develop a sustainable relationship

that when someone tells me something I already know:

• they’re just trying to be helpful
• they have no way of knowing that I know
• it’s probably not as obvious to them as it is to me
• it really is no judgment on my intelligence

and especially…

• there is no need to get shirty with them about it; “thanks, yeah, I know” is probably fine

Mr L is Catholic, and I’m Jewish, so we share a cultural susceptibility to guilt. In my family, I am usually the guilt-ee – i.e., my mother makes me feel guilty. But I have found myself projecting my own bad feelings onto Mr L, now that I’ve realized that he can, in fact, take on guilt himself.

I really, really don’t want to turn into my mother and be the guiltor in this relationship. I have to be very careful not to take advantage. It’s not a healthy pattern at all, for either or both of us.

This morning, for example, he didn’t call first thing, nor had he called even an hour later, though he said he would call this morning (as he has each morning for the past couple weeks). Not sure what was going on, I called him, and he was just wrapped up in some listening for a review he was writing. Didn’t even acknowledge that he hadn’t called. I was annoyed because I had been waiting to shower, eat breakfast, etc., till I heard from him – basically building my morning around his call, which I’ve gotten in the habit of. But he wouldn’t know that, would he? I thought about calling him on it, then I realized, no, I can just go about my morning, and if he calls, fine, and if not, that’s fine, too. It also isn’t a test of his love…. he was just going about his life. As I should. And, in return, I shouldn’t play any games – i.e., I’ll call him if I want to and have time tonight, and if not, he’ll live.

that neither of us is scared. Of course he never has exhibited typical scared behavior when I thought he might, all those months when I was in his face trying to get his attention, and now, well… So there are all these declarations – soulmate here, L-word there – which should make me nervous, and yet… I believe him. First of all he knows it’s early and he might be getting ahead of himself. Second of all, I can tell that he gets me, that he sees just who I am, that there’s not some fantasy-Cloudberry of his creation standing between him and me, so it makes sense, and I can feel, suddenly, sure enough of myself and my worthiness to believe that what he is telling me is just the truth.

We deserve this.

but starting in a much better place: mutually delighted and entzückt!

I’m just so pleased that the last 3 1/2 months of going after Mr L have not been a mere fantasy and distraction, and have resulted in something really supexiting and sweet. I am slightly concerned that he’s the one who’s off his gourd at the moment; his declarations are really impressive. However: he’s basically a trusting, open soul with a big heart and no baggage who’s not afraid to take a chance, and – more importantly – I sense that he really gets me like no one else has in a long time. In other words, even though we still have plenty of getting to know each other to do, I get the sense that he’s actually seeing who I am. So, who knows, but so far, all signs are to the very, very good, and I am inspired to bravery myself.

not without some close calls tho. such as new years 09.

but here we are, the ex-ex and i still together. who woulda thunk?

for now.

we’ll see how it goes this time.

i am feeling completely - calm this time. not excited, sadly. not scared. not hyper anxious about not fucking up. just calm.

(ok so it probably won’t last, but it’s a good way to feel as long as it lasts…)

of positives in no particular order:

things we both like:

stopping for coffee on the drive through to my office (when he’s here the x-x drives me to work so he has use of the car for the day)

swimming first thing in the morning even if it’s freezing, usually with Raphael.

driving around areas we like looking at houses and deciding which ones we like (we sometimes even like the same ones!)

Blood Diamond and Spiderman (there are very few movies we like, these are two i can think of and we’re both wanting to see Iron Man when he gets back next month so that could be a third)

eating out esp breakfast

beer (specifically we both like Stella draft, and Heineken)

red wine, occasionally

spending lots of time in bookshops (and if he buys himself a book he’ll usually buy me and Raph one too)

ditto CD shops

music we both like includes Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and we’ll both listen to MOST of the music the other person likes and even enjoy it even if we wouldn’t buy it ourselves.

hiking in the mountains

long drives with music on

ooh! sex. with each other.

skinny dipping

the beach – walking, or swimming (he’s not keen on lying on the beach for hours like i am but…)

reading for hours

staying in bed with coffee and books on cold days

browsing shops (surf clothing shops, homeware stores)

buying groceries together is usually fun. he likes to pin me against the shelves with the trolly

ok that’s it for now. maybe other things will come to mind another day

to the point where we had the should-we-keep-trying-or-give-up conversation on Tuesday night.

i’ve been feeling lonely and neglected. and frustrated. the sex, as always, has been good – even better than good – but everything else has felt wrong, stilted, awkward.

it says something that the talk wasn’t a fight, but quiet and sad. he didn’t even argue when i said perhaps we just can’t make it work.

my reasons being the same as before – we have nothing in common apart from Raph. we live lives where we have different friends, different interests, different beliefs, different lifestyles.

i feel like we are two marbles in a small box. never connecting.

oddly, since the talk he has been truly lovely and loving. but is it enough? i know we love each other,
but again, when is love not enough to make a life together?

it was free and open and loving and nice.

there is always this feeing that something is missing, it may be missing inside me tho. hard to tell. as opposed to with us.

i am missing him a bit but it’s good missing, without regrets this time.