Write a note to my younger self about something I know now that I didn't know then

Yet it’s still such a huge part of who we are, who we’ve become. This exercise could go a long way toward helping me listen to the child’s voice inside and soothing the old hurts that still linger.

I’ve got a long drive ahead of me, starting Tuesday, so I may spend part of it planning this letter. What an intriguing goal!

Before you get into a relationship, try not to rely on the other person so much. Trust me, it’s really going to mess you up, and you’ll end up with all kinds of trust and love problems associated with girls afterwards. Just don’t get too close; keep your distance, otherwise you’ll get too close, and you’ll feel like the world is ending when you do eventually break up. (Yes, don’t be an idiot, things never last forever.)

Girls don’t like nice guys. All girls like the bad men, the ones who do drugs, vandalise, and start fights. There are no exceptions; if you want to get a girlfriend, you have to be a horrible person. Stop pretending you’re a nice guy, and act how you feel. I know you’ll think this is a lie – but in a few years, you’ll be able to look back and see exactly what I mean. Your girlfriend used to always moan at you for not sticking up for her, so just.. give up. Stop trying to be nice, and become a jerk.

Don’t whine about not wanting to go to a mental hospital, and just go there. You’ll meet a really good friend there, and she’ll make it all worthwhile. Just try not to whine to her too much.

your “best friend” is a bully and abusive. Ditch him now, while you have the chance. He’s bad news, and will get you into all sorts of trouble. Don’t introduce him to any of your friends, because it’ll just make things awkward in the future.

Stay in school. No matter what. Keep going to school, and try not to do anything ridiculous in class. I know it’s hard, but you have to try. You don’t want to end up in the situation I am in now.

I shouldn’t write this, as it would probably mess things up, but ask her out. Try it. If she says no, then it’s all good and things can go back to how they were before. Just at least try, don’t leave it too late, and end up regretting it for the rest of your life.

Be prepared for a long road to recovery, it’s been almost 4 years, and I’ve been going through spells of getting worse, and then better, and then much worse again. Try not to overthink things, and accept that some things should and will just stay as they are.

Well, I guess that’s it; and no matter what you do, don’t overdose. It just attracts a lot of negative attention. Don’t drink, or smoke, or do drugs either. Avoid all of them. Be normal.

Be Happy.

Ok, here goes. I call her Little One.

Dear Little One,

You never knew that it was not your fault – they did not like you because they had problems – not you!!! How I wish you could have known this. Perhaps you would not have been so afraid all the time. Perhaps you could have felt freer just to be you. You always tried to make everyone happy, and you know that was not your job. Your job was just to be little, to be full of joy. I wish you had known this, perhaps you would have grown up with more confidence, perhaps you would have believed that you could…. could do just about anything that you set your mind to.

I’m not going to type out the note here for everyone to see….I’m going to write it out in my journal, as one of my “unsent letters”.

You’ve tried to kill yourself twice now.

You’ve been told “Maybe it’s your latent insanity finally coming to the surface.” in that science fictional place you were, the mental hospital.

What you’ve decided to do so that you never go back there is:

Think in words, not pictures.
Don’t dream.
Don’t gesture or emote as much.
Don’t go to the movies or watch TV as you can’t control your reactions to them.
Don’t get really involved in anything you do, people will notice and you can be manipulated (again).

In short, hide every feeling you can and avoid the others if possible.

That guy you fell for up in the woods? The techniques he taught you work and isn’t that wonderful? But you cannot use them for all your life, they’re manipulative and you’ll find that out sooner than later.

But those techniques will give you the first real control of your emotional life. You’ll succeed in doing the items on your list, more or less.

But listen to me now: You are NOT crazy. YOu will NOT be committed again if you show your emotions or allow yourself to be seen. You are NOT “over” emotional or “over” sensitive, you’re as emotional as you are and as sensitive, and that’s ok.

You don’t have to remake yourself into someone else to be ok. You DO have to learn some self-control and your list is really good for that, but more self-care/love would do you more good in the long run, although you probably can’t see that.

I tell you again: you are NOT crazy, you did NOT kill your mother, and you do NOT have to be perfect to be merely adequate. You just have to be yourself, and, believe it or not, that will be enough!

Many hugs—

Judith at 54

I was just reading past entries here and I had to laugh when I read the entry I wrote in July, 2007, shortly before the “Saga of Sam and His Education and Atypical Neurology” began.

Oh, my Lord.

The sweetness in my letter to me then? Ohhhh, tears.

Can anyone say tears?

Can anyone give me a kleenex?

:-)

And it feels so good.

I am almost speechless, remembering that ever present ache, I can see it, dripping icey sweat from your core – sitting on the bleachers at Bakersfield College, Kern Shakespeare Festival rehearsal.

You probably would have a difficult time believing all this would work out.

The dismay that coats your forehead will give way to relief. The fresh scab, the one you consistently tear open? It will become a silvery half moon, one which reflects wonder rather than pain.

I wish I could stretch back to you from here, reassuring you, inviting you into boldness, knowing someday you will sit in a park, watching Sam play and engage, stretch and grow.

You, my love, will become an expert, in compassion as well as in science, that others will turn towards.

Your face will turn towards the sun, accepting the heat on one side and the slight chill on the other.

Dear Self,

No, your life won’t turn out the way you think it “should.”

Yes, it WILL turn out to be a life that makes you happy!

So hang in there, OK? smile

...with love from your future Self.

You are awesome. I know we’ve had our differences in the past. I thought you were ugly and weak. But you’re not. I have so much respect for what you did. I know I owe a lot to you. To your perseverance and your determination.

High school is no fun for you. You have to work very hard. But that’s not because you’re stupid. I know that’s what you think, sometimes, but it’s not. The reason it’s hard is because you always pick the high road. The toughest path. You choose the toughest courses and you follow more classes than are needed to pass. You do this because you’re focused on your future. On me. You gave up a lot to become me. And I’m so sorry it took me so long to give you credit for that.

The only thing that’s wrong with you is that you think there is something wrong with you. There’s not. Normality is not what you see on MTV. It’s not what you read in the magazines. The size of your waist does not determine whether people can love you or not. When people look at you, they don’t just see you as ‘that fat kid’. You are not defined by your weight. Don’t listen to people who try to get you down. You are beautiful. Both inside and out.

You are not alone. You feel lonely a lot. Because there’s so much you don’t understand yet. And you think by now you should have all the answers, because it seems like everybody else does. You feel inadequate. You’re not. I’m over 10 years older than you are and even now there’s so much I don’t understand. You don’t have to do it all now. You have time. Don’t push yourself so hard. Don’t hate yourself so much.

I love you,

Your future self

You probably didn’t know that he would hurt you that bad. It will take quite some time for you to feel better again. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from harm but, be sure, it will pass in time and you’ll want to feel that way for someone else. Believe me, all your anger will go away: you’ll forgive him and want him to be happy. I wished you didn’t had to shed all those tears while nobody was there to confort you. You are a strong girl. You’ll do fine.