practise Buddhism

After further exploration, I have decided that Buddhism as an entire system is not for me, but I have found many aspects valuable to my personal development. In particular, I agree with the fundamental principle of cause and effect, or karma, and its impersonal nature.

I also value the eightfold path and the practice of meditation to enhance clarity of mind. I accept the possibility of rebirth, but primarily feel that I don’t know what happens after death and choose to remain agnostic on the subject.

I think I have been positively influenced by my studies in Buddhism and have incorporated some of the key ideas into my own personal philosophy. I aim to continue my practice in my own way, rather than as part of a rigid structure.

I am very glad that I chose to explore Buddhism as I feel that it has enriched my understanding even if it wasn’t an end goal for me. My journey has improved through this experience and that’s all that matters to me :)

For want of a better term, I have decided to be non-denominational with regard to the school of Buddhism to practise. The main issue with practising Buddhism in the West is that the various schools available don’t fit the culture here. As Buddhism has adapted to the environment it finds itself in, I feel that it is more realistic to practise Buddhism in a way that fits the Western climate than take on the cultural baggage of a school wholly unrelated to life on this side of the world.

I will therefore take the fundamental aspects from whatever schools I come into contact with, but I don’t intend to “join” any one school over another. Another main issue is that there are fewer resources here and it’s better, in my opinion, to go to a better quality class/retreat/talk etc. from a school I don’t follow than poor quality ones from the school I prefer.

Currently, I’m going to the New Kadampa meditation classes, but it is likely that I will be going to the Throssel Hole Zen monastery for visits and retreats.

I’m not sure what this means for taking the Three Refuges. I think you’re supposed to do this under a specific school, but that might be a problem. I guess the main thing is to follow the spirit of it, and not to get hung up on the rites and rituals, which are of comparatively little importance.

I am unsure as to which school of Buddhism suits me, but after reading up on some of them and after reading “The Way of Zen” by Alan Watts, I have narrowed it down to Theravada and Zen. I like Theravada because of its primary focus on the Buddha rather than the countless deities there seems to be with Mahayana and Tibetan Buddhism. I like Zen’s focus on meditation and appreciation of simplicity. I am not certain how I feel about the Bodhisattva vow though – it’s obviously a good thing, but I don’t really know how it fits in, partly because it just seems impossible.

The only other issue is that there are few Buddhist resources in a non-Buddhist country and it’s hard to get unbiased advice on Buddhism that isn’t from a book.

I think it’s probably more important to practise what I can and worry about the finer details later. I’m not going to make a decision on something I have little knowledge about. The Buddha never advocated just following something you haven’t tested for yourself, so perhaps I just need to let go of the feeling of having to belong to a school or that I must have a sangha in order to practise properly. After all, the Buddha didn’t have a sangha when he started out!

One of the main hindrances to pursuing a religion for me is dogma. I go to meditation classes at a New Kadampa Buddhist centre near me and I enjoy it, but I stopped going for a while as I was put off by the fact that I found one of the books that they recommend by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, in my opinion, put far too much emphasis on visualisations and such. I asked the monk about this and he advocated this as well. I have no problem with him, the class, Buddhism or even the author – I just felt let down because I thought Buddhism was so much more practical than that. I don’t see the need for the esoteric and dogmatic as it serves no purpose other than trapping people in meaningless rituals.

Pretty they might be, but it doesn’t make you a better person. I was expecting to read the new book by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, which is a fair size, and gain lots of new insights – instead I got endless descriptions of esoteric experiences.

I feel in catch-22. I feel that there’s more than just us rotting into the ground at the end of our days, but I’m not interested in fairytales to make me feel better – I just want a spiritual practice that will make me understand life better, be a better human being and feel genuine happiness in the process from doing the right things.

I’m too scientific and rational to believe any old story, yet too much of a coward to face the most probable truth – that we do simply rot into the ground and cease to exist…

I have been reading a variety of religious and spiritual texts recently and find that I am struggling to incorporate them into my life, not because of anything wrong with any of what I’m reading, but the common factor is me.

The reason I struggle to adopt a practice is entirely to do with the way I am and not the various paths open to me. I am full of doubt and feel unmotivated because of this. I feel less than convicted. No wonder I don’t put effort into my spiritual development. I am reading a lot and this is developing my knowledge but not my wisdom.

I feel disheartened and confused. I would like to read more and I think that of the paths I have read about Buddhism is the most pragmatic, least life-denying and very positive – I do still wish to incorporate Buddhist practices into my life, but if I am ever going to sort myself out, the main problem I have is doubt, which according to Buddhism, is one of the Three Poisons.

I need to work on this a lot harder.

I have now been to two meditation sessions and at each of them the Buddhist monk who does the class talks a little about different ways in which we can help our meditation practice from a Buddhist perspective.

In the first week, we discussed how our behaviour affects our everyday thoughts and worries. If we behave in a more moral way, we worry less about our actions as we have more integrity. This makes meditation easier. In the second week, we touched on the idea of karma – in particular, merit – and cultivating a giving attitude versus that of miserliness. This was referring to giving in a more general way, as in time, skills, knowledge etc. rather than just buying or offering people things.

These discussions have been of real interest to me and are encouraging me to take it all in more slowly rather than rushing through a lot of material and not really understanding it.

I find that karma and rebirth are perhaps the most challenging and elusive concepts in Buddhism for me at the moment, but I’m happy to remain open-minded on these and concentrate on the basics until I’m ready to explore these more fully.

I didn’t manage to get to meditation last week due to working late, but tonight I will be going for the first time. When I was out cycling at the weekend, I dropped by at the centre and picked up a leaflet. I was told that this centre is Tibetan Buddhist, so is in fact the same as the previous one I went to in Scotland.

I feel that in the last month, I have changed quite significantly – I feel calmer, less irritable, more able to let go of my feelings of guilt and responsibility to deal with my family’s conflicting interests and my expectations that it should be ideal and can in some way be fixed if I just try hard enough. I still struggle with it, but I’m definitely more open to trying than I was before. I guess what I’m feeling is a little less of that feeling of “stuckness”.

I felt before that I was desperate to become a Buddhist to help me sort out my life, which at that time felt like a whirlpool of very confused thoughts. I recognised that this wasn’t a healthy attitude to religion – I was looking for a quick fix. I have great respect for Buddhism, so I decided that I wouldn’t practise it until I was ready.

I have now made changes in my life by attempting to think differently about my situation and letting go of that feeling that I should be able to fix everything. I may not be formally Buddhist, but perhaps what I have been doing is Buddhist in spirit, by employing Right Thought, Right Effort and letting go.

Either way, I’m not rushing ahead with this – I feel less needy of a religion, but I don’t think people adopt a religion simply because they need one – they may simply find it gives structure to their self-improvement.

I will pursue this at my own pace, but I will only officially recognise this when I feel that I have enough dedication to it, and I’ll feel that only when I believe I am doing it for the right reasons rather than just being dependent on something else to do it all for me.

I might be stretching the theme of these entries a little bit, but never mind :p As part of the routine I’ve set up, I will be going to a meditation class once a week at a Buddhist centre near me. I’ve never been before so I have no idea what it will be like, but I’m looking forward to getting back into meditation as it’s been many months since I’ve done any. I believe the Buddhist centre is a Mahayana one so that will be quite different anyway as the centre I went to when I lived in Scotland was a Tibetan Buddhist one. Seeing as I’m not a Buddhist, it doesn’t matter to me which school of Buddhism the centre belongs to – meditation is meditation regardless, really. Unless you do koans in Zen Buddhism… scary!!

The main practice I would like to take from Buddhism currently is meditation. I often feel that my thoughts are whizzing around so fast, I barely know what I’m thinking at all. I struggle to concentrate or else I get overly involved and obsessed with things. I am forgetful and then become frustrated when I know something’s true but can’t remember why or what was said about it. I never used to be like this, but more and more it’s like a whirlpool.

So, I want to start with meditation to try and work on myself and worry about beliefs and Buddhist practice later. How can I help others in any meaningful way if I cannot even help myself? I will be in a much better position to be there for the people closest to me, when I am no longer a complete mess myself.

I haven’t done much with regard to this goal because I’m worried that I’m looking for a quick fix and latching on to anything which shows promise of helping me sort out my problems. If I actually think about my problems and work on myself, rather than relying heavily on something else to do it for me, it might be better for me. I do respect Buddhism, but I don’t want it to be a fad to make me feel like I’m improving in some way, when all I’m doing is grasping. If I really and truly want to become Buddhist one day, I will do so when the time is right, but that isn’t now. However, I’m not removing this goal because “practising Buddhism” isn’t the same as being a Buddhist or converting to Buddhism – there are some useful guidelines that I’ve learnt from my research and it would be a good idea to use them.