overcome my social anxiety

i create these boundaries and rules in my head, that get in the way of socializing like others would. I avoid going out, seeing friends and making phone calls. even though i would love to just do it….i wont let me.I suppose i feel safer that way.

This is no way to live. It’s crippling me. I’m so tired of being afraid all the time.

I’m in a program at school where we have to do a lot of our own research to put together business plans. I had a list of people I had identified as people I wanted to interview and it had just sat there for weeks. Because the semester is ending soon I had to stop procrastinating and just do it.

I wrote out a script for myself and rehearsed several times.
I poured myself a glass of water.
I applied extra deodorant.
I went for a walk around the block to calm my nerves.
Then I made the calls.

It wasn’t that bad.

I know I boasted a lot about trying to get a job and stuff.
But in the end my joblessness in recent years may be attributed to my social anxiety.
I care too much about what people think about me.
So much so that I became afraid to go out there and do something useful with others.
Somehow I think everyone out there is intimidating.
I want to overcome this.
First I want to get a job so that I have to interact with new people out there.
We’ll see then how am I going to deal with this.

So I like to do a lot of emotional work in the mornings, sometimes listening to music and sometimes in silence because my thoughts refuse to surface. Sometimes they don’t surface anyways, and it’s the most annoying sort of her-name-is-on-the-tip-of-my-tongue feeling and I can’t get it out. But yesterday I realized that my two goals are completely tied to one another. If I let go of the guilt, I will have overcome my social anxiety. The guilt is what makes me feel like a bad person, someone who should hide, someone who is ashamed, sorry, embarrassed, not worthy of having friends. No one out there who I want to be friends with would ever think that of me, so I need to stop thinking it of myself. No one is perfect. The past is passed. My future is bright.

I avoid going to social engagements with old friends because I worry about looking bad, feeling awkward, being judged, etc. I hold on to mounds and mounds of guilt from past failed relationships. I’m embarrassed by my shortcomings in this area, and they affect other areas of my life in major ways. I do it to myself and yet I can’t bring myself to cross certain barriers. I’d much rather send emails than talk on the phone. I have very few people I consider friends, and I don’t even know if they consider me a friend back.

I always seem to tense up with this! I cant be myself, it feels like im trapped inside my own body or thoughts or whatever it is and i just cant relax. Does that make sence? I dunno. what i really need to do is just relax around people, instead of worrying about what they think of me. But doing this is a lot harder than saying it… :S

By working out and taking care of my health.

speaking to the other people. suddenly I realized, that I can ask and they will answer me (probably). I think that a lot of people have sometimes a feeling, that they don’t know what to say. And what happens if two of a kind are standing and trying to discuss together? Previously I used to think that I’m the one who should talk and if the conversation doesn’t work, than it’s obviously my fault. But usually there are at least two people having a chat…

It was a strange overnight thing. All the things I kept getting told suddenly clicked at once, but it wasn’t a conscious thing. I just realized I was fine all of a sudden.