. When people look at you, they don’t just see you as ‘that fat kid’. You are not defined by your weight. Don’t listen to people who try to get you down. You are beautiful. Both inside and out.

You are not alone. You feel lonely a lot. Because there’s so much you don’t understand yet. And you think by now you should have all the answers, because it seems like everybody else does. You feel inadequate. You’re not. I’m over 10 years older than you are and even now there’s so much I don’t understand. You don’t have to do it all now. You have time. Don’t push yourself so hard. Don’t hate yourself so much.

I love you,

Your future self

You probably didn’t know that he would hurt you that bad. It will take quite some time for you to feel better again. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from harm but, be sure, it will pass in time and you’ll want to feel that way for someone else. Believe me, all your anger will go away: you’ll forgive him and want him to be happy. I wished you didn’t had to shed all those tears while nobody was there to confort you. You are a strong girl. You’ll do fine.

Seems so

Oddly, I had to tell my past self that I was right, even though I felt my logic at that time was ridiculous because maybe it wasn’t socially acceptable.

And it felt pretty good (:

You’re 18, and you feel like you have so many years ahead of you. You’ll be surprised how quickly it all passes. Stop waiting for your life to start. Make the most of today, because you are building your tomorrow.

Do you know how many of the people you’ll make friends with over the next five years, will still be your friends when you’re 40? The answer is: 1. The others all go their separate ways. So enjoy their company, but don’t let them unduly influence your decisions. You’ll have to keep living with your decisions, long after those people have disappeared from your life.

Don’t be swayed by words and appearances. View others with a compassionate eye, and see their true worth. Trust your instincts. Allow yourself to be drawn to a heart of gold. In the end, nothing else matters.

Work a little harder at school. A few more nights in the library and a few less nights in the pub, and you’ll get farther, faster.

Don’t worry so much about the future. Amazingly, it will all work itself out. Truly. It doesn’t look like it now, but you’ll figure it out as you go along. Just take life one beautiful day at a time, and make your best effort each day. Don’t worry about taking the wrong path: the way is broad, and many paths intersect at multiple points along the way. Nothing that you learn is a waste of time. It will all come in useful somehow, somewhere, sometime.

Dear self, you are a good person. Love yourself a little more. Be nicer to yourself. Respect yourself. Don’t look to others for your self-worth. What your mother said is true: anyone who can’t see how wonderful you are, doesn’t deserve to have you as a friend. Be yourself, and friends will flock to you. Don’t try so hard.

Mostly, I want to tell you that your greatest regrets will be the opportunities you didn’t take advantage of when they were before you. Believe in yourself, trust your own heart, and always behave with integrity; then, you will have nothing to regret.

Dear fifteen year old Mindy,

I just seen you about two years ago, but a lot is going to change for you! Just be yourself, you’ll learn that eventually. You will be so much happier when you be yourself, you’ll even make more friends. If you don’t comprimise or hide your personality, you would find out how creative you are. Instead of taking six math classes in high school, you could have taken more art and creative writing classes. Too late to change that now.
You’ve been writing a lot lately. Even about emotions you don’t know anything about. For such a hermit, you’re pretty empathetic.
Why do you let your parents divorce bother you? It’s a good and bad thing all at once, but things hardly change at home! Dont change schools either, jeez that sucked.
I know you hate sitting at home every weekend, having a car really is fun. You hate it now, but in two years, you remember how to be an only child again. You knew you and your sister would part ways eventually. Being alone at home again means you can focus on self improvement.
A word of advice: Who cares if people think you’re lame for how you dress, act, or what you are mostly insecure about, how you love God. You say He is number one in your life, so you shouldn’t ever be ashamed. He’s going to be a big part of your life very soon.
Good luck, things are always improving for you.

Love,
your future almost seventeen year old self